I am a BS, and so I know that there is something almost addictive to the pain created by betrayal. The trauma is deep, and there is a way that we can keep picking at it and keep it alive.
I think this is part of what is happening to your spouse. The pain of betrayal has become part of his sense of who he is.
That's not healthy for either of you. The fact that he is still this angry and hurt, 10 years later, means that something that needed to heal is still broken in him.
The best advice I got from this site was to "recover first." I think it is too easy for a BS to agree to reconciliation when they have not even processed the trauma and pain. However, by doing that, creating that space for myself, I had to really ask... do I want to reconcile? Why do I want that? What would it mean to me to learn to live with this?
While 10 years later is a little late, I wonder if this is, in fact, what you both need. If you still want reconciliation, you might have to go back to some missed steps, and that has to be something you are both willing to do. Someone else on this forum said something about this that really stuck with me: there is nothing more intimate than recovering from an affair. Either you are both willing to lean into being flayed open, vulnerable, and raw, or you are not.
As a BS, I had to decide if I wanted this marriage. When I realized I did, I had to learn how to forgive, how to find some compassion, and how to live with this truth about affair recovery: it will never be fair. I still feel lots of feelings about that, but I know it is true. He can do the work going forward to show he can be a safe partner, but there is no 'making up' for the affair. We both have to let that idea go.
Does he want to stay in this marriage? Ask that in an open, neutral way. What would a good marriage look like, now, 10 years later? Can you define what you are moving toward so that you can move beyond that pain?
For us, we BOTH had to accept that the idea of a lifelong commitment we had when we married would have to give way to a new truth. From the day we chose reconciliation (which was about 5-6 months after Dday), we would have to wake up to each day and choose each other. There was no other way forward. That's what we do now.
You made a mistake. It was devastating to your spouse. But that is not all you are. If your BS sees nothing more in you, 10 years later, then you need to calmly and in a place and time where you feel safe and emotionally secure, pose the question: why are we choosing to stay married? Do we still choose that? If so, where are we going so that we have a better marriage?
While I am the BS, not the WS, we are where we are because I was the one who was emotionally intelligent enough in those early days to figure out how to approach him in ways that were not raw with the pain of my betrayal. For me, that was through writing. I could draft and revise until I felt I said what I really wanted to say. If you can't imagine raising this directly, maybe write a letter.
10 years later, you should not be slut-shamed. That's not OK. That's not healed. That's a wound that is infected.