SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hmm…so here I am, in the club no one asked to join. (*insert in the club, we all fam gif here). Let’s start from the top.

My husband (WH, 35) and I (BP, 33) have been together for 15 years, we’re conquered long distance, hard times, good times and everything in between. Then, on October 1st he told me he had developed feelings for someone else. A friend of his, who I know and encouraged him to be friends with. I’ve never been a jealous person, so their friendship didn’t ring any alarm bells for me.

Apparently, he started to feel disconnected from me at the beginning of the year. Instead of saying anything he tried to "work on it himself," in his own words. Shockingly, this did not go well for him…

Instead of communicating his needs, which i’m not ever sure he can correctly identify even now, he told me things like: I want to do more things together, which we did, and I though we were having so much fun. He said he wanted to be more casually physically affection, which we did, and again, I thought we were both enjoying.

Turns out, we were trying to solve two very different degrees of issue. His drift from me continued until he developed feelings for an entirely different person.

If you’re thinking this is finally when he told me, you would be incorrect. He actually told 4 other couples about this prior to coming to me, including his parents. What he hoped to gain from these conversations is still a mystery to me. In fact, it wasn’t until his AP told him that she reciprocated his feelings and cut off communication that he knew this was fucked.

Now, he’s laid all this information at my feet, and I’m just staring at it like "what the fuck do you want me to do with this?" He can’t promise me that he’ll want to be romantic again because all he sees when he looks at me is shame and guilt - like, okay. He’s currently staying with a friend, which is fine, but I can’t tell if that’s more for his own benefit or mine - i think he doesn’t want to have to face me and my hurt and pain.

Some boundaries we’ve established are:

1. A twice daily check in, which he leads, and I follow. Casual, how are you, how is it going.

2. If you want me to show up to couples therapy there is to be no contact with the AP and full transparency.

3. We agree that we want to try and untangle what the fuck happened here.

He’s in IC (as am I) and we are in couples counseling to determine if there is anything to salvage here. I’m certainly guilty of the pick me dance here, and i’m trying to break the habit - thought it’s hard.

As always, hindsight is 20/20, and I can see he’s been struggling all year, despite not being able to say that to me. In May, I went on a weekend trip and when I came home he told me that he had tried to solicit sex on the internet and got scammed out of $500. At the time, I was upset but saw it for what it (or what I thought) was: a cry for help. I encouraged him to seek individual counseling and he did. We even discussed this incident with our couples therapist until we BOTH agreed that we felt reconciled (lol).

So now here I am, blind sided again and going through the motions without truly knowing what I want out of this. I want the marriage I thought I had, and maybe did at one point - but we’re at rock bottom now. I was shoved here, unfortunately, but that doesn’t change that I’m here.

[This message edited by stayg0lden at 3:07 PM, Thursday, October 15th]

stayg0lden,

A couple of questions:

Then, on October 1st he told me he had developed feelings for someone else.

How far has this escalated? You said he tried to solicit sex back in May and you worked through that (I guess?) and now he's developed feelings for someone you encouraged him to be friends with. Can you explain that? I would have a hard time encouraging my wife to be friends with someone from the opposite sex, even before she had an affair.

Has he committed to no contact with the AP?
Do you know the AP and have you attempted to contact their significant other?

It doesn't sound like you've set some very hard boundaries yet, and you're not sure if he even wants this relationship. What do you want to happen?

Appreciate the response. I’ve confirmed with my WH and his AP that it was emotional only, not physical - if they’re to believed (which is sus). I did encourage his friendship with the AP - we both have friendships of the opposite sex and have never run into anything like this in the past. Again, I understand now that I have to take this with a grain of salt.

He has committed to no contact with the AP, and has willingly offered his phone. His AP does not have a significant other, so no one to contact there.

I want the relationship, but you’re right that I haven’t set any hard boundaries. What I want is for him to make a choice, but I fear that in his current state and as it stands, that will never happen if I keep being too light on him. I’m considering no contact for a period of time…

I have been in your exact situation where the Other Woman (OW) really wanted him to D me to be with her.

While my H told me about the affair like it was nothing, a few days later he announced he wants a D. So I understand you being blindsided more than once and in shock and disbelief.

Here are some tips or ideas based on my experience:

Your H has to prove to you he wants to be with you. Right now he might say those words but he’s clearly upset about losing the OW. He misses the excitement and ego boost etc. it’s not that he loved her - he loved how she makes him feel.

