SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And let me say this to you brother - some don't pull their head out of their ass! My ex lost her marriage, her best friend, lost her job, and damaged so many relationships. We went through a year of marriage counselling, an affair recovery program, and individual counselling for both of us. The lies never stopped and she has done what avoiders do best - avoid the whole damn thing like it never happened.

2 months after divorce and when I think either she moved on from the AP or the AP moved on from her - she's jumped right into another long term relationship. Acts like losing her job, losing her marriage, losing 20+ year relationships, and losing her best friend did'nt really happen. Acts like our kids are'nt making D's and F's in school. Acts like her choices are not responsible for any of these outcomes. Acts like its healthy to expose our kids to her new boyfriend all the time.

My story is not unique - not even remotely. Again, I've talked to countless men who experienced my story and my exact outcomes. The only way your going to get out of this is by setting hard boundries and not tolerating one more ounce of disrespect. You can do all of that in a healthy way without triggering your anger or rage.

"And sexually I’m a trash fire now. I think I understand why though. I think my mind is using my body to relieve the stress of the pain I feel when I think about her with this man. And the way it works is that I can’t really get off like a normal person because I don’t feel safe. But when I feel the pain of the betrayal, my body gets me really turned on and I basically orgasm my way out of the pain. What this means is that I get off thinking about my wife cheating on me, but I’m still sad afterwards, I just have a way of pushing out the feeling of being overwhelmed by it. It’s like my mind knows that I just can’t take the shock, so it gives me a way to relieve the pressure instead of going into a comma or balling up on the floor crying."

This is something I remember quite vividly from my own experience. I've read about others having the same issues as well. Eventually it goes away, but your mind and body are traumatized and are doing everything to make sense of why they feel the way they do, so they try to convince you that this is what you actually want. It's a desperate grab at control.

gr8ful summarizes my story, which started decades ago.

BTW this is the first time in my 25 years of my career that is somewhat related to what your wife does, that I've even heard about an employee monitoring an urinalysis test of someone of the opposite sex.

That DOES NOT HAPPEN...

It's always male to male or female to female. Never thought I'd type this out.... but males usually go to a urinal to pee in the cup, there is a slanted mirror above the urinal that the employee watches as he stands behind the male's back. Females (I've been told) sit on a toilet with the stall door open and the female employee monitors the urination. It's a bit trickier with females, the employers that monitor have to keep a sharp eye out. Once had a case where the female probationer attempted to hide (you know where) a vial of clean urine (from her infant son no less!) to "pee" clean... she still tested positive for heroin. Lots of other cases where people try to bring in 'wizzanators' to beat the tests.

Like I said, I would be shocked if 4character's wife really monitored males giving urinalysis test. Now, she could be the one at the desk that receives the sample... but no way, no how is she really dealing with males conducting the test. You think they would have a male employee monitoring a female giving an urinalysis test? It's unthinkable...

Lots of questions....

It's 100% true, she monitors the tests for males and females.

EDIT:
And BTW, now that I think of it, about 20 or so years ago, I had to give urine for an employment test and was monitored by a woman. I know it's not a good situation, but I don't think it's as rare as you may imagine.

[This message edited by 4characters at 8:44 PM, Wednesday, January 8th]

Is your wife working for the county/state/judicial system or is she working for a contractor that does the samples? Basically; is she a certified parole officer or is she some type of lab tech? The difference can seriously impact her level of culpability from a legal standpoint, and therefore the advice we would/could be offering. Like... there is a big difference between a criminal charge for misconduct and having your work-contract terminated by a private company.

Since going to her superiors with the accusations of OM (and let’s call him that for now) sexually harassing her, has she had to take his samples? Is he still a client of hers? Has her employer done anything to increase her (and other staff) safety?

Is he still incarcerated? Has she had any professional interaction with him after she reported him?

@Bigger

For obvious reasons I’d rather not comment further on her exact type of employment.

Since going to her superiors with the accusations of OM (and let’s call him that for now) sexually harassing her, has she had to take his samples? Is he still a client of hers? Has her employer done anything to increase her (and other staff) safety?

Yes, Yes, No.

My understanding is that her superiors have failed to provide her with a safe workplace. But this is entirely based on what my wife has told me. Making it less than credible.

IIRC he was banned. Mods were patient with him but he continued to push the limits. Read all of his threads and you'll see the slippery slope he slid down.

Peace

Maybe things have slowed down on your thread because there is so much to unpack. Maybe even to the extent that some posters might doubt if you really can have all this to handle. Maybe to the extent that posters really don’t know where and/or what to start on...

