SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Has anyone ever set a trap for their WS to see if they are truly healing/healed and a safe partner? If so how did you do it?

I could see if there had been multiple false reconciliations or sketchy behavior, but aren't you four years into a very healthy reconciliation with a model WS??? Why would this be needed, and how can it possibly be good for your R?

If you are never going to be able to trust him again no matter how well he behaves, maybe this was a dealbreaker? I'm not sure living this way is healthy for either of you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:30 AM, Friday, January 19th]

Owningitnow

I do know it was a dealbreaker. I keep trying to make a new deal but my heart and head aren’t allowing me too.

I am not saying I would do it- I am not saying it is necessary. I just asked a question.

I am unsure why some BS’s don’t understand that even with model behavior and true change whatever snapped before can snap again. It’s that realization that has its grip around my heart.

Some of the BS’s in this forum make me feel alone in my experience. I don’t know how I will ever feel safe again with ANYONE…. So I stay because I certainly won’t trust the next guy…. if the world and this affair has taught me anything it’s that you cannot trust people.

Are there any BS who read that after years of successful reconciliation the WS strikes again and messes up? There are several BS who respond only to poke holes through what the FWH’s of members are saying and doing? This place can be somewhat disconcerting.

I am not sure if you are being sarcastic when you ask "4 years of healthy reconciliation with a model FWH?" It’s actually very very frustrating to continue to defend my husband while trying to get help from the group. Is it hard to fathom that the affair broke something inside me and I can’t trust the good? Please tell me I’m not alone in this.

Am I alone in seeing the effort but still not trusting anything?

Even if you’re on a far end of the spectrum-or even alone- in terms of how this is impacting you and your ability to trust, that’s ok. Your experience is your experience.

A lot of what you say I understand (and we’re about the same time out from Dday, with husbands who want reconciliation and are working hard at it), but I do think you’re having a harder time than me with trust. But I know what it’s like to feel like an outlier in healing. My husband’s affair changed my personality and perspective, and I feel like it’s permanent. I feel like there’s kind of a grey tint over everything; a faint sadness at my core. For awhile it was something that bothered me and that I sought to heal or get rid of; now I’ve kind of accepted it as my normal resting state. I think a lot of it is that my early life was very hard. My marriage was a space that allowed me to heal from that. When the affair broke my marriage, it was a loss and a blow I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from. Ending the marriage wouldn’t change that; we’re still more and better together than I would be separately. And I have less than zero interest in finding another relationship. If our marriage ultimately doesn’t survive, I’m quite confident I’ll live out the rest of my days alone.

That said, even as you learn to live with the way the affair has changed you, I think it’s worth the work to figure out what peace and happiness look like for you in your post affair life. And it’s important to be open to the possibility that maybe down the road you’ll feel more trusting than you do now. That’s what I try to do with my sadness. I accept it, but don’t indulge it. I look for beauty in the world, and I do things each day that make me happy or feel positive in some way.

Whatever works for you, I do hope you find your way toward peace and happiness in your post betrayal world. I hope we all do.

I’m sorry you’re still struggling with this.

From my perspective I believe that you cannot truly reconcile until you actively heal. You can work on reconciliation but without healing your wounds you will be unable to truly reconcile, at least not to my definition of reconciliation.

I think what OIN was trying to point out was that setting up traps does not form part of what true reconciliation looks like. Not because you think he’d fail, but because you reach a point where you’ve healed enough to understand that relationships ALWAYS posed the risk of heartbreak. That loving and risking having your heart broken, often time and time again, is what life is about. You risk your heart each time you love, be it a man, your parents, your siblings, your children, your pets. You could lose them and have your heart broken to pieces in very similar ways (when it comes to children, in excruciating ways) and yet you still CHOOSE to love.

For me that is what healing looks like: knowing that my heart may be broken again but knowing I now have the tools to get up and dust myself off better than the last time.

I see that you're struggling, but a trap won't help you. After all, if he dodges one trap, you can't know if he'll dodge the next one, one you don't know about.

Some of the BS’s in this forum make me feel alone in my experience.

I'm really sorry you feel alone. I urge you to look for the similarities you have with other BSes as well as the differences - and celebrate both.

I don’t know how I will ever feel safe again with ANYONE….

IMO, anyone can cheat. If 'not cheating' is your measure of safety, you're totally right - there's no safety except being alone ... but most of us like being with others at least some of the time, so being alone has its downsides.

Most of us who heal adopt a belief that we are safe because of our strengths. We're safe because we're resilient and know how to heal. Does that help you at all?

What do you really need to feel safe?

Again, I'm sorry you are struggling.

What are you thinking when you say "set a trap"? Will it involve you being a liar, being deceptive?

I started down this rathole a long time ago. Created a Facebook account in the AP’s name with the idea of sending her messages to see if she responded. Had a moment looking at myself in the mirror, and deleted it all. I understand the urge, what would it have done to me? Who would I have become?

