SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My heart breaks for you and your situation.

Your man cheats on you and leaves.

Your " friends " are blaming you.

Also, you are being too hard on yourself too.

How do I stop caring? Why do I want him to want me back so badly? Why am I hoping he will want me back? Why am I such a weak minded idiot who is wanting this man back? Why can't I stop these feelings?

Please stop beating yourself.

The physical symptoms such as crying, not being able to eat and sleep are 100% normal.

I will leave you this link with six pages of other BS'S here going through exactly what you are going through now. So, you dont have to kick yourself anymore.

Also, your emotions being all over the place is normal too.

" what physical symptoms of the A did you have ?"

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/597986/what-physical-symptoms-of-a-did-you-have/?ap=1

Sending lots of love and strength.

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 1:17 AM, Tuesday, March 21st]

Wow Dorothy123........WOW! I just read the physical symptoms people had as a result of DD. I am no different than anyone else dealing with these dark thoughts. Reading what others have gone through makes me ill that sooooooooo many people are suffering or have suffered because of narcissistic, self- absorbed, selfish, untrustworthy pieces of sh**! How can so many people CHOOSE to hurt another person this way! The absolute pathetic part is they don't care! If they did, they could never cheat to begin with!

Sadly, reading all these posts made me realize the 1 hour sleep a night I am getting if lucky, the shakes, the severe anxiety, the constant crying, the inability to trust my own decisions, the endless mind movies are all normal. However, reading all these posts also makes me realize that I NEVER want to get involved with anyone else ever again as cheating and infidelity seem to be the new norm! I will NEVER trust another soul! I could never survive this again as I am not surviving now. I am barely hanging on.

This is why I get so obsessed over the fact that my WS's friends nor his family are holding him accountable for his destructive, self-centered behaviour! They are all just acting like nothing ever happened or blaming me for his being "driven to cheat!!!!! I am not sure I want to live in a word where cheating is condoned and the hurt party is chastised.

There is NO EXCUSE to cheat! Not EVER! It is a choice.....a choice to lie, to deceive and to rip the very heart out of the person who is committed to you! I do not believe the WS is ever sorry......they have had plenty of time while cheating to realize what they are doing, to realize the hurt and destruction they are causing and yet they continue. THEY ARE ONLY SORRY THEY EVER GOT CAUGHT! Sadly my WS said those exact words...."I am sorry I got caught!"

I just want to die. I cannot handle this pain. I cannot handle the betrayal. I cannot handle the loneliness. But most of all, I cannot handle that he is having the time of his life with his friends, our friends and feels no hurt at all! I want him to suffer endless hurt too!

It's not true that the suffering is "endless". It might not seem like it right at this moment, but we do come out the other side of this thing. It's hard and it sucks, but it's also temporary and finite. Please don't hesitate to call a Suicide Prevention hotline if your thoughts are of self-harm. Call or text 988.

We've all been there, in one form or another, so we get how painful it is. We're still here though, proof that it's do-able. Try to breathe through the pain. If you look up "four square breathing", you'll find that's it's taught to first responders and can actually lowers the blood pressure.

((big hugs))

Hugs to you.

It does get better.

Please hold on.

Echoing the others - it really does get better. Sometimes in such small increments that you don’t notice right away, but then suddenly you realize that you’ve made real gains. Hang on. Get help — IC, suicide help line, best friend, pastor,…whatever works for you.

Get some exercise. Animals shake the trauma out of their bodies. We humans also can process some of the trauma out of our systems.

I hurts. I remember- I was a disaster, the absolute definition of a dumpster fire. But now I am thriving. You will too.
Sending strength and virtual (((hugs))).

I also wanted to echo what others have said

It WILL get better.

When I was surrounded by triggers, sleep deprived, hungry (unable to eat) , stressed I never believed it. But it really, really DOES get easier.

When you said you questioned your own judgement I could really relate to that. It brought that feeling back to me. I was so exhausted and confused and traumatised when it happened I didn’t know who or what I was. It’s hard to think clearly. I blamed myself and picked myself apart.

But (I know it’s hard to believe) that feeling is temporary. It truly is. You are likely exhausted and stressed. That will fade as you get some distance from the ex and find your own strength again. And you WILL find that strength.

