SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have been married 16 years, but it’s been a hard 16 years filled with infidelity, lies, addiction, possible mental health issues. I have always sort of given in with him after his promises and failed attempts to get himself better. However, I just recently found inappropriate messages on his phone with a woman I considered a friend, who also happens to be the mom of our son’s best friend, and the wife of this son’s travel baseball coach. (Our son is 15). After I approached him about what I saw on his phone, his anger escalated and he got physical with me. I have filed for divorce and have an order of protection against him. Lines were crossed and there is no going back this time, no matter how much he uses his mental health issues as an excuse. However, I’m questioning if I should tell my son’s baseball coach that his wife and my husband were having inappropriate conversations on social media. I do not want to tell him for malicious reasons. They also have a lot of kids and I think I would feel really guilty for telling him and that being the reason their family breaks. I’m thinking more in terms of I have a protective order, coaches and parents are going to see that something is going on during games if we are 100ft + away from each other and getting a divorce. I’m afraid this will all come to light during baseball season and my son and his friend will be in the middle of it all. Should I inform the coach or should I pretend it didn’t happen?

you should tell. If they break up, it will be because the wife/mom cheated - not because you alerted the OBS.
You WH has become violent. What if he does that near their son? Protect your family first and foremost, but I think the OBS needs to know to protect his family.

And yeah, your son will know and will tell his best friend and team mates - word will get out. Letting the coach know make sense to me. That he happens to be the OBS is just the way it is.

Good for you for filing right away and taking action to protect yourself. Read through other posts to get advice on how to take extra good care of yourself. Eat healthy,, drink water, avoid drugs/alcohol, exercise, and sleep enough. See your doctor for any sleep issues and for STD/STI testing. And then work on getting your financial ducks in a row.

Keep posting- we understand the pain and challenges you are facing. You are going to get through it and thrive. It just takes time.

I also think you should tell.

I would probably word it in such a way that you found out your husband was having inappropriate conversations on social media with coach's wife - and you have screenshots if he would like to see them. Leave it up to him how much he wants to know.

It may be terribly embarrassing for him if all the other parents know and he's the last to find out. That type of scenario (where a lot of people know a big secret except for the person it is affecting) really infuriates me. It could be anything, not just infidelity.

Forewarned is forearmed for the coach who is in a prickly situation.

Before I get to the main question, is it possible for your son to play on a different team? You don't mention if he knows what's going on and I understand that you don't want him to suffer for what your WH and the OW did, but the fact of the matter is that your son playing on this coach's team puts him in the center of a very volatile situation. Further, you have to be in the same proximity has the OW isn't going to be good for your mental health, either.

Now on to your question.

Yes, you should tell the coach... not out of spite, both because it's the right thing to do ethically and because it's the necessary thing to do because of the protective order. For all you know, your husband might not be her first affair. The coach could also be sensing that something is "off" with his wife's behavior, but she's lying to him and making him feel like he's going crazy. In this case, finding out the truth from you will be a much-needed relief for him.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry you're here. First, I want to point out the Healing Library, which has a lot of great resources. In the JFO (Just Found Out) Forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that are really good, too.

Please, tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse). It isn't out of revenge, but it is giving them their agency back. That way, the OBS has the truth to make important life decisions.

I'm glad that you got out and a protection order. Lundy Bancroft, who works with abusive people, has a book called Why Does He Do That? and touches on what he's learned in his work. It doesn't deal with infidelity, but some of the same principles can apply. (I feel infidelity is abuse.)

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful.

My son does know about the situation, but not the details of what was said. He’s in high school and I wanted to be clear of the situation and give him the choice of staying on the team or backing out. I support him with wanting to stay on the team because he’s very close to all of his teammates. They have played together for years and have a strong bond. Plus, they’re playing in showcase tournaments this season to get exposure to college scouts. It’s my son’s goal to play college baseball, and the only way he’s going to get decent exposure is through this team because we live in a very small town. High school baseball probably won’t give him the exposure he needs. I’m strong enough to keep my emotions in check so he can have opportunities available for him after high school. (This isn’t the first affair in the course of 5 years and I feel like I have already done a lot of grieving for my marriage)

I do feel like it’s probably best to tell the coach what’s going on. My husband downplayed that it was all joking in nature, but that’s a load of crap. I actually messaged the woman he did this with and she said the same, it was a joke. She actually played it off that she didn’t know what I was talking about until I told her the details of what I saw. Then she profusely apologized.I warned her that he’s a dangerous person and she needs to stay away from him.

Ordinarily, I'd say that telling the OBS is the right thing to do, and for all the good reasons others have posted. That said, your circumstances are such that I don't think you have to feel like a bad person if you step away from the drama and put your own safety first. You've already had a domestic violence incident and had to get an RO in place. An RO is just a piece of paper though when we get down to it, so if you feel like your safety is a concern, put yourself first.

My husband downplayed that it was all joking in nature, but that’s a load of crap. I actually messaged the woman he did this with and she said the same, it was a joke.

