SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi this is my first post here. My partner of 7 months cheated on me 6 weeks ago I found out 5 weeks ago. Our relationship was/ is really good aside from this infidelity, we spent several days together a week, he met my family and friends. I am very affectionate and loving so is he, his always telling me he wants to marry me and loves me, that his never been happier etc.
I found out only because one night I checked his phone, he kept it away for a couple of months and I had asked him why and he said it was to focus on me when we are together. Obviously the truth was he was messaging his ex, but worst of all multiple sxe workers and had booked and seen one on 16th October. As part of us attempting reconciliation he lets me know his whereabouts now, he has counselling with a sex therapist and I’ve just met his parents. My concern is now that I know will it just make him more careful? He lives with his parents his 45 so he has a lot more disposable income than most and it worries me. He is reassuring me a lot that it won’t ever happen again but his made that like a disociated part of him that he says no longer exists. He told me that his only used axe workers twice before this when he was single and his never cheated. But how do I believe this? Like exs he had no change in his behaviour other than hiding his phone, he makes out it’s not an addiction but surely men don’t go and pay for services they get for free with a partner ? Has anyone else been through this? Can he be trusted again? Am I just going to get hurt again? The day he cheated with one was the day I found out I be of my friends had just died it seems very cold to me and that same evening he was messaging me saying how much he loved me and would never cheat or hurt me. I’m ve been cheated on in the past and my dad cheated multiple times on my mum I feel like this is just life now - it makes me sad as I’m not like this I have him 100 percent

Welcome to this club nobody really wants to join, but if you need to then you could hardly be at a better place.
You will get a lot of hard-sounding advice mainly focused on you getting out of this relationship. Heck… I’m going to chime in to that tune too. But first this:

We very often compare infidelity to addictive behavior. We talk about the emotional highs that doing something illicit (and seemingly getting away with it), the emotional verification and all that. But… not too many wayward spouses are true addicts per se. There is some line in-between doing things of an addictive nature and being an addict.
Back in the days I drank a lot. I had to change things in my life and especially my social lifestyle to change that. I now drink moderately and have to decades. Moderately like maybe no beer, wine or booze for weeks or months, never drinking past my limit, never driving while drunk and all that. I can quite easily change my plans to be the designated driver or to quit after one glass of wine with the meal. If I had been an alcoholic (addict) this would be impossible. I would quit once the bottle was empty, and even then start looking for the next one.
Same with wayward spouses. Most of them are not addicts, despite actions that can be addictive. Just like I had a drinking problem but not due to alcoholism. I could change my behaviors, my attitudes and my mind to not have a problem. Just like most wayward people could change their attitudes, behaviors and mindset.

So are his actions due to an addiction?
Possibly.
He could be a sexual addict. It’s still a disputed diagnosis and not yet recognized by the official list of mental illnesses (DSM), but I’m guessing it will be listed eventually. I personally think that it can be an addiction, but I also take addictions VERY seriously and would hate if he was handled like a SA if the underlying reasons for his actions were due to other issues.
Addictions are like allergies – they are permanent. For a lifetime. If he’s an addict we are talking permanent, lifetime treatment. And it’s not pills or injections. It’s constant work like SA meetings, doing 12-Step every 5 years or so, intentional self-improvement, intentional avoiding pit-falls… It’s HARD WORK.

I fear that what happened once alcoholism was finally recognized as an illness rather than a sign of a weak character might happen with the added recognition of SA: It becomes a catch-all excuse for bad decisions.
Like when alcoholism became acknowledged people would flock to AA and rehab and come back telling their spouse that they had beat them physically because of the alcohol, that they had squandered the savings due to alcohol, their bosses that they had embezzled fund due to alcohol… whatever… and NOW that they were HEALED things were OK…
After all – its so much easier to be able to lay the blame at an illness than at your own feet. It’s easier to say "I contacted the ex because I’m ill" rather than "I contacted the ex because that’s what get’s me off and I didn’t think you would find out".

So the short answer… Yes – he COULD have sexual addiction.

But… NEVER diagnose it yourself. If he has SA he needs a verified professional to diagnose him and to lay out an enforceable treatment plan.