Tests are ok. Tests are good. They will come naturally. I deployed for a year in the military. It was a test that strengthened our marriage. Look for tests, not traps.

JMHO!

For me, I don’t need 100 percent trust in my husband to still love him and be reconciled. I believe he has changed, I don’t think he will cheat again, and I will be sad if he chooses to. I know he has before. I compare it to living with a longtime sober alcoholic. Will he drink again? Well, it’s been years so I don’t think so, yet I’d never rule out the possibility. I guess I could leave him and avoid any fear he may cheat, but that would hurt too and I’d never have 100 percent trust in another man if I had any desire to meet one. I don’t want to cause myself pain just to avoid the potential of pain in the future. Every choice we make in life is a risk. As far as a "trap" goes, I don’t think him passing it would give me any reassurance anyways. And, it’s quite deceitful. I don’t want to become the lying sneak he once was and has worked hard to no longer be.

Yes, I've set a trap and I was thrilled with the results.

I get that most people will tell you this goes against healing, and tricking him is bad for a healthy marriage. But I don't buy into that. I have been duped many times by this man and I don't wish to continue being duped, so if I need to test him for some peace of mind, then so be it. We didn't ask for this; we trusted completely; we got shit on for our trust; and now we have to "trust but verify."

[This message edited by Revenger at 8:01 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

I agree with revenger on this.

I can't buy into the idea that you setting a trap, makes you deceptive - your motives are understandable and completely justified.

Everyone says that actions have to match words, but how can you prove a negative?

If you feel that setting a trap of some kind is going to contribute towards your healing, then I really do think that's ok. However, maybe consider whether this would actually put your mind at rest long term?

I have wanted to do similar myself, but my husband came off social media and there's just no believable way set a trap of any kind. Not even something from the AP, because I know he would freak out and tell me if she contacted him.

As Revenger said, I believe that my husband would be overjoyed if he were given the chance to prove his honesty. And I think if I were in his shoes, I'd feel the same. I would want anything, just to demonstrate my actions.

Only you know your husband and how R is going. Would this be something he might actually be grateful for?

What good would setting a trap do? What are you looking to achieve?

Let's take the email another poster sent as an example. Say you send the email and he doesn't reply and doesn't say anything. What does that mean? It could be that he hasn't seen it as it has gone to junk mail, he may not have accessed his emails, he may assume its junk or he deletes it with or without reading it thinking its been 4 years. None of these actions signal betrayal but because he wouldn't have come to you it would add to your fear.

No one should live a life setting traps for their partner. You are not healed and this is not a healthy relationship if you are at this point. you are not alone in feeling this way but no good will come from this route. You need to deal with the trauma you are still carrying.

For the record, I absolutely considered trying to test my spouse at various points in time. But I realized that even if I did it and he passed the test, much like Revenger's spouse did, it doesn't prove to me that he will ALWAYS do that - under all circumstances. After all, he'd had many opportunities to cheat before the AP and never taken them. Which leads me to this....

I am unsure why some BS’s don’t understand that even with model behavior and true change whatever snapped before can snap again.

Can't answer this for everyone, but I ABSOLUTELY understand this. If there is one thing I have learned through this, it is that I can't control anyone but myself. I am happy in R, but I know that it could happen again. The only comfort I have now is that I will be okay - sad and angry as hell, no doubt - but okay, if it does.

I don’t know how I will ever feel safe again with ANYONE…. So I stay because I certainly won’t trust the next guy…. if the world and this affair has taught me anything it’s that you cannot trust people.

You not being able to feel safe with ANYONE, is not about him, it's about you and your trauma. I'm not trying to make you feel like and outlier or alone in your experience when I say this, but if you truly feel this way (that you cannot trust anyone regardless), then your test is pointless. If it's going to solve something, then sure, try. But before you do, ask yourself, if he passes, will it make you trust him? If he fails, then I assume you will be justified in your decision NOT to trust him, but will it change your behaviour and motivate you to leave?

. It was a test that strengthened our marriage. Look for tests, not traps.

This is great advice. I love this framing.

You are not weird or alone howcanthappen.

But your focus is very external, on your husband specifically. The thing about external things is we can’t control them.

We can only control our response, and with the trauma of infidelity our brain constantly wants to scan for dangers. It’s in a highly protective mode for you.

In order to find a way to be in the marriage, if that is what you want is to learn to manage those feelings and instincts inside yourself. To learn to manage and self soothe. It’s a long journey for most.

I don’t want to further ostracize you by asking- have you tried therapy? For some people suggesting that is insulting because there is a stigma in their minds surrounding it. But they can provide you with tools on challenging your thoughts and reactions so that you can find peace of mind.

