SatyaMom (original poster member #83919) posted at 11:04 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024
We are one week out from our 1 year since DDay- when I found out my WH was seeing escorts ( 3 x last summer) he is one of the few who immediately got into therapy, healing and full disclosure. He’s been doing well….but….
He has always had this sort of secret side. I was busy home raising kids, he a traveling executive , great whe he was home, partying internationally when not. I think I may have a lot of resentment about the double life which I tolerated until I found out about last summer.
We have been working hard…..but he is so not self aware. What triggered me was he had a Dr. appt in the same town (about 45 min away- we live outside a major city) and this is the place where he saw escorts in the hotels there. He would then go to a CHinese buffet ( self soothing with sex and food). He promised to just text me , update me on his day — I was busy and appreciated the transparency. When I didn’t hear from him for a while I checked location services to see if he was still at his Dr appt…..he was at the Chinese buffet!!!!!!! I lost it.!!!! First of all- we dont eat that way, greased fried food and second of all WTF???? Just makes me feel he has always had this secret side….sneaking off to do what he wants…..It is SOOO not about the food…..it’s about the transperancy. If he had called or texted and said "Hey, done early, can’t head to next appt yet so gonna stop in and see if I can find a healthy option at xxxxx" I would have said "good luck lol" but instead he resorted to old behavior……this trigger has knocked me to my knees today—if you want to rebuild trust then be where you say you are going to be and do what you say you are gonna do.
Im so tired of crying and feeling like shit. I feel like all is well and Im healing then he pulls this kind of careless crap. :( Just sad and frustrated….and a bit pissed off.
Groot1988 ( member #84337) posted at 11:30 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024
I am so sorry. I completely agree with your feelings. Just because he isn’t having an A he is triggering those feelings by following the SAME PATTERNS HE WAS DURING HIS affairs. I can imagine how triggering that was for you! I couldn’t imagine opening my H location and seeing him ar the same restaurant let alone same city as where the affair took place.
We haven’t ate or even had take out from
The restaraunt he had his affair in and it was one of our favs. When someone invites him to go golfing in the city the A took place in, he declines and tells me. He knows the pattens/places are a no go for me and the restraunt we may never eat at again but it isn’t his call, it’s mine. He avoids a certain hotel he took her to like the plague and makes sure to go a different route so I don’t see him near it on our life360 app. Seeing him by the hotel, even on a map triggers me still.
Your husband sounds like he’s a lot like mine was and still can be , very self absorbed and doesn’t think before he acts and unfortunately I have realized that I have to point these things out to him like a child. Overtime he’s gotten better because his remorse grew as well. Before that , forget it, all that mattered was what he wanted.
Have you told your H how that made you feel? How did he respond? I hope he felt like complete shit for bringing you back to those horrible
Feelings.
Married 5 years (together 11) Four children Me Bs 36Him WH 35- 4 month PA Dday Oct 6- lots of TT final disclosure Jan 16.
"If we walk through hell we might as well hold hands, we should make this a home"- citizen soldier
SatyaMom (original poster member #83919) posted at 11:33 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024
Thanks Groot for your response…
Yes I told him…and at first he got very defensive " I was hungry" "had time to spare" and then when I withdrew he says he understood and apologized. Im just tired of it……what is up with these man-babys :( wake the F$%# up. Ugh
Groot1988 ( member #84337) posted at 11:43 PM on Wednesday, September 11th, 2024
Ugh. I am so sorry!
It isn’t rocket science for the WS to realize they need to avoid the things that trigger us and if they can’t to at least tell us they can’t and what their plan is to make us feel safe.
That restaraunt could have been avoided , he had other options and instead he didn’t think and that isn’t ok. He should be completely aware of your triggers and he should be asking you what you need in order to heal in order to move forward , if avoiding a Chinese food buffet is too hard for him then I would be re thinking the M , that isn’t to be mean but I’m mad for you. He had many other options to eat at.
He recognized it in the end when you brought it up but he needs to start being more self aware which most of the WS struggle with but at 1 year? He needs to work harder , IMO.
Sorry ETA.
I would have kicked my H out that night in his car and tell him to sleep there so you’re much nicer than me.
Triggers are literally the worst.
[This message edited by Groot1988 at 11:46 PM, Wednesday, September 11th]
Married 5 years (together 11) Four children Me Bs 36Him WH 35- 4 month PA Dday Oct 6- lots of TT final disclosure Jan 16.
"If we walk through hell we might as well hold hands, we should make this a home"- citizen soldier
SatyaMom (original poster member #83919) posted at 12:36 AM on Thursday, September 12th, 2024
I sometimes think he thinks "We made it" since we got past 1 yr….I also think its been too easy for him…..he definitely has shame and is in therapy and I dont wish that for him but he’s too comfortable.
I took care of basic self care…walk, yoga hot bath ate well and had therapy but spent most of the day in bed reading :( it’s my safe zone……..he has his tail between his legs :( and is now taking care of me ….ugh