I went to yoga. I didn’t want to go. I remember the tears streaming down my face when I went. But it was an achievement. It helped me.

Just know that in time you will see your ex clearly, see their faults clearly and be able to know that you are a valuable person that only deserves a good relationship.

Peace, strength and clarity is coming. Hang in there. We are always here.

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. My anxiety was so intense I ended up throwing up at my desk. My WS texted stating that he needed to come and get more of his tools. He thinks he can just announced he is coming and show up. I am beyond stressed because the home we lived in is mine. I owned it before we met. I had tools and things I needed for maintenance of my home. When we got together and made it "our home", he had many tools as well. He donated most of mine under the pretense that "we don't need two sets and his are better/newer quality". Now he is taking everything and I am left with nothing. It is hard enough dealing with the emotional, physical and mental pain but now he is tightening the screws financially! He is living in an apartment! What does he need with all these! There is just no end to his selfishness and it feels like he turns the knife a little more.

Needless to say I did not sleep at all last night. This morning my blood pressure was dangerously low and I had a dizzy spell which found me on the floor. I feel weak and frail these days. I also feel angry that I am letting this WS have so much power over me that I am a shell of a person. Sadly, the grief is still stronger than the occasional anger I feel. I need to get to that angry stage and stay there!

Easter is coming.....and I will be alone. I do not have family and sadly, no longer any friends. It is so scary how loud the silence screams at me day in day out. I hate weekends as everything reminds me of what I have lost. I cannot even seem to get myself out a door to grocery shop. We always did everything together so even the simplest tasks seem overwhelming and impossible.

My head knows that by allowing all this pain, I am letting him somehow win. I know I need to turn this around and learn to let go. I just wish it was as easy as telling myself to.

My situation is not uncommon. It is no worse than what anyone else on here has endured. Your words, your thoughts, your replies and your virtual hugs, the crisis line and my doctor are what have stopped me from slipping down the black hole of no return. The thought of just ending it is right there at the forefront of my mind, but far enough away thanks to all of you that it has not won.

The wonderful advice about joining "meetup" is something I took. I am supposed to go to a games night tomorrow. Sadly, I struggle being out with people I do not know. We will see if I can force myself to go there. It will be huge if I can , but I am not counting on it. But by joining, it was the right first step.

Again, thank you everyone for being my lifeline.

(((Devastated16 )))

Your pain is a palpable through your written words. I remember how overwhelming it is and I wish there was something I could say to make the process easier.

Your healing and health come FIRST. You need space and time. Give this as a gift to yourself and demand it of him. He does not have to like it. He does not get to call the shots. Remember, HE perpetrated this on YOU. When you are ready, you can decide who gets what. As you pointed out, YOU had tools and he gave yours away. Now you need them for your house. Therefore, he can take half and you get half. That is only fair and, TBH, way too generous. I am not sure why he gets to abuse you and then come and take things that you need. In addition, it hurts you to see him. Tell him to stick it. You will give him the tools when you are able to deal with it emotionally.

There are a number of support groups for infidelity listed online. Have you checked any of them out? It helped me to find others who have experienced infidelity to talk to. Volunteering also helped me a lot. It helped me to focus on something other than my pain. The other thing that helped me was meditation. If you are a newbie to meditation, Pema Chodron writes really terrific books which are super helpful as well.

Hugs.

Sending you a massive hug.

I remember hating weekends too. Easter last year was really hard. Holidays are hard.

Next year you will be in a different place and look back on how strong you were. And you will be proud of that.

I talk from my own experience. I never believed it at the time.

Like others I wish I could take the pain away for you. All I can do is say that I understand and empathise, because I have been there myself. All of us here have. It’s hell to go through.

These feelings are truly, truly awful. But they are also temporary. You will find your strength and at the same time you start to see them for who they truly are. It will happen.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. Well done for keeping posting and for phoning the helplines. I called them too. It helped me.

Keeping busy and distracted helped me. Even if I turned up and left after 10 minutes I saw that as an achievement.

NC was also a saviour to me. As hard as it was it helped me distance and get clarity. I started to see him for what he was.

I admire your strength through this. You are stronger than you think you are.