You may find that you can have it and stay in the marriage. You may also find that to get it you need to end the marriage. But therapy was something crucial for me when I was the ws, and when I became a bs. I found peace and I truly hope that for you too.

Thank you all. I appreciate every response.

To add: I don't feel that setting a trap is crossing the line when using VARs and surprising waywards with lie detector tests are heavily promoted as ways to make the betrayed feel "safe."

If, in a normal relationship, one partner committed wiretapping and forced their partner to prove their worthiness through a lie detector, that partner would be considered controlling and abusive, right? But not when it comes to infidelity, because there are now extenuating circumstances.

I feel all of these things--set-ups, lie detectors, VARs--fall within the same bucket of seeing if it's possible to trust your WS again. I came up with the idea to test mine on a whim while reading through this forum and seeing the stories of people who were back after years or decades because an AP reached out to their WS on social media and an A started back up again. I thought, why wait? If, by this point, my WH hasn't sincerely changed, then it's time for me to move on. If he has, then it's great for our M.

And... it was great for our M.

ETA: For the record, I tested him almost two years ago and have never had the desire to test him again. So the doomsday mentality that doing it once means it's going to take over your life is just a theory that for most won't apply.

[This message edited by Revenger at 10:51 PM, Friday, January 19th]

Everyone says that actions have to match words, but how can you prove a negative?

But as everyone pointed out, should the WS pass the test, it doesn’t prove they’ll never cheat again. They may have passed at that point in time but the risk remains, they’ve done it before haven’t they?

My WH was a reliable, trustworthy, loving and dedicated husband and father before his affair. I’ve seen women massaging his ego in front of me and behind my back and it meant nothing to him.

And yet in IC he discovered that the perfect storm situation had happened, the stars aligned at that point in time (I won’t go into the details of it but I have met his IC before they concluded their sessions and she showed me all the whys and the perfect storm diagram they have created through the sessions) and he became open to an affair and engaged into one. He didn’t go searching for it, he took the opportunity.

So should I test him now by setting up a trap what would it demonstrate?

That he can say no to the former AP? That I know because they hate each other’s guts. In fact ow hates ME so much that, should he reach out for any reason, she’d happily provide all the evidence and rejoice in my misery.

That he can, now, at this point in time, refuse an affair with a new AP? But what if the perfect storm happens again?

What is the solution? To set traps regularly?

I have said this before on this forum: one thing that I have struggled with a lot post dday was the concept of preventing my spouse from having an affair. Of being MY responsibility to keep an eye on him. I did the usual for a very long time: checked phone, monitored location, checked social media, you name it, I’ve done it. I remember once emptying his car, with his help, he even suggested additional places to look, in order to check for a burner phone. I placed VARs in his car for months on end. It was normal, it helped me deal with my PTSD. The more I did it though, the more depressed I got, I hadn’t signed up to spend my life controlling a man to ensure he understood loyalty and faithfulness.

I felt trapped myself, I didn’t want to divorce a genuinely remorseful WS, I believe in redemption, I wanted to give him this chance but I also wanted to feel safe in my relationship. Safe when I go out somewhere without wondering if WH is texting another woman, safe to go to work without wondering if WH in turn is having lunch with another woman. To be able to function again.

No matter how much effort he put in to show me he was accountable (to this day he has yet to miss a call from me) and a changed man, it didn’t make a difference, I could not feel safe. I was exhausted and tired of all my intrusive thoughts, of constantly wondering what he was up to.

And then I realised (in IC) that in order to feel safe in any relationship again, I had to provide reassurance from within. To know that if this ever happens to me again I can stand on my own two feet, no matter how painful it will be, and know that I’ve done nothing wrong and move on on my own. That took a lot of IC for me. I still remember my IC working hard to separate me from the concept of "we" and make me focus on ME.

I now, 6 years later, have built a successful career meaning that I feel safe financially. He can leave, I can maintain the same lifestyle. Ive worked hard to (re)discover who I am besides WH’s wife and my kids’ mother. I have hobbies, friends, my life is pretty cool. I exercise and feel good about myself. I don’t monitor devices and locations although I maintain access to it, and I’m even going away with my daughter on a week holiday soon and WH will be home alone (I went away alone before but used my daughter as reassurance that he can’t do anything without her). I’m so excited and I’m looking forward to it. I don’t believe he will cheat but if he does that’s on him, I’ll hurt pretty badly but I’ll be ok.

I am sorry you all are hurting, I do know how horrible this is. I am writing all this as I hope my experience can help someone. If you would have seen me 3-4-5 years ago you would have thought that this was going to be the end of me, the end of my life and that I’ll never be happy again. But I worked hard to heal my wounds and if I was able to do that, everyone is.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 1:50 PM, Saturday, January 20th]

I believe you have mentioned some MC with your H, but have you done IC, Howcthappen?

The WS has to do their work, but the BS also has to do their own work. Which you are doing when you post here, and posting for support is a good thing. But what if is not enough?

