SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I cannot thank everyone enough for all of your advice but please I need more. I swear I am never going to rise above all of this. It has been months and I still do nothing but cry. Everywhere I go, everything I see reminds me of him and us. I have tried all the advice. I haven't slept more than an hour at night in almost 5 months. The endless "movies" of the two of them and the text messages I read...the quotes he sent her still play endlessly in my mind. I try to think of something else. I get up and start baking. I get up and play with my dog....I just cannot seem to turn off the thoughts and images. To make things harder, friends we had, friends we did things with have turned on me! He cheats and they somehow have made it about how had I made him happy this wouldn't have happened! Some of them will not even talk to me anymore yet they are out bowling and partying with him! My entire life has been shattered. I sit at home and cry and cry while he is out enjoying every second of his life with people who were my friends! Not only did I lose my relationship, my pride, my stable home but now my friends. I have been having such dark thoughts. I am not sure if it is the exhaustion, the feeling of worthlessness or the endless hurt that isn't lessening....but I am not sure how much more I can take. I do not have family and now I do not even have friends for support. How did this turn out to suddenly be my fault? how is it that he cheats and I am to blame? How did I become the bad guy in all this? No matter what I do.....I end up in tears. I could be enjoying a show or dinner out and bam...tears as the images and thoughts take over. Everything in my dam house reminds me of him EVERYTHING! I cannot afford to move. I have rearranged furniture. I have moved things around. I get so angry and then so upset because it is eating me alive that he is out having fun as if what we had meant nothing and I home alone in pain. I sometimes think it would be easier to just never wake up. I wouldn't have to see, hear or deal with his enjoyment or my agony. I cannot afford counselling. I can barely afford my home since he is gone. My head knows that at some point the pain has to lessen but I am not sure I will survive until I get to that point. All the firsts are so painful. First holiday without him. The passing of his birthday. The unfinished projects he was working on. Spring is almost here and the plans that had been made. It just never ends. People in stores who were used to seeing us together asking where he is. I have a neighbor who lives beside me who loved my EH. She would always talk to him and not so much me. She saw he was gone and she said right to me, "I knew you couldn't hold a man like that!" Of course, now all of this has me thinking what could I have done differently? Did I not shower him with enough love? Did I not compromise enough? I am being made to feel like somehow I caused this. But how? I thought we were happy. I didn't see anything wrong. He didn't express that he was missing anything. We did everything together. We shared I love you's man times a day. We texted throughout the day to stay in touch while we worked. What did I miss? I am such a shell of a person. I think I hate myself as much as I hate him and the mistress. Sadly, I don't hate him and that's the problem. If only he missed me. if only he was the slightest bit unhappy about being kicked out. I see his posts. I have sent he pics. He is out with fiends every night, laughing and socializing. A friend we both had has told me that he is happy. She spoke with him and he has told her that he is happy to be free to do everything he wants to do with whomever he wants to do it with. He refers to our relationship as "stale". I just cant stop crying. I just cannot seem to pick myself up. This pain is becoming unbearable. :(

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel the deep pain and sorrow in your words. I’m 3 and half years from Dday and your words are a reminder of how deep in pain and sorrow I was, but it does get better. Just wake up every day and do your best to take care of yourself. Fitness was my outlet and it improved my mind and body.

Have any of these "friends" reached out to you? If not they were never true friends. You now have the opportunity to see everything from a distance and know your H and those friends were never true to you. Look at it as the trash took itself out.

Most people that haven’t been through infidelity don’t understand the pain and trauma. They think the betrayed somehow failed and they should be over it in a couple of weeks.

Your H and the COW are not the prize, you are. She is willing to take seconds and hop in a relationship with someone that would walk away from his W. She is just as messed up as him.

I’m sorry there are no words that can get you through this, but we can all relate.

Friend, it made me so sad to read this update from you because I’ve been where you are. You’re grieving, and it’s a very dark place to be. Sometimes it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re in that place. It’s what Anne Shirley called "the depths of despair" and it’s an awful place to be.

