SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HF, you continue to deconstruct your carefully crafted image. I do appreciate the opportunity to know you more fully. I will now be forever picturing you in a nice dress as you throw those haymakers, and it’s all your fault.

Thank you to all for your self care ideas. I do need to balance that, feeling my feels about all this, and taking enough action to keep progress going.

#itstricky

I had wondered: "what will it take for WW to wake up and make the effort".
Will this be the decision that motivates her and gets her out of this "foggy state" that she's been in?
I hope so.
Yet my concern is that you may find her transformation in attitude and effort to be too little too late.

I very much did not ask for a divorce to try to illicit a change from her. I did it because trust is ashes now and I believe there is no path for us. She has burned it all down both with her A and her actions after, and she seemed to think we were making progress. She has asked me to reconsider, that it takes 2-5 years and maybe this is the dark before the dawn. But she doesn’t realize the clock doesn’t start until the lies are done and she’s actually done with the waywardness. She has shown anger multiple times now when I’ve turned down her desires to keep trying. That itself speaks volumes to me. I think she has burned it all the way down with me. I’m not looking for anything from her now other than a clean divorce. And I’ll be surprised if I get it.

Still praying for you and the family,

Thank you, please keep them coming. I need strength and conviction, my kids are going to need comfort. Pray for her too, I just don’t know what she needs as much.

Ink, my mother really struggled with the choice to divorce. Probably for about 5 years longer than she should have. There was a lot of damage done to us kids during that time, even though we had no clue what was going on. Our house was a toxic cesspool with an unrepentant alcoholic rug sweeping father and a justifiably angry mother. We did not see fighting, we rarely even saw him drunk (he just didn't come home and we thought he was working) but you could have cut the tension with a knife. It was like we lived under a huge dark cloud of doom, waiting for the bomb to drop.

When she finally pulled the plug, it was the best thing she could have ever done. Even though she had money struggles because dear old dad spent it all on booze and hadn't been paying bills, and then became a deadbeat dad who rarely paid child support. EVERYTHING got better. She became happy, she became more involved in our lives. We learned how to stand up for ourselves through her example. My mom is my hero, she handled it all with grace and style, she did not hold on to bitterness, but she rose above it all.

You would be surprised about what kids can absorb even when we think they don't know things. And you would be surprised at how much your emotional wellbeing and happiness mean to them.

I haven't posted on your threads I don't think, but I have read them. You have been strong and full of grace and patience, and that is absolutely commendable.

You have given it your all, and I understand how difficult it is to pull that plug, but your kids deserve to have a happy emotionally balanced dad. Hopefully she gets herself together enough for your kids, but YOU have done all you can, given it a good fight.

Please give yourself kindness and self love, because you deserve it.

On your entire journey to try and R, it looks like your WW had never gotten into her head that she had to earn a chance at R.

She never understood the concept that R is not a given, but a gift.

She seemed to have the idea that she does not have to do serious work on herself to earn that chance, and because of that, you are where you are at now.

From what I’ve read about Mrs. IH, I don’t have any idea who this woman is and what makes her tick. Any advice I gave was strictly boilerplate for dealing with the average WS. Mrs. IH is not that. I don’t recall, is she in IC? If not this woman needs that. IMO. But no longer your problem. My desire is for the both of you to find contentment soon.

Ink, just this last Sunday during my IC session, we were discussing the possibility of D and moving on. She asked me if I realized that taking that step and moving forward with it would cause as much if not more pain than discovery of the A itself. I acknowledged that I understood that but as I’ve gained inner strength in myself, I know I can get through this. The knowledge that at the end of D, we can be free to move on and lose that feeling of continued pain and suffering would mean that I could surely endure that burst of pain vs the continued suffering we seem to go through during a failing R. I feel for you my brother but I get what you are feeling as I feel like I’m shadowing you on this journey. My WW also thinks things are getting better, but she still can’t grasp the damage she’s caused nor the need to be open, honest, and dedicated to full commitment to R. Whenever you post I feel like you are reading my mind Ink, and the journey you are embarking on scares the hell out of me. Kudos to you for having the strength to follow through. You’ve got this and you deserve to be happy after the effort you’ve put in. Still want to grab that cold one with ya some day brother!

Ink,

I went hard 180, told fWW to file for D which she did, although I could have too. As time went on, roughly 3 months, it gave her time to reflect on what life was likely to be post D, what it could be in R and it helped her come to her senses as her fog lifted and she compared the outcomes.

That's in my case, which is different to yours, we also have kids. You have to do what's right for you and from what I've read you've run out of road for now, plan for the best but prepare for the worst. I wish you a positive outcome and to find peace of mind.

Be well
Salty

She asked me if I realized that taking that step and moving forward with it would cause as much if not more pain than discovery of the A itself.

I have not experienced ANYTHING like the pain of the betrayal in the asking for D. I’d be interested to hear others experience in this. I feel fear and some element of doubt, but I do have a sense of clarity of purpose and a sad hope of getting to a place of safety that I had hoped I’d never need. Maybe there will be pain coming in the future, but I do not believe it will be worth speaking of in the same breath as the betrayal trauma.

My WW also thinks things are getting better, but she still can’t grasp the damage she’s caused nor the need to be open, honest, and dedicated to full commitment to R.

Another reason I feel like I have no viable other option than D is that we still don’t fucking talk. We don’t talk about the affair, we don’t talk about life, we are not developing a deep connection. I talk about all this stuff on here, putting my deepest thoughts out to you all instead of her. I had been giving that time to change, but it hasn’t. If that had been in place maybe I could have found some hope again. But it’s all shit and not what I want, who would? It’s been very helpful to me to hear other people’s accounts of their relationships, their emotional connection and their sexual connection. Not so I can compare and be jealous, but just so I can hear that what I’ve always longed for isn’t a pipe dream that I made up from movies.

