SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We were in a limbo phase, she was like a live in gf that I wasn't ready to marry.

I can relate to that. It feels strange for me given that I wouldn’t have intentionally entered that arrangement.

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I absolutely still love her. There is no question in my mind that we need to spend this time focused on ourselves, our own healing, managing our own emotions. I don’t know how much separation from her I need to do that. And if it’s hard 180, I’m going to struggle, I can already see that.

Always keep in mind we are strangers on the internet (not that you forget) but I think it’s worth challenging to decide how to move forward, in IHS, not in IHS, etc. if you are doing full on IHS I think it’s important to have specific goals and an idea in mind about what interaction looks like. If you are going to keep reconciling while in ihs , it’s just not in my wheelhouse of experience to have that not come with hard boundaries. But when we did it we were going for divorce. I will just reiterate I think it might be helpful for you two to navigate that with a professional so there are clear expectations on both sides of what it should look like, what the goals are, how to measure progress,etc. Most of my words were assuming you went on a walk with her this morning and it didn’t go as well as the last one.

I do know that someone with your wife’s background is going to need to have emotional safety in order to advance your physical relationship so if you are expecting that while doing IHS that may be counterproductive. But I don’t know, it’s hard for us to have more than a glimpse of your situation through only one party’s eyes. I think weigh it all and see what you come up with because I assure you even though things feel unclear you have far more data than we do.

I only know what she has done so far is not enough because you feel that way. And that feeling is valid and clear in how you talk about it. She is stuck in needing you to give validation so she can be vulnerable and you are needing her to be independent and authentic in her advances towards you. So it’s either go hard 180 with maybe some reasonable check in intervals (I would definitely consider doing that with a professional) or what is the goal in IHS? Maybe you just need a break? And so take one.

Well, I should have also said that I feel like I have healed the trauma from both. In fact seeing the correlation was a big aha moment towards that end.

Thanks for the hope. At this point it seems like it just has to be assumed that any trauma that is impacting our lives cannot be passively accepted, active attempts to heal are required for both partners.

That seemed like an unusually vulnerable post. Thank you for sharing that, and know that I don’t think poorly of you at all.

I can relate to that. It feels strange for me given that I wouldn’t have intentionally entered that arrangement.

It’s the convergence of reality and WTF? I did notice that her lack of effort had to do a lot with her frozen in fear. She was afraid to do or say the wrong thing. It was something we had to work through.

I did notice that her lack of effort had to do a lot with her frozen in fear. She was afraid to do or say the wrong thing.

100% happening here. I can try to tame my reactions to less than perfection, but it seems like the burden is mostly on her to show up. That’s how I see it anyway.

I’m sorry if I missed it, but are you leaning towards R or are you waiting to observe?

I was "in R" but not really "all in", like I said she was a live in gf. She was very avoidant of addressing the A or checking on me. It was because I would get triggered and let her have it. She would ask "what can I do?" I would tell her "unless you can un-fuck him, there’s nothing you can do". Well that wasn’t very productive for me wanting her to be involved. I had to let her in, I had to let a wall down and deal with my anger.

I think what I’m in right now is: let’s both do intensive EMDR while living together and co-parenting to see if we still have a shot in a few months of healing, and maybe we can try to not hate each other while we do it.

Tanner
Do I remember these three thing right about your story:

1) you have a son with autism, so obviously a lot of responsibility and need to pull together or at least cooperate to manage that well.
2) after d day one of your parents had a health issue and your fww stepped up.
3) when the fog lifted it was immediately apparent to you, and she seemed to be herself again, rather than some imposter.

Sorry if I’m adding bits from other stories.

Tanner
Do I remember these three thing right about your story:

1) you have a son with autism, so obviously a lot of responsibility and need to pull together or at least cooperate to manage that well.
2) after d day one of your parents had a health issue and your fww stepped up.
3) when the fog lifted it was immediately apparent to you, and she seemed to be herself again, rather than some imposter.

Sorry if I’m adding bits from other stories.

That is correct. When she came out of her Wayard mindset I saw the W I had known her to be. I didn’t believe what I was seeing for a while but she stepped up big when my Dad was dying.

4.5 years later she has been solid in R, not perfect, but meeting and exceeding expectations.

Given that you don’t have PM available, I’m going to use this medium to send a message: OnTheOtherSideOfHell, I’m not sure how you are feeling about this place right now, but I want you to know that you have been absolutely invaluable to me and I deeply appreciate you. I hope you are well today.

Thank you Inkhulk. I am not sure why my PM’s weren’t working🤷‍♀️. The mods found them. 🤪 anyways, I sent you one.