It’s new and exciting. She has not heard the same old stories and same old jokes and in the same routine. I had to tell my H that I was his 30 year relationship — not some 30 year old single person with no kids and no responsibilities. I refused to compete for his love or respect etc.

I’m going to say this b/c I truly believe it. Your H wasn’t unhappy until the OW came along. He was being denied the opportunity to have a relationship with her b/c he was married. So he decided to put his own selfish needs first and pursue her.

Funny how the cheater will choose to be loyal to the AP - not their spouse.

The only thing I can suggest is that you watch his actions and ignore his words. His actions will tell you everything. As an example, he may swear up and down that he wants to reconcile and get back together and keep the marriage intact, etc. However if he’s only calling you once a week and you’re having very mundane conversations and he’s not opening up or talking about some of the issues, then it would appear that his words and his actions do not align.

Read up on the affair fog because it will explain so much about his mindset right now.

I hope you can get your a better place and really start communicating how to make reconciliation easier and get to a place where you are both happy.

Appreciate your message! It does resonate with me. Question for you: did you do no contact with your husband, or did you maintain communication while he figured his life out?

Welcome to the club.

Stay golden,
I got the disconnect story too, crock of shit, he had to disconnect himself which in turn allowed him to grant himself permission to act a fool.
You didn’t do anything wrong here, you are in no way shape or form responsible for any of this.

He’s in la la land as my H would call it, since you are the only person living in reality now then my advice would be to let him know your expectations. Also I’m not sure you have everything here, I don’t believe his story and cheaters are fantastic at drip feeding the story which sounds best, ask him if he’s willing to take a polygraph, if he wants to fix this marriage there has to be a foundation.

Take care of yourself.

OK, a little bit of history here. Your husband was bored. He could use the word "unhappy" to allow him to misbehave, but the truth of the matter is he does not have enough to do. None of us do that live in the west. We have machines that take care of everything so we’re not required to do any physical manual labor. I can put clothes in the washing machine and then put them in the dryer, I can turn out a little tab on the top of a vacuum cleaner and that’s all I have to do is just stand there and let the suction do the rest of it. Men were meant to be in loin cloth. having a club in their hands, and running hell bent for leather after a deer or some other thing to eat. It was where they spent all day every day. Women were after beehives if they could find them or grub down in the ground to see if they could get some yams. One thing we were, was busy. Sitting down contemplating our navels was never an option. We were probably close to starvation most of the time. On top of that we were probably nomadic, which meant that we were on our feet and moving all day every day. Compare that to the jobs we all have now.

The next thing is, we’re not out in the sunshine. It used to be about 85% and now it’s 5%. That’s a major switch and it does have an impact on things. Last, sex is a drive and you get that close another person who’s bored and the two of y’all are like two little magnets. You’re drawn to each other for lack of anything else to do. It’s my opinion that if he’s bored he can build a small building in the back of the house to put tools in, and after that, he can repair the roof. He can get under a car and fiddle around with a carburetor.. He can stay busy doing jobs and leave the other woman alone. Unfortunately, all those things I just suggested don’t give him the euphoria that running around after a woman does. I don’t have any suggestions other than to just tell him to cut it out. He’s being an idiot.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:12 AM, Saturday, October 17th]

Did you say twice daily check ins? He's staying with a friend?

I'm with others in that I have some trouble swallowing his story. Cheaters are infamous for only telling you the bare minimum they absolutely have to. We can't know how far this has gone between him and his AP, but the combined wisdom and experience here would suggest you might only have scratched the surface. I don't want to be gloom and doom on you, but you might want to brace yourself just in case.

When you reconciled over the $500 scam, how long did you guys work through that?

If you're doing the pick me dance I strongly suggest stopping that now. As long as you let him know you're going to be there no matter what, he'll be encouraged to keep doing "what." We've seen a lot of these scenarios. I lived it. In our experience the pick me dance almost never works. It's usually an exercise in humiliation and frustration. You can't "nice" a spouse back.

I had to start calling divorce lawyers and set up consultations in front of my wife to crack through her composure. It wasn't until then that she realized I was done putting up with her shenanigans. That's when she dropped her AP and rolled her sleeves up to begin the real work of repairing what she'd broken. I had reached the end my rope and really meant it tho. You do not want to use divorce as a manipulation tactic or a threat. I was resigned. I really meant it, and she could tell.

I don't want to jump to conclusions or catastrophize, but generally speaking by the time a betrayed spouse finds out whats going on it's gone further that they realize or have been told. I'm not saying that's for sure the case with your husband, but it would not be a shock at all. Him moving out and "getting some space" isn't a good sign and he could be just freeing himself up to spend more time with his AP.