The wonderful advice about joining "meetup" is something I took. I am supposed to go to a games night tomorrow. Sadly, I struggle being out with people I do not know. We will see if I can force myself to go there. It will be huge if I can , but I am not counting on it. But by joining, it was the right first step.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, right? Every little act of care and kindness you provide to yourself counts. You can do this. You do have what it takes inside. Have faith in your ability to overcome and you WILL overcome. It's hard and it sucks, but you can get there.

((big hugs))

Many prayers... The heart and mind need healing for certain. Betrayal is devastating.

Dear ((Devastated))

Reading your post has me in tears, my experience with infidelity is different than yours but so very painful. Finding myself on the floor I can relate to. Ending up in an ER from the heartbreak. Please take care of yourself this shit is pain to your core.

Your experience is closer to my daughters, and she just called me crying that she doesn't feel first to anybody. Her Ex abandoned her too, for another woman (her friend).

For me I started noticing a few angels sent to me, like my cat started patting my heartbroken chest, ChamomileTea was my first human angel with her insightful posts, the women in danger I helped then she just hugged me tight and the women with brain cancer who started texting me. I started seeing love.

Currently I am reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

The reason for me to read it is because one of my angels ChamomileTea recommended it! Please read it the book is wonderful.

One of the first things I did was go to comedy shows, the laughter was so healing. Then I wrote a standup for me, maybe someday I will do it.

Much Love ((Devastated))

Organic

PS Can you tell him to go jump in the lake? Those tools are yours now, quite frankly you NEED them, I love fixing stuff once in a while.

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 5:32 AM, Saturday, April 1st]

Devastated

How are you today?

@Devastated, I know exactly what you're going through. When I found out about my WW's sordid smorgasbord of sluttery, I collapsed as a human being. I'm an ex-military officer, and usually most crisis situations wash over me like nothing - but I completely broke. Vomiting, my body wracked with ugly sobbing, no sleep, all of it. At my darkest, I contemplated some very dark outcomes for myself.

But it DOES get better. While I won't forgive for a long time, I actually now pity my ex-WW. She's now with someone else, and she's ruined his family and caused more destruction. She is a hollow human being, and a mere simulacra of the woman I loved. Her world has imploded as the real consequences of her actions have started raining down on her both professionally and personally. I just got back from a refreshing and much-needed holiday!

There is a great quote that has really helped me from a poem called 'The Uses of Sorrow' by Mary Oliver that you may take solace and comfort in: 'Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.'

Oops, double post.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 4:45 AM, Monday, April 3rd]

Thank you everyone. This weekend found me back to sobbing uncontrollably and unable to function. My WS showed up to grab some tools and clothes and it was just a nightmare. Seeing him caused a flood of pain and heartbreak all over again. The dam broke. I was shaking uncontrollably. To make matters worse, just hours before he "showed up", I received a message from an acquaintance who had spoke to the AP. Apparently, my WS and his AP had a good laugh at my expense when I attended the staff Christmas party unaware they were carrying on. There were other tidbits of information about the A that I learned about that just destroyed me. I confronted him with these facts and not only did he admit to them he added his own spin on them. As I lay crumpled in a heap on the floor the night I discovered the A and kicked him out, he ran right to her and spent the night. I also learned he was planning to leave me for her he was just getting his ducks in a row. I never saw the affair coming. I had no idea anything was wrong with our relationship as he hid it well behind his numerous texts during the day to me and the I love yous he sent me all the time during our breaks form work. Now I learn he was going to leave me for her and they had been making plans for months! I admit I wanted to know more facts as I was hoping that it would incite my resentment and anger, but instead, it felt like I was just learning about the A all over again. I have not slept since Friday night.

I spent a lot of time on the phone with the crisis line. I managed to survive the nights. However, I am a zombie now. I am so weak and tired from exhaustion and crying, I am not even stable to stand. I hate myself for being so weak and allowing him to have this affect on me. I am desperately looking for that switch......that switch to top caring......or some sort of switch to just stop feeling.

Posting here keeps the darkest of demons away. But I do fear they are coming for me and I wont be strong enough to fight them.

So so sorry you are feeling this way.