🍻

It was like we lived under a huge dark cloud of doom, waiting for the bomb to drop.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I know the last two years has been shitty for my kids, but it’s never been clear to me how to choose on their behalf. I still believe that if my wife and I could have had a loving successful R, that would have been the best for them. But now that I don’t believe that is possible, bringing stability to their lives is important, even if it stabilizes on something I never wanted for them. I sure as fuck never wanted the toxicity of the last two years either.

What does attempted communication look like with you two? Did you ask her how her day went and she answered fine. During reconciliation from your description I picture you trying to talk and she giving little in the way of response. Is that accurate?
Not that it matters now but you never described your interactions with much detail. Not a criticism just on observation and part of why I could not get an understanding of who she is.

Well, I will notice this. I do think @InkHulk has come on here several times over the past 2 years and have said that 'this time', his WW had 'turned a corner--really'. (with it really seeming that no it just seems like the same ol' same ol' again and again)

Which is absolutely understandable. I think there is a tendency when we want something so bad (such as our friend InkHulk wanting R) to be optimistic, perhaps unrealistically so. Maybe the point of posting is third-party analysis that helps keep it real.

I really do think InkHulk needs to get a D, because his WW doesn't even seem capable of truly loving him. That she is angry that InkHulk has decided that R would not work--after all the pain she inflicted upon him DURING her affair and then AFTER her affair, makes me think that she doesn't really "see" him for him, as a human being with his own wants needs and desires. He is appearing in her eyes, just someone to provide her a marriage and a lifestyle 'no matter what' and whom she uses as her emotional punching bag from time to time. And he deserves so much better. Which is why I have been pushing him to D, since pretty much right from the beginning.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 12:47 AM, Wednesday, March 27th]

Have you communicated your plan to D with your wife then Ink? How did it go? Do the kids know? How are they doing?

I didn’t mean to imply that I thought D was a mistake. I don’t. I believe IH when he says that she is not doing enough. I’m just used to BS describing conversations however meager they are so I get a sense of the WS. I never got that here. But like you said, this is for IH, not for me. I hope this can be over quickly so IH can start to heal. He deserves that.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I know the last two years has been shitty for my kids, but it’s never been clear to me how to choose on their behalf. I still believe that if my wife and I could have had a loving successful R, that would have been the best for them. But now that I don’t believe that is possible, bringing stability to their lives is important, even if it stabilizes on something I never wanted for them. I sure as fuck never wanted the toxicity of the last two years either.

You have done everything you could, and there is no fault in trying your hardest to make it work. Now you've had to make the tough choice with your kids always at the top of your mind, which is exactly what you've done. I do hope you are proud of how hard you worked, even if it wasn't what you wanted in the end.

IH, I cheated on my ex-W a few times. She was pretty hurt and devastated. She divorced me. I was sad. But, I was not devastated. She did the best thing for us with the divorce. There was no coming back from my cheating.

Wanted to add. We did not have kids or very much in the way of joint assets. So, the divorce was pretty simple in that regard. Much different when kids and/or investments are in the mix. I think you will find happiness after in one way or the other.

On your entire journey to try and R, it looks like your WW had never gotten into her head that she had to earn a chance at R.

She never understood the concept that R is not a given, but a gift.

I think this is true. I think she has a simplistic view on forgiveness, that it is required and easy and if it doesn’t come then it’s a sign that there is something wrong with the victim. I believe that to her, for her to think she needed to earn a chance with me would be a laughable idea. And I think that comes from an overly simplistic take on religious beliefs and a sense that she herself is the true victim in the larger scheme of our relationship.

She seemed to have the idea that she does not have to do serious work on herself to earn that chance, and because of that, you are where you are at now.

She is doing self work, but it’s either completely non-relational or she has so damn much self work to do that I’m years away from seeing tangible benefit, assuming she stuck with it. That she is continuing to betray my trust in the interim, I can no longer abide that.

Have you communicated your plan to D with your wife then Ink? How did it go? Do the kids know? How are they doing?

I have communicated my desire to D to my wife. Don’t know if I could say that I have a plan. Maybe 12% of one?

She has expressed a mixture of sadness, anger, and trying to convince me to reconsider. I think given my waffling mastery she hoped that this would blow over. I’ve stayed the course and I suspect she sees this is different.

The kids do not know yet. I am actually on a trip that had been planned before this all hit. I’ve messaged her that we need to figure out how and when to tell the kids when I get back, and I absolutely dread that. My guess is it won’t be as emotional as when we told them we were separating last summer, but that just means that my guess is they are already somewhat hardened, which is tragic beyond words to me.

I have to say, you have been in such pain for so long, that while I’m sad for you I’m not surprised. All living beings above bacteria flee from pain. I’m glad that you realize you have the same right to end the torture.

I think this is true. I think she has a simplistic view on forgiveness, that it is required and easy and if it doesn’t come then it’s a sign that there is something wrong with the victim. I believe that to her, for her to think she needed to earn a chance with me would be a laughable idea.

Maybe I'm reading this wrongly, but from your descriptions, your WW seems to have the mentality of a child. Not in a naive sense, but in the sense of an entitled child who knows little about cause and effect.

And I think that comes from an overly simplistic take on religious beliefs and a sense that she herself is the true victim in the larger scheme of our relationship.

This reads like she lacks empathy, like an entitled child, where everyone else is wrong and they are the only only one that is right.

I do hope you find peace for yourself and your kids whatever the outcome.