The good part is that these extremes of emotion- bad or good - don’t last long, relatively speaking. The bad part is that you can’t rush yourself through that healing process - it takes time. But know this - you WILL be happy again. You WILL come out of this on the other side, a little wiser.

I think that if I were you, I’d try and take up HIS mentality. You are FREE. You can do whatever you want with your life. Assign yourself aspirations, goals. Think of things you’ve always dreamed of doing and put them on a bucket list, and then start working towards them.

Maybe writing a book? Taking a trip to Italy? Volunteering at a hospital? Whatever it is, know that nothing is out of reach. You CAN achieve your dreams and you are NOT finished by any means. No matter what this dude and your "friends" want you to believe (also, screw your neighbor - what the hell, she sounds terrible).

You exist independently of him. Your life and your happiness are NOT tied to him. You were not put on this earth so that this douche could break your heart and wreck you. Your story is NOT written yet.

Please keep posting, and don’t give in to these dark thoughts. We are faceless people on the internet but we are here for you. Stay strong, girl. You’ve got a lot of living to do, and if finding your great love is one of your goals - well, it’s still in front of you.

How exciting is that? :)

Have you been to the doctor for medication? Sometimes, our brain chemistry gets off and needs help to get back on track. Meditation and mindfulness activities helped me get rid of the thought spirals. I was a total mess for the first year.

I'm sorry that your "friends" are not supportive. The comment about not making him happy? He's really not happy with himself, and soon will do the same thing to his next partner.

It hurts to see you hurting so much. If you ask me, bluntly speaking, you’re surrounded by utterly crappy people. That neighbor can suck on broken glass

People who find "happiness" on the bodies of those they stepped on to get it are not worth your tears. Your ex wasn’t man enough to communicate any dissatisfaction, and he still isn’t man enough now even as he’s "happy and free" in his new life. He’s surrounded by people and an OW who think exactly like him, and frankly you wouldn’t want two-faced people like that in your life, would you?

You’re still in the process of grieving. That’s okay. In time, your thoughts will shift from him to you. As long as you distance yourself from toxic friend circles, social media, and pain shopping, you’ll see things you haven’t before and eventually wonder why you ever cried over him. The ultimate goal is indifference to whatever cushy life he has.

But for now, let yourself feel the grief one day at a time. Don’t try to force yourself to recover faster. Also, don’t give that neighbor the time of day anymore. Surround yourself by new supportive friends and let whoever sides with your ex form their own circus.

Hugs from this internet stranger. Hang in there.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Reading the responses makes me feel somewhat less alone. I know everyone here has suffered pain and I am not unique in this. I feel bad for anyone who has to deal with this form of betrayal. It cuts deeper than a knife. I read what everyone is saying but sadly, as much as I believe what everyone is telling me, the darkness has a stronger hold. I see the doctor tomorrow. However, I have struggled with my weight my whole life and everything he suggested to put me on causes weight gain. I do not need that to add to my upset as well. I would prefer not to resort to medications if I can at all help it. He did give me sleeping pills that have done nothing. I know that what happened defines his character and hers, but it has left me with zero confidence and doubting my ability to read/trust people. It has left me the loneliest I have ever been. The silence in the house is so loud I am going deaf from it. I have four dogs and they keep me busy but they miss him too and my grief finds me becoming impatient with them as well.. I guess the hardest part is having no friends left to talk to or get out with. I have been trying to find groups to join but am not having any luck. I think I have too much time on my hands to think, to remember. I know I shouldn't care what people think, but it is destroying me that friends have taken his side and have been shutting me out. They actually believe that he has done nothing wrong or they believe that it is none of their business and that I should let it go! How could I have been so wrong about all the people in my life? Now I wonder if it is me? Did I somehow cause all this? Am I not good enough for anyone? I don't think I would be missed. Then I wonder what's the point then? Are they laughing at me?...the idiot who couldn't keep her man happy? The woman who was so blind she couldn't see her man was moving on? I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking that woman couldn't keep a relationship. I feel like I am walking around with some kind of brand on my forehead. I know its wrong but it is gnawing at me that I hurt and he doesn't. It is making me go crazy that he can do this despicable thing and his friends and mine just welcome him back into their circle and act as if nothing ever happened, nothing is different. I just feel so lost and so utterly worthless. At the moment my life is frozen in time. I just don't know how to move past it all. I wish i had the strength you all seem to have.