Parole officers enforcing court-ordered drug-tests are considered "officers of the court" and are therefore allowed to do tests on both genders (or in these days maybe I should say all genders...). "Allowed" does not reflect desired standard-practice. Like a male police-officer will generally wait for a female cop to do more than a pat-down of a female suspect, but it’s more a courtesy and best-practice than a legal requirement. Same with TSA officials – you will sometimes get female TSA patting down or searching men, but generally a woman TSA agent to search a female passenger. However, it’s a best-practice rather than a set-rule.
Seeing as you say she does "numerous" I’m thinking more lab-tech than parole officer, and I would think there would be some rules regarding gender.
Either way – official capacity or working for a contractor – the lack of protection as in having the man she accused of sexual harassment as a client is worrying.

But anyways... seeing as this is an anonymous site and people might inadvertently cloud their truths with mystery-fog to remain anonymous...

What I will say is this:
There is so much in your post. A touch of misogyny, cuck-fantasy, sexual issues, longtime mutual disrespect, admittance to emotional abuse (and yes – the tantrums with your family do constitute as emotional abuse), the time spent being right – both you with your gaming and she with what she does...
It really makes me wonder why you two are working at saving this "marriage". I think that’s the first discussion and decision you two need to have and make.
If it’s for the house... well... get rid of it in divorce and establish a sustainable lifestyle.
The logic of "we have been together for so long that we need to continue to be together" doesn’t work...
If it’s for the kids... well... an emotionally unstable dad who spends his time gaming... a detached and unhappy mom who spends her time sexting a felon... Is this ideal for the kids?

I think you both need to get serious. Together or apart – but serious.
Decide if you want to be married or not.
If yes – then really work at it.
If no – then really work at the best termination.
If not sure – then really work at the best termination...

Regarding her job.
Seriously... the ONLY thing that can save her (based on what you share – and that’s all I have) is that she complained about harassment, and was assigned the same guy again.
If she is a parole officer, she is breaking so many expectations with her behavior that it totally 100% compromises her position. If the OM is caught in any sort of illegal activity and there is any indication that he could falsify his tests... you could be seeing serious legal issues and possible punishment.
If she’s a lab tech for a contracted company and their contract is compromised by a lawsuit...

What we know of OM – solely based on you – is that he’s a felon with a drug-history (they don’t do tests on non-drug related felons...) and has limited respect for women (the sexual harassment), and that his crime was serious enough that this breach was enough to send him back in.
Plus – he’s already out again seeing as he is still peeing in a cup for your wife’s enjoyment.
Think someone like this will simply let his well-placed crumpet just go?
Think he’s above threatening your wife if she stops accepting the clean substitute, or demand her colleague does this test?
Think he’s going to keep it a secret that he was doing this cute thing at the parole office?
Not to forget – can she refuse to do his tests now, or is she shaking his friendship as we speak to get the last drop?

There is no way your wife can safely either remain in this job OR keep what’s happening a secret from her supervisors. NO WAY.
She might get away with a simple resignation and walk away. She might have some defense in the lack of protection. But there is no way this can go on.
Money issues? She can work at bagging groceries until a better option opens up.

misogyny

I was surprised by this comment. I take it this was the 100% paying bills comments?

If yes, I can see how you’d get there. The point I was trying to make was that we were both contributing to the marriage. She can’t homeschool 4 kids if someone isn’t going to work every day to pay the bills for her. At least not in our marriage.

When my wife told me she was miserable for 22 years, it crushed me, and I feel like our joint partnership during those years has been reduced to "you were a bad husband for 22 years".

Wow….

Lot going on here. As I said in one of your other threads, there are many elements of your story that are similar to mine. Not all, but many. If you read the saga of Strangelove, I’d be happy to point you to some highlights of my own story, but I’ll warn you that it isn’t brief.

I’m glad you are posting. For all the complexities of what is going on here, I continue to encourage you to keep very clear separation between your own personal need for healing from the terrible trauma you have experienced from being betrayed versus the damaged marriage. Both are real, but they are utterly separate. And the first is infinitely more important.