But… let’s go back to you…

Why do you say you have an ideal relationship except for this "cheating" stuff?
That’s like saying Dracula is a charming host, except for this draining your blood and killing you stuff…

YOU DON’T HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP!!!!

You really need to reevaluate this man…
There is no shame per se in living with his parents, but why? Why isn’t he renting or why hasn’t he bought an apartment?
What is his financial health like? I have a feeling that the living-with-mom issue is connected to that… That there is about as much financial chaos in his life as there is emotional and relational chaos. Yes – he might have money to spend (on hookers, amongst other things…) if he doesn’t have to pay for what adults generally pay for – food, shelter, utilities…
How long since the divorce? Why divorce? What does his ex say about it? I wouldn’t be surprised if she got tired of his… cheating…
So he’s seeking therapy with a sex therapist but doesn’t acknowledge it’s an addiction? What does he share about the treatment and how is he following up with it?
Know his location? How? It’s easy to leave the phone in the office while getting a BJ from Suzie for 50 bucks at the nearby park… Parking at the gym a block away from ex is convenient for an evening of "fun".
Is having to keep him on a leash THIS EARLY in your relationship the future you want?

I’m not going to say this relationship is doomed, but I seriously want to point out that until he acknowledges he has a problem and works HARD at solving it… you are doomed to repeats. Repeatedly.

Finally… Youd dad cheated… your past relationships had infidelity… Friend – in the best and kindest way… Get professional help. IC or group-therapy or whatever… We are SO DOOMED to repeat or replicate what we have experience of. Children and people from abusive relationships/families are so much more likely to go back into abusive relationships. It’s such a vicious circle and it’s tough to beat. Irrespective of THIS relationship then seek help, because that help can either make you realize this is doomed, or maybe tell you what YOU need to do and see done to make it work.

Finally finally… This early in a relationship… It’s like test-driving that car you always wanted… Purrs along the highway for miles, but then all of a sudden the transmission goes… You could be thinking that the plush leather seats are so great, the stereo so fine, the ride so smooth… MAYBE you should still buy the car despite the wrecked transmission… Heck… I guess your true friends would be dragging you out of the dealership and suggesting other rides.

I’m sorry you had to find us due to infidelity but we will provide the best advice and support here.

I want to focus on a few things that are typical patterns of behavior with cheaters.

They minimize and lie. Those "lies" are typically things like - we didn’t have sex (when they did) all the way to it "only happened once or twice".

I’m a connect the dots person. Is it possible he spends an excessive amount of $ on his sexual activities and that is why he lives at home? He has the disposable income available to spend as he sees fit. I’m not saying this is true - there could be other reasons he lives at home and they could be due to aging or ailing parents etc.

Just something to consider.

IMO this is not something he’s only done twice. This is something he’s done often. And that’s why he hid his phone from you. He has something to hide.

I would run fast from this relationship b/c I think there are some very deep rooted issues. Ask any other person who has lived with a sex addict (or consistent cheater). Many will have stories about slip ups and repeat / recurring episodes of cheating.

He only did this twice is a telling lie IMO. He’s not being honest with you. At a very critical point in your relationship I might add.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:13 PM, Wednesday, November 29th]

Everything is great, except he cheats.

He's having sex with hookers. Even if he uses a condom,oral sex isn't protected. He's exposing you to stds that can kill you,or cause you to be infertile.

You've been with him 7 months. And he's doing this.

Infidelity is a form of extreme abuse.

So..things are great..except He's doing something that could kill you, lying to you,cheating,etc.

Thats the man you're with. The man you thought you were with,doesn't exist.

Thank you for your replies. So his not said his got an addiction and I know the therapist wouldn’t think so as his probably downplayed it all. My gut says it’s more than what his admitted too, his only admitted to what I found.
I hadn’t thought too much about it but it could be a sign ✍️ f why his living with parents. He said it’s because his saving to buy and renting is expensive however I think his been there a long time. His been married twice last time he divorced about 7 years ago ( he said she was cheating and left for another man) first wife he was in his 20’s and they just didn’t get on ( mother of his daughter) he knew all the abbreviations to use when messaging these women to ask for specific things he wanted. So I feel there maybe more to it all. However I hen I say his a good guy otherwise he really is, cooks cleans helps me, very affectionate, helped with my kids and his can see where he is as even before this we had 360 app. I just believed that when he said he was popping out for a takeaway that he really was. He only had 15 min booking so was easy for him. I just wanted ponder if it can be something he won’t do again now I know or if he will do it again and just cover it better? He has a tile on his van keys and on his van so in theory I can see wherever he goes- but I’m not nieve and know he could take the tile off his keys and take cash and get a taxi. I just don’t know what to do. I love him so so much but I don’t want to get hurt again.