My mom, who is a very narcissistic person, has always had a lot of physical complaints. If I am not careful and forget who I am talking to, I will ask her, "Well, have you made a doctor's appointment for it?" And she will say, "Oh, no. What do they know? That won't help." And so, she never feels better.

Some things require professional help. We can continue to try to manage on our own, but if we're not feeling better after a long time, we need professional help. If you have done IC, then you need a different IC because as Luna10 is saying, feeling safe is an inside job.

You have said several times that nothing your H does or says seems to help, that you know you will always feel this way. I disagree. There are ways to feel better, ways to reframe and retrain our brains to see things, notice things, focus on things that make us feel better. We all live life in our own heads. We all filter things through our own perceptions. I think your filters could really benefit from time with a good IC. For your own happiness and joy, nobody else's. This is not about forgiving the evil or lying to ourselves, it's about taking care of our own peace and mental health. We all deserve peace. And I don't think setting traps accomplishes that.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:39 PM, Saturday, January 20th]

A WS goes to IC to learn why they are not a safe partner and to fix it. The BS goes to IC to (almost?) learn not to care if their WS is a safe partner or not...because they know they will be fine.

IC teaches you to give up the illusion that we have control in our lives and to get comfortable with uncertainty in this world. They teach you to get comfortable with the worst possible outcomes. How? By teaching you to trust and soothe yourself with the belief in your own capabilities--to overcome and thrive no matter what happens.

You need to get comfortable with the idea of "if he is cheating, then he's cheating. Oh, well. Then I'm out of here." No anxiety attack. No pounding heart. No bubbling fury. No tears. Just 'oh, well.' Because that is the truth of it for all of us--for every last human being, married or just dating, young or old. We have no control over what another human chooses. All we control is our reaction and ability to handle it. And to go on.

By the way, this is how IC works with all trauma victims. They cannot promise them that bad things will never happen again, but they can teach them to believe that they will be able to handle it and will be ok. I can't decide if you are more hurt, like taking this personally (it does not sound like it) or angry, like, "How DARE you do this to me!" Or a combination. But either way, IC will teach you to accept that people are flawed. All of them. And they will hurt you and anger you. And there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing. Except build yourself to be strong and prepared to handle whatever may come.

Good luck. It's hard work but so worth it.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:56 PM, Saturday, January 20th]

I wouldn’t do it. I get what you’re feeling, but honestly, if you don’t trust him that much, maybe he’s not worth recovering with. I mean, I’m almost 3 years post DDay and my WW hasn’t really even done any of "the work". My gut says she’s not cheating and that she won’t cheat again. That being said, I have an innate built in lack of trust with her. It’s something I have to, and am, working on. Things would be considerably better if she would show me "some work", but it’s something she struggles with initiating. I think your time would be better spent in IC working on how to live a less worrisome life. If you still have concerns that your spouse may cheat, then spell it out that if it ever happens again then hell will be unleashed. Just work on yourself and let the cards fall where they may.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 6:18 PM, Saturday, January 20th]

I agree that there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent my WH from cheating again - no amount of checking his phone or his location will stop him. With a will there's a way, as I always say.

I don't believe my WH will cheat again, but I am by no means certain. As Luna states, should the stars align again in the future, who knows? But I do know that if he did, there would be no hesitation and I would leave without question. I'm not sure how I would feel if he did - again I suppose it depends on where I am in life (I could be suffering ill health for example), but I know without question there would not be a second chance.

I suppose I look at the idea of setting a trap as backing up ones words. For example, my WH use to message female colleagues and friends, just general chit chat and then delete messages. Not because the content was inappropriate, but because previous relationsips had "taught him" if he speaks to a woman, its wrong. And therefore it was easier for him to hide communication then have a discussion about it. This obviously says a lot about the way he handled our relationship ever pre-A.

Anyway, part of our agreement for R, is that should he receive any communication from any old female friends or colleagues, that he informs me straight away. And he does not delete any conversations. However, he deleted social media (by his own choice), very early on after Dday. Not many people really have his mobile number, and so there is not much opportunity for any old these old female friends and colleagues to contact him. Three people have been in touch with him since dday - 2 of these he stuck to his word, he told me straight away and didn't delete anything. However, very early on in R, the other one, he partially failed in our agreement. He didn't delete anything, but it took him a week to tell me!

When I say you can't prove a negative, I mean that while he promises he would do XYZ, he can never prove that if the opportunity never presents itself. I would like, especially at this point in R, to see him sticking to his word in R. These small things would make a big difference to me rebuilding some trust in him.

But I agree, that if one were to set an actual "opportunity to cheat" trap - whilst they might pass the first time, you can't know if they would the second/third/fourth time.

I hope this makes sense. I am watching the kids at swimming, and I am slowly par-boiling 🥵