SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just started browsing but really glad there is support for Spouses of NPD's.

Have been suspecting my WH has this for a few years. His LTA OW has suspected it too. He has had multiple PA's, EA's and is a compulsive liar.( even when it makes no sense to lie.) Also lots of financial abuse. A penchant for Drama. Never a dull moment in our marriage. Been separated for 16 months now. Walks all overs boundaries I set.

Hi Charli.

Even if not diagnosed, the symptoms are tough to live with. You said you are separated. Are you divorcing?

@ wordown

yes i am planning to file. I am trying to get back on my feet first. I had to move out and get a second job to support myself so it will be a while before i can get the $ saved up. He has huge debts and doesn't support me or the kids at all.

You really should see a lawyer asap.

They can help you get temporary support orders (child support and spousal support). If he has a job, the state can/will garnish his wages, so you don't have to deal with tracking him down to pay you.

Even if he doesn't have a job, any money he might get from the state (tax refunds, social security, etc), will get flagged and garnished too.

Good luck and come back for support.

@worndown,

I did see a lawyer. She told me my best option was to move back in until the D. I couldnt move back in with him. If I had i prob would have killed myself. Where i live, it is no fault D. They don't even consider infidelity. It's all about finances here as far as the legal system goes. I chose the path of life for me, even if it's hard, financially. So much better than living with him.

I would consult a second lawyer. Most states have provisions for you to be able to get emergency/temporary support payments from him (assuming he made more $ than you did).

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” That’s Newton’s 3rd Law. Things bound by laws, rules, and reality don’t apply to interactions with a PD.

Backlash from a PD for any slight, real or imagined is violent, complete, and exponentially harsher than the original action.

This was a really tough lesson I had to learn. I wouldn’t consider myself naïve or lacking in experience but I could never be prepared for the craziness I’ve endured. I’ve witnessed behavior and heard lies that frankly defy any logic.

We’re told we shouldn’t label people but labels have always been there. Not long ago, people that acted like this were called “a crazy whore” or “an obnoxious womanizing asshole”. Now there are clinical definitions but we aren’t supposed to utter them unless we are a degreed professional.

OK…NPD, BPD, Cluster B, whatever might happen to fit it doesn’t matter. What matters is that they are destructive and toxic to everyone they get close to.

PD’s don’t live in a reality with the rest of us. They are writing a novel and we are all just characters in that novel. We are written to suit whatever they want or need at that time. Eventually, their narrative begins to crack and their fears or anxiety bubble to the surface. We are subsequently rewritten from the hero to the villain with another taking the mantle of hero in their fiction. What a mind-fuck.

So, what to do with someone that doesn’t consider or value you as a human being. They look at everyone as a tool to fill that gaping void inside themselves, a utilitarian asset that is disposable if it dares not serve its purpose.

Get off the train because your PD is a crack smoking, meth head, engineer that has the throttle slammed to the floor and is hammering towards a 90 degree turn at full speed, grinning from ear to ear and foaming at the mouth. They don’t care who they are towing behind them and certainly don’t care who is hurt when that bitch derails.

For those in my situation where you have a child together, you don’t have the option to get away. I’ve learned the art of being a “grey rock”. I know longer respond to her attempts to fuck with or hurt me. The only response that is forceful is maintaining the boundaries surrounding my DD and my relationship with her. They are relegated to simple requests to show me courtesy and respect as her father. I never demand, never admonish, and never argue anymore. The illusion of control is very important to BPD exWW and if I need to challenge that it will be in court via my attorney.

The hardest part of this whole experience is coming to terms with the fact that she never loved me and never cared about me as a human being. Her actions and treatment towards me was only a reflection of what I did for her, how I made her feel, and what she could extract from my presence. Then I realized that this applied to everyone in her life.

Wishing you Peace

isitme24

isitme24

For those in my situation where you have a child together, you don’t have the option to get away. I’ve learned the art of being a “grey rock

This is my situation. I am trying to master the art of Grey Rock. He still occasionally pulls me back into his drama and constantly steps on my boundaries or tries to. He knows that i have a few friends that are cops so this helps. I would love to get off the train. I am just trying to survive right now. He still tries to say he loves me and in the next moment blames me for his affairs.Trying not to answer phone calls or texts unless pertaining to the kids.