It’s not you. Please believe us when we say it’s not. People want the easier, less stressful, less emotional path. They want the path of least resistance. If they side with him and blame you, they have a much easier time coping with the fact that this can happen to anyone. They need to believe that you did something wrong or they’re gonna have to fear it happening to them as well, if it hasn’t already.

They flock to him because he’s all sunshine and rainbows, but it’s only surface level happiness. You can’t keep a man happy if literally nothing keeps him happy for long. There’s always gonna be that one sliver of discontent plaguing them, and no one can fulfill that for them except themselves. If this happened to them, then I’d guarantee they’d make a big fuss about it.

You have the right to be upset just like they think they have the right to be happy. Like I said, utterly two faced and self-absorbed.

I hope the doctor’s appointment will be beneficial for you.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:15 PM, Monday, March 6th]

Did I somehow cause all this? Am I not good enough for anyone?

Absolutely not true, its a very normal feeling, if only I had..... I went through this also. I busted my ass in the M and did everything to make it better, she didn't care she was going to cheat no matter what I did.

Are they laughing at me?

I was pissed with this one, I was convinced they were making a big joke about me. It wasn't true, her and her friends were so wrapped up in their own broken selfishness, they didn't have room to think about anyone but themselves.

I feel like I am walking around with some kind of brand on my forehead.

Same, I felt that strangers at the store could tell. I went into a shell and couldn't face anyone. When I started to heal about 6 months - 1 year I reclaimed my confidence and self esteem, again working out was the best thing for me, it is a natural anti depressant, I also got down to my goal weight and started seeing myself as the prize.

Did I not compromise enough? I am being made to feel like somehow I caused this. But how? I thought we were happy. I didn't see anything wrong. He didn't express that he was missing anything. We did everything together. We shared I love you's man times a day. We texted throughout the day to stay in touch while we worked. What did I miss? I am such a shell of a person. I think I hate myself as much as I hate him and the mistress. Sadly, I don't hate him and that's the problem. If only he missed me. if only he was the slightest bit unhappy about being kicked out.

I swear, I could have written this. I was in exactly the same boat with WH. He never said he was unhappy, we spent all our time together, texted throughout the day, said ILY all the time.

I'm also in the same boat in that he left and does not give a fuck about me. 17 years together, talking every day, then nothing. I'm pretty sure he's living with AP.

Same, I felt that strangers at the store could tell.

Oh, they literally could and did with me! Had a stranger at a hockey game ask if I was OK. That was humiliating.

Now I wonder if it is me? Did I somehow cause all this? Am I not good enough for anyone?

It's common to feel this, as I felt this, too. After therapy and reading, I found out the thought process was due to the emotional abuse doled out by XWH. He intentionally acted in ways to make me feel less than, stupid, worthless.

I've struggled with my weight, too. I lost 150 lbs pre-A. What did XWH do? Slept with somebody who outweighed me before I lost all my weight. Adam Levine's wife was a Victoria's Secret underwear model, and he cheated on her. There are all kinds of Hollywood actors/actresses that are gorgeous and were betrayed by their spouse. You didn't cause the A - it's all on him.

I feel like I am walking around with some kind of brand on my forehead.

I had strangers stop me in the grocery store a couple of times to ask if I was ok. It's possible that your grief is written on your face.

It took me about 2 years after dday1 to get to where my self-esteem wasn't in the toilet.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can very much relate.