Would also recommend that you choose one active thread and just use that. I would recommend this one, it has the most rich background. But having multiple active threads makes it hard for others to keep the story straight.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 2:17 PM, Sunday, January 12th]

You are 51. I have relatives who were still driving at 100…safely. So if you look after yourself you still have another 50 to go. What you will not have is a long life if you are stressed all the time. Bigger, is/was a cop. He can tell you all about stress. There’s good stress, the kind where you become engaged, get the job you wanted, buy a new car you waited for, and you can jump around and yell and high five and run up and down the street and make 1000 phone calls. That’s good stress because you don’t have that high all day every day so the cortisol and the adrenaline that come into your body will eventually go away. The problem is that it takes hours for them to dissipate. The bad stress is the kind you are living with. Your body has no ability to tell the difference between your wife’s Behavior or a lion. It just recognizes stress and those two nice hormones are right there running the show trying to get you to safety. The fight, freeze or flee responses are innate. We are going to do one of them when we are under stress. In your case, I would imagine you have squelched whatever it is your body wants you to do. I can tell you it wants you to get out of this lifestyle as soon as possible. How you do that it’s up to you, but I guarantee you every day that you live with this stress is a day that you won’t get back at the back end of your life. Are you going to be sitting in a chair in your 70s and not able to move because you’ve had a stroke or you have heart problems or you’re dealing with diabetes or alcoholism or COPD because you smoke? What you do NOW impacts the rest of your life. I cannot make that strong enough for you. You need to make a decision and then do something about your life so that you can wake up in the morning without stress running the day. It interferes with sleep. It interferes with digestion. It causes headache, headaches, and upset stomachs, and chronic illnesses. You need to look at how to get yourself out from under this pain. No one here can tell you what to do, but we can certainly make strong suggestions. If you need help, find yourself a therapist who can help you figure out how to do whatever it is you decide to do. I do have one suggestion, make a decision.

Typically cheaters rewrite the marriage history to justify the affair.

She was not unhappy for 22 years — until she met the other man.

My husband was unhappy for YEARS lol. News to me. I’m certain he was only "unhappy" for a few weeks when he met the OW and used his "frustration" to fuel his "reasons" to cheat.

Don’t believe everything (or anything) a cheater tells you.

I can’t sleep. I feel absolutely lost.

Literally feels like my wife would rather prolong my agony than give me real answers about our marriage.

If I hear her say "be patient while I figure things out" one more time I’m going to really lose it.

I’m so sorry man. She has no right to ask for your patience, it should be the other way around. I certainly appreciate how angry and sad and frustrated it makes you.

Since I have nothing else to really offer, I’m just curious what games you like to play. I’m also up tonight for various reasons and am just curious. You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want. I also like games but hardly get the chance to play these days.

Thanks justsendit

My wife woke up for work and asked me what was wrong. Which is a weird thing to ask since I wake up every night like this.

I said, everything. I then go on to explain that I don’t feel loved. And I think I’m going to start sleeping in my office so I can see if that will give me an opportunity for more sleep.

What I want is for her to say, "stay in the bed with me." I want her to sit close to me, to hold me.

What I get is her standing on the other side of the room telling me if that’s what I want then ok. That she isn’t asking me to do that. That she needs more time to figure things out. That there’s no affair. That she felt the way I do for the last 22 years, alone, miserable, no connection.

I’ll be sleeping in my office tonight. She offered to sleep somewhere else if I wanted her to. But for some reason I feel like I need to be the one to move.

[This message edited by 4characters at 12:14 PM, Monday, January 13th]

You are in some very dark days, I’m so sorry. The agony of being betrayed is one of life’s worst experiences. The only comfort I have to offer on such a shitty night is to assure you that it gets better.

You continue to express yourself to your wife and you constantly get an angry, frustrated response from her.

You keep trying to get her attention and she keeps pushing you away.

So sorry for you.

I said, everything. I then go on to explain that I don’t feel loved. And I think I’m going to start sleeping in my office so I can see if that will give me an opportunity for more sleep.

What I want is for her to say, "stay in the bed with me." I want her to sit close to me, to hold me.

You need to ask her for what you want. I wouldn't expect her to suggest either of those things after getting told that you are sleeping elsewhere so you can get more sleep. Not that I think she's in the right. Just that she's not a mind reader.

You need to ask her for what you want. I wouldn't expect her to suggest either of those things after getting told that you are sleeping elsewhere so you can get more sleep. Not that I think she's in the right. Just that she's not a mind reader.

Fair. What I left out was that during our conversation this morning I did tell her exactly what I wanted and she said something about "I didn’t know if you’d want me to touch you". Then proceeded to still not touch me.

We’ve been texting throughout the day though and she’s said that she will "try harder" to give me more "physical affection and intimacy". So we’ll see what happens.

I’m keeping my expectations low. It’s really about consistency for me. Knowing that I can count on her for safety and comfort. And if she gets pissed off or triggered, she doesn’t run and hide (or worse) and make me feel like the sky is falling because she can’t use her words.