@worndown. Consulting a different lawyer is a good idea. Money pretty tight for me ( I was a stay at home mom for a lot of years) and saving up for Divorce. I'm not in the States.

Trying not to answer phone calls or texts unless pertaining to the kids.

This^^^

The key to getting out of the grips of an NPD is detaching from them. Interact as little as possible.

I know that's not always possible with kids, but I've kept communications to text/email - this way if they start going off the rails, I just stop communicating.

CharliB

This is my situation. I am trying to master the art of Grey Rock. He still occasionally pulls me back into his drama and constantly steps on my boundaries or tries to.

That's the nitty-gritty. They feed on the emotion, negative or positive, and the energy it creates. If you're flat they starve and lose interest. They'll be on to another victim and leave you alone. BTW...there is nothing wrong with boundaries but you need to use finesse when enforcing them.

It's a lot easier when you accept and trust your decision to separate. It will give a true perspective on what his intentions and motivation are.

isitme24

[This message edited by isitme24 at 3:42 PM, June 7th (Wednesday)]

I have used finesse when setting boundaries.

I allow him to come into to my home when dropping off kids. I have even offered food and coffee. He takes it further: He comes in with the kids when I am not here and takes a 2 hour nap on my couch. He chitchats with my neighbours when he is coming and going like Mr. Wonderful!

Anyone else suffered financial abuse?

Yep. I've made > $100K for the last 10 years. I'm broke and have bad credit due to the ex spending money like it was going out of style; getting credits cards and running them up.

3 years post separation, and I'm finally out of the financial hole, but my credit is still not good (getting better though).

My STBXH kept a lot of the financial situation hidden from me.He even went as far as intercepting my mail for the last 3-5 years. Pretty sure there is a hand delivered forclosure notice in my future.

How do you get your NPD spouse out of your head space?

We are still in IHS as the divorce percolates.

He has been gone most of the weekend to various social engagements. I have been home puttering and hanging out with my kids.

Even though I had a great time doing stuff that I wanted to do, I swear I was obsessing about him the whole time.

He came home for a short time and it took me a full hour to get myself back on track.

We don't talk due to the necessity of NC but just his presence throws me for a loop.

I hate it. I hate that I can't just go about my business without ruminating about him, our relationship, when it went wrong, who he's with now, why I feel so shitty, when will this end, who will the kids endup liking, are my kids going to be narcissists...

It sucks. I could get so much done if I could just get him out of my head.

@ Honestgirl

I don't know how you can do it! I have been separated for 11 months this time. ( I separted before for 3 months). I still have him in my head space too much! I would not have been able to survive in house separation. My lawyer advised me to do that, for financial reasons but I knew i wouldn't be able to cope. I am working 2 jobs and feel like i hardly see my kids but it is still better than having to have stbxh around.

Today my stbxh really got into my headspace. Dealing with financial issues that he hasn't dealt with. A lot of smoke and mirrors and crazy making. Involved calling credit councelling that actually hadn't retained him as a client as he said they did and hadn't seen any documents as he said they did. Also hadn't prepared any proposal either. Go figure.

I had a full blown panic attack. I haven't had one in over a year.(since we separated) I felt totally out of control and I wasn't able to go in to work. That has never happened before. It really scared me!

CharliB

I

allow him to come into to my home when dropping off kids. I have even offered food and coffee. He takes it further: He comes in with the kids when I am not here and takes a 2 hour nap on my couch.

Ughhh. You need to tighten those boundaries. Stop him at the door on the exchange, better yet, do it at a neutral locations. No food, no coffee and it is certainly not ok to come over and take a nap on your couch. He can meet you to make the exchange. Why do allow this? That is a sincere question not a 2*4 What are you thinking and feeling about the interaction with him?

Answer to why I was allowing that:

For the kids. I wanted to treat him with respect and dignity that he doesn't deserve so the kids would feel more secure. I saw no reason to be rude or obnoxious about things. Completely backfired on me because he is NPD and doesn't care about anyone else. I guess i am late picking up on things. I take no offense at the question. Many of my friends have asked me the same and i know you all mean well. I am now enforcing more boundaries and now that the kids know more about who and what he is, i think they will understand.