One thing that helped me was accepting they IT IS NEVER GOING TO MAKE SENSE.

No amount of thinking about it or replaying things in your mind is going to get you to a place of OHHHH - That's why this happened and why he’s so happy and I should be ok with all of this. NOTHING will get you to this place.

Work through your grief. Give yourself permission to move into the anger phase - I held off for so long because "he’s struggling. This isn’t him."

Yeah, nekorb, it IS. Once I gave myself permission to be angry it was so much easier to let go. Not easy, but SO much better than the place you are in now.

You will get there if you let yourself. You owe him nothing in thought or deed. Take care of you.

Devastated16.

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much.
I know you don't want to be in this place, and that is why you are reaching out. So I'm going to offer some gentle suggestions.

I see his posts. I have sent he pics

-Stop doing this! Delete your social media accounts if you need to. Unfriend and block him. Unfriend anyone who is posting pictures of him.
-Talk to a lawyer and seriously think about moving forward with a divorce. Even if you still want things to work out, you ended up with the dogs, and he should be paying for half their care. And you should have the option of selling the house and the contents if you want. If things somehow work out down the road, you can remarry.
-Make a pledge to yourself to get 15 minutes of exercise every day. The rec center near you will have some classes. If you aren't athletic, look into chair yoga or water aerobics.
-You live in Canada, and I'm sure there are divorce support groups near you, or if not, there certainly are online. If you can't afford therapy, or frankly even if you can, nothing replaces the support and wisdom of people going through it. If you can't find anything locally, look online. If you think you are codependent, look at IntheRooms - which has online meetings.
-Keep you eye on Kijiji and facebook marketplace for new furniture. Or post and see if someone wants to do a furniture swap.
-Try to find one hour a week to volunteer at a food bank or senior center or something where you are giving to others, instead of focusing on yourself.
-Go online and research grounding skills. Practice them. You are in trauma. If you can't afford therapy, perhaps your doctor will write you a referral for EMDR. Sounds to me like you have PTSD

Betrayal is a loss of control. Our reality is upended. We can't control the behavior of our partner or the people around us. Many of us are betrayed from all sides. But, we can control ourselves. It comes in teeny tiny little increments, a few minutes at a time but those baby steps are the first steps to healing, and one day we realize we are so much more steady on our feet.

I really feel for you as with a lot of us, have been in the unbearable pain where it feels like there is no end and our imagination and rumination of what is happening just causes ongoing pain.
There is a community of strangers here who understand. And it does get better with time and support. from 24/7 thinking, heartache to able to be distracted by somethings, work, pets, children, friends. Night time is hard, lying awake with our thoughts swirling and trying to operate in a fog during the day. Exercise, no alcohol a lot of the things people recommend at least make us feel like that is something we can control when everything else feels out of our control. I still have to do this years out. What can I control, how I respond. It will never never make sense. I just put that down to a lot of things that are going on in the world that makes no sense to me. There are people who can really hurt others and justify, lie, cheat and they could be anyone. My WH, he supposedly has the same values as me but somehow can lie, cheat, steal and behaved in a way that were in absolute conflict with these values. And he managed to justify this for years.
Most of us were blindsided and it is traumatic and takes years to recover from. It was a relief in a way to know that it was around 3 - 5 years. And others felt at year 3 some sort of flatness like I did. There is no hurry and slowly we all notice a slight change. I remember after a year, that I forgot about it for a day, I was so distracted with work.
But you are at the beginning and everything you are feeling is normal. But you are worth it and deserve a really good life. It sounds like those "friends" are the kind we find out never were friends. I envy you with your dogs. Dogs just love us unconditionally and need to be taken care of, so are a good, safe and positive distraction.
Keep posting and talking. You have been heard and we are listening.