I have had a lot of therapy myself and I’m a counsellor so I am very self aware and I still feel clueless about him

I'd talk to his ex wife. I think you'll find out he was cheating on her.

Has he been diagnosed by a certified sexual addiction therapist?

Does a good man constantly lie to you? Does a good man expose you to deadly stds? Does a good man play with your kids, then step out to have a hooker give him oral sex? A good man demonstrates good behavior.

Some like to say a cheater is a good person who does bad things. I think that's nonsense. Especially considering we tell BS here to watch their WS's actions. Actions determine who a person is. And you can't lie, betray, and expose your partner to stds and be a good man. Add in, that many,many prostitutes are either trafficked, or drug addicts, or have such low self esteem because men have taught them they aren't worthy of respect. A good man doesn't take advantage of that.

Many cheaters, when caught,simply get better at hiding it. Look around this forum. You will see many "I'm back" threads.

Remember this..he was fine with what he was doing..until you found out. He wasn't sorry, when you didn't know.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:12 PM, Wednesday, November 29th]

Wait. He's involved with an ex and prostitutes? You'll risk his giving you an incurable STI - not to mention risking repeated episodes of the awful pain of being betrayed - because he's affectionate and helps around the house?

To answer your question: no, you have absolutely no reason to believe a word he says. I expect he can change from cheater to good partner if he does the necessary work, but nothing you have written indicates he's willing to change, especially since you are considering accepting his (worthless) 'promise' not to do this again.

Gently, it looks to me like you're selling yourself out.

Very gently, I wonder if you're co-dependent because you're accepting treatment and words from your BF that most people would not accept. You're a full-fledged member of the human race, and you've hooked up with a man who uses people. You don't have to allow that. I urge you to read Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:46 PM, Wednesday, November 29th]

You may wish to Google a blog post by Lundy Bancroft, "Hiding Behind Sexual Addiction." He states that many people say they're a sex addict so they can blame the disease rather than take ownership of their actions. He also has some questions in the blog post that will help you understand your situation better.

Mr. Bancroft has a book, "Why Does He Do That?" which is about abuse, and not specific to infidelity, and is a good read.

Is it an addiction?

Dear laurauk777, answering this question doesn't change his actions, doesn't change who he's revealed himself to be. Remember what Maya Angelou wisely said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." So, pay attention to his ACTIONS not his words. His actions show he's not concerned about ethical questions inherent in sex trade participation. Women are a commodity to be bought and sold for his ego fortification and personal comfort. His actions show he's okay with lying and dishonesty in personal relationships. He's okay with straight up falsehoods, okay with saying he "would never cheat or hurt me" the same evening he visited a sex worker. He's okay with looking you in the eye and saying he's "popping out for take-out" when he's really keeping an appointment with a sex worker.

IMO, addiction or not - it doesn't matter in the scheme of things. Especially after only 7 months! He's a liar who's shown you who he is early on in the relationship. Time to cut your losses and run! Can he change? Maybe, but not likely unless he is willing to invest long term (could take YEARS) and dig deep to change his actions - to change his way of selfishly looking at the world. And he's gotta want to do this hard work for HIMSELF - not just to placate you. From your description doesn't seem likely he's a strong candidate for change: twice divorced, 45 yr old living at home, prostitute user, liar, etc. etc.

You've known him for only SEVEN months. Sorry to say, IMO seven months is waaaay too soon for someone to say "he wants to marry me and loves me, has never been happier." Love bombing this intense so early in a relationship is not typical "getting to know you" behavior. It's something to pay attention to - a potential red flag - not necessarily something to celebrate. Your gut told you to check his phone because his secretive behaviors - his ACTIONS - belied his sweet love bombing words. What does your gut say NOW? It served you well so far. Your gut told you to question the relationship! So, you're here asking whether you can ever trust him; if you can believe his words. MY gut tells ME there's probably more he's hiding.

