SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:07 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

Feeling for you and hoping you can be gentle with yourself in a very difficult situation. My story is different, but I'm wrestling with many of the same questions you are.

It sounds like you've done all you can and tried your very best for a year, even with a WS who doesn't sound like he is doing his part. You mention being worried about the guilt of being the one to call it quits, and I wonder if you can reframe this as being the one with the wisdom and the strength to say "this isn't working." It sounds like you've been incredibly resilient in the face of this challenge.

I also wonder about what decision you might actually be making. Deciding to separate is a distinct decision from deciding to divorce - separation might be the first step on the path to divorce, but it might also be the step that causes your WS to truly change his mindset and behavior. My point is to take the decisions one at a time. Separating could give you the distance and space to figure out for yourself what you truly want and need, and it might help you find greater clarity around what needs to happen next.

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:08 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

I have asked him multiple times now to quit/take a break from that job as I’m struggling with it and he has said no every time.

This is just one of the things you have stated would help you feel safe; and he flat out refuses. This speaks volumes.

I just can’t get over the guilt of being the one to say ‘I’m out’ and the fear that I will regret not trying or that things will be worse.

- You can not R alone.

- Many folks on here found a S provided much clarity for both of them.

What help have you guys been getting to help you navigate? IE are you and/or your WS in IC?

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:12 PM, Thursday, December 5th]

You should not feel guilty in any way.

You did not cheat, he did.

You have asked for reasonable things, he has refused.

You have shared your feelings. He’s done very little to address them, based on what you have shared.

You feel guilty because HE is making you feel guilty. Most cheaters have a completely different mindset about what happens after Dday. They believe they can make some minor changes and life goes back to the way it was before the affair.

Unfortunately it just not work that way. The marriage or relationship has been hit by an explosion and it takes time — a long time to sort through the rubble and pick up the pieces.

Consider some professional counseling for yourself. It can help you sort through this situation and help you to make some decisions. It definitely helped me face reality when I was on the brink of D. It saved my sanity to know that while I didn’t want a D, I had to accept that it was coming (at dday2).

I would start the D process. The thing is once they are served there are still months and months in that process. Serving papers and starting the process will do two things. 1. It will give you a sense of power in the hopelessness and powerlessness, I personally really needed that feeling. 2. It will show them that you are serious and things, real things, are beginning to change. Once they are served if they beg or act aloof just know to say I will not stop this process but I will evaluate us as this goes on and at the end maybe we can stop it. From there just see how they respond to the whole situation when they are now threatened not you and decide from there. Yes if you cancel you will have wasted the money to file, BUT if that is what wakes them up worth it, and if that is how you work your way to accepting leaving and freedom that’s also a win. What did not work at all for me was sitting there begging and hoping and trying to do whatever I could to make it work when they thought that I would never leave no matter what I said. People that cheat tend to do so when they devalue their partner in their minds, often unknowingly, which can in fact cause them to see you as a weak unattractive whatever. They need to be woken up, and you need to have some some reassurance that you can make the choice for yourself if they don’t act right and really genuinely change.

Just saw that you aren’t married. Same process but with separation. It still applies, they need a wake up call.

You're the prize. As a BS, I'd expect my WSo to do everything honest and loving to win me back. Instead your WSo seems to be detached as to the outcome. He'll stick around if you toe his line. But How does your doing that repair your relationship? How does your changing affect him, other than by rug-sweeping.

Instead of recognizing that he needs to change, he's demanding that you change. Instead of showing that your relationship is his highest priority, he's chosen his job over you, and he's angry that you're not good with that.

I spent 4 years as a road warrior. I know the rewards. I could easily have buried whores in my expense accounts. I really enjoyed working with and mentoring attractive young women and working for attractive female clients. I know the temptations your WSo had to deal with, and he failed to deal with them well - but he won't change.

I agree with Arnold.

I think separation may serve you well.

I also think you should go ahead with the separation. You have expressed ad nauseam what you need to feel safe in the relationship. He hasn't done any of it and makes you feel bad for even requesting it in the first place. Sounds like he just wants to rugsweep and for you to just get over it.

How did you get the courage to call it quits?

I had to stop banging my head against the wall. I stayed in limbo far too long with an unremorseful WS. My xWS was never going to change and I was not healing. One day the pain of staying became more than the pain of leaving. I finally found my courage and never looked back. It was the best decision and right decision for me. I have not regret it once since I've left. I do struggle now financially but that is probably the only downside.

I agree with the others. Separation sounds like your best course of action. He is stonewalling you and daring you to separate. This is the cruelest part of infidelity. After cheating your WBF is counting on your good nature. He expects you to do the heavy lifting to end the relationship because of HIS cheating. Very cowardly if you ask me. You have done all you could. He cheated. He is not remorseful. Time to end your pain and move out of infidelity. How old are your children? If they are young, he will be paying child support. Make sure you have your legal bases covered.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:17 AM, Thursday, December 5th]

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:08 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

But I just feel so guilty about actually pulling the plug. I feel like I’ve tried my best, but I can’t live like this, so what other choice do I have.

I just can’t get over the guilt of being the one to say ‘I’m out’ and the fear that I will regret not trying or that things will be worse.

You have nothing to feel guilty about! I agree that reframing this thought might be helpful. For me, since kicking out XH on Dday one of my greatest sources of comfort has been the strength and courage I showed in taking care of myself, even when absolutely devastated. It's been a reminder that I'm capable of making hard decisions, even ones I don't want to make, if I need to do so to take care of myself. If I can get through that, I can get through anything!

I suggest reframing your thinking.

You most definitely can continue to live this way - you choose not to, because you deserve better.

You are not breaking up the relationship and family. Your WSo is doing that by choosing his traveling over his family.

Etc., etc., etc.

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:08 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:08 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

Scream away! I used to go out to my car and scream until I was hoarse. So sorry torturedpoet. I know you wanted a different outcome. It doesn't sound like he's regretful, let alone working on being remorseful for hurting you so badly.

Well it looks like he’s made the decision for me.

when this stuff popped up during that time for me; I took it as signs of the path I needed to follow.

You were already leaning in one direction at this fork in the road. This is letting you know that he is not going to give what you need to R right now.

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:09 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

So now he’s "maybe considering" changing jobs.

Does it really change anything? IMO it doesn’t.

You just went through a night of worry and anger etc over his behavior. Innocent or not you don’t feel he’s trustworthy.

So even if he changes his job — does he suddenly become trustworthy? Only you know the answer to that.

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:09 PM, Saturday, April 18th]