Thank you again everyone. I have read all your replies. I appreciate what everyone has said and a lot of it has hit home. I do know that my mind and my heart are battling. Logic tells me he is not worth my time and effort. Heart keeps remembering all the good times. I love the advice that when I start to dwell on missing him or the good times to tell myself, he cheated, he lied, he deceived and shattered my life. I may make that my cell phone home screen to remind me. I lived for 6.5 years with a man I really didn't know, a man who fooled me with a façade.

The fact that all of you and so many others have survived and grown strong does inspire me. I many not see any light at the moment but I have read enough to realize this epidemic of cheating is rampant and yet people do eventually bounce back. If I was younger maybe I would feel more hopeful. I just feel like I have lost the best years of my life and by the time I recover from this horrible chapter, I will be just too old to start again. When I read what I say, I realize I need to work on me. I need to find peace within myself. Again...heart vs mind.

I too want to move into the angry stage. I think dealing with the anger would be so much easier than dealing with the despair. I actually thought that by looking at his social media what I have seen would make me mad...instead it just perpetuates the pain. I do try for the most part to stay off of it. It is sad really, what makes me hurt I keep doing. It is like I am drawn to make myself suffer. My head knows what I have to do yet, I just cant do it. I am literally incapacitated with hurt. I hate myself for not being stronger.

Sadly, rebuilding my confidence and my ability to trust my own decisions going forward is going to be an uphill battle. I think a lot of it is I feel that I am getting too old to start over and that the best years of my life are gone. After all my first 23 year marriage ended in divorce. My FH was abusive emotionally. I stayed long enough to make sure my children were safe and old enough to decide who to live with. I stayed single 5 years after that before I dated. I dated some then found my current WH who I thought was my forever. Now I feel like I will never be able to trust my decisions nor will I find anyone I can trust. I hate the idea of being alone forever, but I hate being deceived again. I feel so worthless and so ugly that I don't believe any other man would ever want me. This whole thing has totally eroded my self worth and respect. My mind knows it was not my fault but does it really? If it did why do I feel so unlovable?

I did seek revenge. The OW was my husband's health and safety rep. She had just been hired. I wrote a very professional and polite email to her and cc'd her bosses. I explained that I knew about their sexting and that it was happening at all hours of the workday and night. I mentioned that I know she is aware he is married as I talked to her on the phone months prior and asked her to leave him alone. I included proof of the messages and the times during work they were sent. She was fired. That did bring me some short lived happiness. He has been with the company for several years (I got him the job, ironic eh? I led him to his lover). He kept his job but with a stern warning. I have let go of further retaliation as I need to not lower myself to her lack of morals. So instead, I sit and cry and cry and cry, still.

Thank you all for reaching out. My goal is move past this as so many others have. My doctor is keeping a close eye on me. I am trying to find ways to make friends. However, I would be lying if I said I do anything but exist....I get up go to work, come home and sit. I try to sleep but right now if I get an hour that's a good night for me. I am not sure what I would have done had I not found this site.

One thing that often has good results for lifting a person's spirits is volunteering. It's possible to remind yourself that you still have many blessing and tons of value when you do something good for people who are suffering. There are so many ways to give and you have such a kind heart. When you don't know how to fill up your life, you can't go wrong by letting your goodness shine on others.

Talk to your doctor, explain and get something to help sleep, anti depressants might help. See a counselor, if the first one doesn't fit keep trying till you find one you like. Read a good book, there are some good suggestions on this site. Get exercise, even just walking.

Those "friends" you wrote about are not friends. Women who don't help other women, you don't want friends like that. This was not your fault. Your x husband is a cheater and a liar. Take care of you!