SI consensus is NO you shouldn't trust him. Please keep posting! Reading SI commentary can feel harsh. Don't let that scare you away. We hope visiting here will help sort through best choices for you AND your kids. As a responsible parent you must consider how his poor example and his cavalier treatment of their mother impacts them.

You were the victim of infidelity in past relationships. You're the child of a serial cheater. You bear the scars of infidelity. Yet here you are, seriously considering staying in this demeaning situation. As a counselor you know FOO patterns can be difficult to change. Is partnership with someone who behaves this way really a FOO pattern to replicate - is voluntarily enmeshing your life with a KNOWN lying cheater the life you want for you AND your kids? After months of stress and anxiety (even before you outed him your gut told you something was way off) do you want to head further down this painful path with someone you DON'T REALLY KNOW? Do you really want to commit to a relationship where you feel compelled to monitor his whereabouts and check his phone? Seven months in you're just beginning to scratch the surface. So far, you're right to not trust him - red flags are a-flapping. Can he ever be a safe partner? Do you really want to stick around to find out - and gamble with the safety and happiness of you AND the kids?

(edited for clarity)

Another great resource - google "The Secret Sexual Basement" by Dr. Omar Minwalla and his white paper on deceptive sexuality will pop up.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 3:42 PM, Friday, December 1st]

I don't believe for a second that he only started cheating on you 6 weeks ago. Men don't just start up a hooker habit out of the blue; it's far more likely that at the same time he was romancing you, he was prowling for sex on the side.
You've only been with him for 7 months, which means that you're only just starting to scratch the surface of who he is as a person and what you've found is that he's a habitual liar who has no compunction about exploiting women. The longer you stay with him, the worse it will get, and you will have a harder time extricating yourself because you will have succumbed to sunk costs fallacy.

As a counselor, you must be cognizant of the fact that, on some level, you're reenacting your parents relationship in the hopes that you could "fix" this man in a way that your mother was unable to "fix" your serially cheating father. I think this is also why you're clinging to the idea that he has an addiction; after all, a sickness is something that could be cured or managed... but a character defect is permanent.

There are probably a million other red flags that you haven't been able to see or have been willing to overlook because you're wearing rose-colored glasses. There are 2 blazing red flags just in this post. The first is that he's been divorced twice, so he either has piss-poor judgement or has been a serial cheater/crappy partner his whole life (probably both). The second is that he still lives with his parents at 45. To be fair, for some people, that might be necessary if they just lost their job, are newly divorced, or need to care for a sick, elderly parent but the fact that he is using his considerable disposable income to hire hookers instead of living in his own place or contributing to his parents' household expenses speaks volumes about his piss-poor priorities, lack of ethics, and his willingness to use people in order fulfill his own selfish desires.

I know that, based on your childhood and your recent relationship history, you think that all men are scumbags, but trust us... they're not. You could throw a rock on a crowded street and hit someone who would be a better partner to you than this piece of shit.

on some level, you're reenacting your parents relationship in the hopes that you could "fix" this man in a way that your mother was unable to "fix" your serially cheating father. I think this is also why you're clinging to the idea that he has an addiction; after all, a sickness is something that could be cured or managed... but a character defect is permanent.

It's amazing how we reenact these senarios even at a subconscious level. Honestly I would run for the hills especially since it's only been 7 months and he's not only been talking to an ex but has seen a sex worker. Good people do not do this to the person they love. I'm not sure if it's sex addiction or just run of the mill cheater who needs validation or extra on the side, but to experience this now is a HUGE red flag for what is probably going to come down the line. There are better people out there that do not want to lie or expose the person they love to STDs.

What should be your honeymoon period of the relationship is now tainted and you will always have this in the fabric of your relationship. Trust is gone. There are no assets shared, marriage or children and it only gets worse with those elements added. I wouldn't want a "fixer upper" of a man this early in the relationship.

Thank you - it’s hard reading these comments. I am a bit co dependant emotionally on him. I also agree that I am probably trying to re write history with my parents,