Please know that checking yourself into the hospital IS a viable option if you if don’t feel you can keep yourself safe. I did that the evening of the day I found out. I heard over and over again, "you did the right thing coming here." I stayed two days and I was able to talk to a therapist and a psychiatrist who put me on meds. I just had to … I already had PTSD that I was working on and I just knew my brain couldn’t take anymore without help. And the friend that I went to for help just wasn’t seeing the distress I was in … and she is a therapist! I can’t believe how insensitive people can be when they haven’t experienced infidelity trauma.

But the folks at the hospital didn’t seem at all surprised, which makes me think they have seen it more than once. My husband dropped me off there at my request. He came back into the triage room and when the nurses heard that his infidelity was why I was there, a nurse immedialty stood in between us and firmly said, "step outside sir." They treated me like I was coming in with a beat up face and he was the one who hit me. It was sobering.

What he has done to you is abusive and you DESERVE help and support.

I am desperately looking for that switch......that switch to top caring......or some sort of switch to just stop feeling.

It might not be a "switch", but there is a pretty darned handy tool you can use... reframing.

You're telling yourself that you've lost something wonderful and you're grieving this loss as such. But LOOK at what he did! Look what you wrote. Look at what you've found out about him This guy is demonstrably NOT "wonderful".

Apparently, my WS and his AP had a good laugh at my expense when I attended the staff Christmas party unaware they were carrying on. There were other tidbits of information about the A that I learned about that just destroyed me. I confronted him with these facts and not only did he admit to them he added his own spin on them. As I lay crumpled in a heap on the floor the night I discovered the A and kicked him out, he ran right to her and spent the night. I also learned he was planning to leave me for her he was just getting his ducks in a row. I never saw the affair coming. I had no idea anything was wrong with our relationship as he hid it well behind his numerous texts during the day to me and the I love yous he sent me all the time during our breaks form work. Now I learn he was going to leave me for her and they had been making plans for months!

That's who he is. That's who his AP is. That's the kind of people.. the kind of disordered creeps, they are. No one who could do such a thing deserves a single tear from you. Not a thought, not an iota of nostalgic remembrance. Nothing. Zilch.

Reframing this upheaval in your life to represent FREEDOM from further abuse, LIBERATION from the kind of monster who is capable of dealing out that kind of callous abuse, that kind of casual betrayal?.. that's a celebration, not a loss.

You've had so much adversity and so much misfortune in your life. That sucks. No two ways about it. It does. But you are a human being with the gift of human resilience. This is not something that can be denied to you because you've had some tough things happen in your life. You ARE a human animal, not a bear, bird, or fish. You DO have what it takes to put this shit behind you because that is your birthright. You just have to believe it and know it. You have to reject the catastrophizing which is so easy to embrace when we're traumatized, and reframe your thoughts. It might not be a "switch", but it's a pretty darned handy tool.

((big hugs))

D16, you’ve been heard, my friend. I know you’ve struggled to find and keep the anger that give propel you forward. You have a good heart. So I’ll be angry for you.

I confronted him with these facts…

You didn’t "confront" him with anything because confronting suggests he cares at all. You might as well have confronted him with the fact that he had tacos for lunch. He doesn’t care.

In fact, you fed his ego, because now he knows you care. A lot. You gave him a gift. He feeds on your woe. Why? Who knows what lurks in his heart, but it.is.ugly. Arrgh

He is drinking your tears. You want your tears to cause him pain, to make him want you back. You think your pain is somehow hurting him. Based on what you’ve said, it is having the opposite effect. He is feeding off of it. What a creep.

No idea what is wrong with him, but it doesn’t matter. You imagine he has empathy. He doesn’t. He’s a leech.

The next time he wants something out of your house, throw it in a lake and give him the lat-long coordinates for it. Then he will start sharing your pain.

Look at my profile, the survival skills. The first two…

1. Perceive and Believe

Don’t fall into the deadly trap of denial or of immobilizing fear. Admit it: You’re really in trouble and you’re going to have to get yourself out.

2. Stay Calm – Use Your Anger

In the initial crisis, survivors are not ruled by fear; instead, they make use of it. Their fear often feels like (and turns into) anger, which motivates them and makes them feel sharper.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:52 PM, Monday, April 3rd]