I am getting desperate. Every time I think I am taking one step forward, I fall 10 steps back. I thought by not crying every second of the day I was making progress. Then this weekend, cried most of it. Today at work, I cannot stop crying. I sincerely, cannot stop thinking about my WH being out there having fun while I am dying more and more each day. The nice weather will be here soon and he will be out riding his bike with his club friends and attending bike nights (motorcycle riding club). There are always plenty of single women and women ready to hook up. It is tearing me apart! I lose all my friends, have no one to talk to or do anything with and he is living the life! How do I stop caring? Why do I want him to want me back so badly? Why am I hoping he will want me back? Why am I such a weak minded idiot who is wanting this man back? Why can't I stop these feelings? I feel like I will be alone forever and the silence is screaming so loud it is driving me so far down the black hole I cannot see light! Why can't I just get mad, stay mad and move on? At times I am just frozen with pain. I cannot think, cannot move and the despair is beyond overwhelming. I don't think it would hurt this much had he died. At least in death I wouldn't be agonizing over him with another woman and having fun while I cry! What does all this say about me? I am weak, pathetic, trying to hold onto something that obviously was toxic. I hate myself for kicking him out I should have just turned a blind eye to the affair. OMG do you know what I sound like? The worlds biggest fool! I just cant seem to move past this loss. I cannot accept it is over. I cannot accept that he could do this. I cannot accept that he doesn't care how much I hurt. I cannot accept that he doesn't hurt over losing me! I know how all this sounds. I know how I sound. However, I just cannot change my feelings. The doctor gave me something to "help me sleep". doesn't work. The odd few hours I get I find myself have nightmares about him and women. Last night I found myself sitting on the bed unable to move. I couldn't stand up, lay down or move. I was just frozen in time feeling the most gut wrenching emotional pain that I thought would never end. It was utter despair. I sat there for hours. Finally my dog jumped on my lap and I was forced to let him out. I do not know what I am going to do. I cannot keep going on this way.

(((Devastated)))

Like others have said your post really moved me as it brought me right back to where I was a year ago. I can relate completely to all the awful feelings you described. Waking up in the morning was the hardest. 5 months is not long and it can feel exhausting getting through the day. I was surrounded by triggers and at one point I didn’t even want to sit on my sofa as it reminded me of him.

Like you I had no warning of the cheating and him leaving me. He took me on a surprise romantic break 2 weeks prior to him leaning me. We were also trying for a baby. I can relate to the shock and utter devastation. The shock is hard to deal with.

Some counselling schools provide counselling at affordable prices. I called free helplines. When I needed to I picked up the phone and dialled the helpline. It helped.

I did spiral down, I wasn’t sleeping or eating and I knew I had to do something. You have to do what is right for you but I went off sick for a week at work and started on antidepressant medication. I am very sensitive to meds so I asked for a low dose with minimal side effects. It gave me my sleep and appetite back. That was the beginning of me getting better. I took them for 2-3 months.

Crying is getting those emotions out too.

We are here for you.

Therapy with a betrayal trauma specialist helped me. I did meditation every day to get my through my thought spirals. The consciously concentrating on breathing helped. The person leading the meditation said that if my thoughts wandered, that it was ok and to bring my focus back to my breathing. Now, when I start to have spiraling thoughts, I take a few cleansing breaths and reframe my focus.

Betrayal trauma can cause you to have PTSD. Can you talk to your doctor about it? They may be able to provide other forms of help for you in this time.

Your neural pathways may be out of whack. Playing certain types of video games, or on your tablet, can help. Games like Candy Crush or something similar.

Your neural pathways may be out of whack. Playing certain types of video games, or on your tablet, can help. Games like Candy Crush or something similar.

Agreed. The brain makes all sorts of weird connections when under stress. You might read a copy of The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk for a fuller understanding of trauma a treatment. The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson is good too. Plus, it deals more specifically with losing a mate.

For me, it was adult coloring books. I particularly liked ones by Valentina Harper for the small, mindless details. One of the therapies which can help with PTSD is Mindfulness/Meditation. I was, and am, terrible at it. Activities like adult coloring or video games can work the brain in a very similar way by getting your mind to budge up a bit and let some mindless relaxation in.

I know it might not seem like it, but you're going to get there. Have faith in human resilience. It's not easy, but healing is within you.

((big hugs))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:44 PM, Monday, March 20th]