This right here ^^^ would tip the scales for me in favor of telling. Both WS know they have been busted. This means they are likely to both start planting stories to cover their butts. In all likelihood she has already informed her BH that some psycho made a big deal about a few innocent jokes, can you believe it? And she will likely start planting rumors in the friend group/parent group/team group/ whatever. I would just send him the screenshots and be done with it. Just mho, of course, good luck with this crappy situation whatever you decide. *hug*

I’m on the fence on this one...
The crux being that your husband has been physical, and it is therefore probable that he react in some irrational way. As CT states: a RO is only a piece of paper and doesn’t offer much help if he comes barging in.
I’m a former cop, and from my experience and I think stats would back me up: the biggest threat to a woman’s health and safety tends to be an abusive current or divorced/divorcing spouse.
Have you already taken some logical security precautions?
Like is your home locked 24/7?
Have you changed ALL the locks? Don’t forget the backdoor or the garage code (I’m guessing you or your 15-year old son can do this all in an hour with the help of Youtube).
Do you have some sort of security system?
Can you place cameras so you can see who is at the door?
Is your son clear on not allowing dad into your home without your consent?
Have you planned for and talked to your son about what to do if he suddenly knocks on the door or appears?
Is there a neighbor you can talk to as a first-responder IF he shows up? Generally abusive men don’t escalate if there is someone that can see and/or intervene. Having Sue or Fred the neighbor standing just outside the door, ready to phone 911, is a great deterrent for escalation. They don’t get involved per se – but they are ready to phone or react.
Have a noise-maker. Like one of those canned air-horns. Get 3-5 and have them at key locations. If you are ever in fear then this can summon help and drive him away.

This might all sound dramatic and even expensive, but I could probably pay for this all if I had a dollar for each battered wife I had to help. I’m also certain it wouldn’t cover the medical cost these women had to deal with...

My advice would be to let the coach know.
However – I would keep some things in mind:

For one, all you can do is share what you know. Not what you think or speculate – only what you KNOW.
Don’t make it more (or less) than what you know. Like if there is sexual inuendo (Do you like big cucumbers... or something like that) then don’t share your logical assumption that it is sexual. Just state what you know: Your husband asked his wife that question, and she replied with a smiley face or whatever and for YOU that is inappropriate.

You should also tell him that when you confronted your husband he was so infuriated that he got physical, you have a restraining order on him and that you are divorcing. That this isn’t his first affair, and that coaches wife should be aware of the character of the man she’s interacting with.

Do this confrontation in person. Make it clear that you are sharing this because you think he deserves to know, and not out of revenge or anything like that.
I would also mention that you have the expectation of this not impacting your son’s role in the team in any way or form. That whatever is going on in the two separate marriages has no impact whatsoever on his role as a coach, or your sons role as a member of his team.

-
One final suggestion: With a RO you could (and probably should...) drop by your local police station and have a chat with the duty-officer. Simply show the RO, and explain how you feel scared of possible violence from your husband as the divorce moves on – once he realizes he’s losing whatever grip he had on you. Ask that if you phone 911 your call get’s expedited – the RO is proof enough that there is reason for this.

What this does is simply place you higher in any priority-list IF you call.
At any given moment the officers in your area can all be assigned to some task, and you are simply next in line. Will get to you once they finished that noise-complaint, writing that ticket, or finished their donut or whatever. A priority call will make them leave whatever mundane task they are in and get to you with sirens and lights.

This might all sound dramatic

I am with Bigger. There is a high probability your WH's behavior will escalate as he is losing more and more control.

I did many of the measures that Bigger suggested (right down to going to the police station as a heads up). My ex's behavior continued to escalate with each thing I did but do NOT let that deter you. Keep at it.

If you have neighbor's close by, they recommend a 'light' system. IE something like putting a Christmas candle with a colored bulb in the window facing their house. IF they see that light turned on, they know he is there and to call 911.

Just as Bigger said, my ex wouldn't do things with an audience, he played other games. IE I added garage doors with keypads, only to come home to find both garage doors and my bathroom window wide open. It was mind games like "You can do all the precautions you want, but I can still get to you" sorta games.

You might want to stop by a domestic violence center for some information. They were tremendously helpful. In addition to visiting the police station, they recommended I keep a stalker journal. Very high level; date and time of any occurrences. This goes a long way with the judge if things do escalate and you find yourself in court over one of his outbursts.

As for telling the coach, I would not YET. Your first priority is to navigate getting free of your ex safely. I would do all that first before I told the coach. Your WH has already demonstrated he is unable to kept his emotions in check. Getting yourself and your children through this stage safely is your first priority.

I think I would prioritize my son's wellbeing over everything else. Is this the only travel team that's available to him? If so, I'd think long and hard before blowing that up. If there's another team that he can join, I'd make that happen first, then tell the OBS. You can say that you expect that your son's place on the team won't be affected, but humans in pain behave unpredictably.

I'd probably tell the coach about the RO, but I wouldn't go into details. JMO.

I’m sorry for you and applaud your efforts and strength to do the best for your son.

On that note it is possible the OW doesn’t see it as an "affair" but some inappropriate behavior and communication. You did the right thing by warning her. Hopefully it ends as if that moment.

If you were to be brave enough to share your thoughts to the coach I would say simply that you found some inappropriate texts your H sent and you have confronted your H and demanded he stop. But you wanted to let the coach know in case your H doesn’t stop.