I think you should harden yourself up a bit and start establishing some boundaries. Let him know his time for making up his mind is limited and it's on your time table, not his. I'd start calling lawyers. Set up some consultations and don't be shy about letting him know you're exploring your options for divorce. Arm yourself with knowledge.

I know that sounds scary. But talking to a lawyer or 3 (many offer free first time consultations) and knowing your options is not the same thing as filing for divorce. It's removing some fear of the unknown and it's sending him a message. Also, keep in mind that even filing for divorce is not the same thing as finalizing a divorce. It's a process. It takes time, and if there's a miraculous turnaround you can pause or even stop the process altogether at any time. A consultation is not the end. Filing is not the end. Both will send a message - StayGolden is not fucking around anymore. It's time to shit or get off the pot.

Question for you: did you do no contact with your husband, or did you maintain communication while he figured his life out?

I will try to keep this brief because you don’t need to hear every detail of the six months from hell that I lived during his affair.

We never physically separated, but during those six months, I was trying to reconcile, only to learn he continued to cheat.

The only thing I can say to my own credit was that I had enough sense to put together an exit strategy (ant dday1) and back up plan in case reconciliation did not work out.

From DDay 1 through dday2, he would tell me he wanted a divorce. A few days later, he would change his mind swear up and down he didn’t want a divorce. And then a few weeks later he’d want a divorce. All throughout that time I was doing the "pick me dance" and hoping to reconcile. He refused counseling, he refused boundaries, he walked around with an inflated ego, knowing that both women were fighting for his attention.

All that changed at DDay#2. When I learned he was still cheating on me I realized I had to make a choice— and it was either my sanity or I continued to live w/ him lying and cheating. It was then I decided I had to divorce him because I had no other choices left. He was clearly choosing the OW as I heard that day he (yet again) wanted D. Then again changed his mind.

I needed to get off this rollercoaster.

Here is what I learned;

Nothing will change unless I change. By that I mean my H knew I would back down and give in most of the time. I was a doormat and he counted on that.

Dday2 changed that. He saw a side of me I’m positive he wished never existed. I never yelled or cursed or exploded with anger. I maintained my calm rational self (while having a meltdown hiding in my closet). But he was no longer in control and I was calling the shots.

I am not here to make my H happy. I am his wife which means I am here to ADD to his happiness. If he’s unhappy — it’s his fault. If he has things he doesn’t talk to me about, that’s not my fault. He has to figure out his own stuff and not blame me for his boredom or whatever.

Third, my mistake was making him a priority and not myself. All that has changed. He quickly learned if he wanted to R it was not going to be the same marriage.

And most important, I need to be able to financially support myself (& kids). At the time he wanted a D, we were not financially secure due to his job. Now, I hoard $ like no one’s business and keep money in my own account just in case ( H knows about the accounts).

Also I did not help my H during R. I didn’t tell him to read a book or go for counseling or do anything to support his efforts. I didn’t set boundaries. I didn’t tell him what I needed to do it was 100% up to him to figure out how to make R work on his own. If he couldn’t do that, in my mind there was no reason to R. I wasn’t going to babysit him or lead him down the R path. I tried doing that the first 3 months after Dday and it was a huge mistake.

My thought is if the cheaters have enough brain power to figure out how to lie & cheat, they have enough brain power to figure out how to make R work.

If they cannot do that, then I don’t need another child to parent.

Feel free to ask me any questions & always willing to lend support.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:58 AM, Sunday, October 18th]

Tell him to write out a complete timeline of the affair. When he is done ask him if this is everything and if he says yes then ask him if he is willing to take a polygraph

If his immediate response is yes then there's a chance he told you everything, but if he says no or asks why or stalls, then there's a pretty good chance he did not write down everything

The consensus is that most WS's will only confess enough to placate the BS out of fear that the BS will end the relationship if the WS confesses everything.

Stopping the pick me dance is crucial. Not easy, but the sooner the better

Thank you for all of the advice. You’re right, I must stop doing the pick me dance. I have consulted with 1 lawyer so far and have a few other appointments set up this week. I have asked for no contact until our next couples counseling session on Wednesday bc I need time to center myself.

At that session, I will let him know that I’m moving forward as if we are getting divorced, because those are what his actions have shown me he wants. His inability to be present for my pain is a deal breaker for me.

A truly remorseful WS will drag his/her naked butt through miles of broken glass if it would help repair the relationship he/she wrecked. Without the willingness to do so, the chance of long term successful R is slim to none.