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Until your last post, it seemed that we are in the same shit hole (I've been sleeping in the office for months). I'm guessing that he expects me to just cave in to avoid the conflict - as I always have. The thing is, he is NOT a safe partner and until I know WTF is/has/was been going on - I'm not gonna do that. The 'office' isn't so bad anyways. It is my sanctuary. I spent some money to make it comfortable, which is rather sad. But, I really don't know what I'm dealing with here. He doesn't want to talk about anything real and doesn't seem to mind that there is zero physical contact between us. Weird. For whatever it's worth, I don't see your game playing as a problem. It seems a healthy escape from life stresses. No different than reading novels, watching sports, or gardening.

It’s not so much that video games were the problem. It’s that I always wanted to play them competitively. This is really not possible when you have a wife and kids that are just trying to do normal wife and kids stuff.

I always compared it to an NFL coach standing on the sidelines of a game, locked in the chess match between every play. Then in the middle of this high pressure contest his wife walks in and asked, "do you know where the laundry basket is?" It’s jarring, and not conducive to high level play. It was rage inducing for me. As was just losing in general. It’s not easy playing games against a bunch of kids with no responsibilities.

Unlike gardening for example, this was a hobby that didn’t have a lot of room for other people, which was in some ways probably the point. More gaming equals more escape from the problems of the real world, which requires sacrifice and hard work to tackle.

I’m doing the right things now, but I should’ve handled this much better, starting many many years ago. It’s all on me.

[This message edited by 4characters at 1:48 PM, Tuesday, January 14th]

Ok so you played video games (maybe too much).

She had a right to complain. You chose maybe not to listen.

That doesn’t give anyone the right to cheat.

And maybe you cannot undo the past but you can do better in the present.

My H had a few flaws or things that irked me. One was constantly showing up late with no accountability. Example: client dinner after work and he’s tell me he’d be home by 11 pm. He’d walk in the door at 2 am thinking it was okay. For decades I asked him to please let me know he would be late. He just didn’t do it.

Finally when he’s begging me to R and I refused (at first) I told him I was done being disrespected by him and not willing to accept his lack of accountability. He finally heard me and understood what I had been saying. He stopped being selfish.

Your wife may be of the mindset it’s too late — she’s not interested in trying to repair the marriage. And that is something you may have to accept. BUT it’s not an excuse to cheat.

No doubt, I didn’t deserve to be cheated on, no one does.

Although I’m certainly responsible for my escapism and anger issues, I don’t think her communication of how she actually felt over the years was ideal.

She tends to shut down or "push through" when there are problems, and I incorrectly thought this meant there were not significant problems.

I’ll give you a classic example. When our twins were born, I wanted to be a great dad, so I tried to be as involved in everything I could, including changing diapers.

During the first few weeks after birth, my wife told me she thought I was the father of the year and was going to write into some magazine to celebrate my greatness. I was flattered and felt like I was doing a great job.

A few weeks later, she was upset that I wasn’t changing the diapers exactly the way she wanted, and was blaming me for one of the kids getting diaper rash. So I listened to her and tried to adjust. It didn’t work, she said I was doing it wrong and she would have to take over to ensure there was no more diaper rash.

But now I’m no longer helping with diapers, which makes more work for her. I didn’t want that, but I also didn’t want the kids to get diaper rash or my wife nitpicking how I changed the diapers. So I just kind of threw up my hands and said, whatever and moved on.

This kind of thing has happened with us many times over the last 22 years. And most recently, as I was attempting to reconcile with her over out marital issues (not counting the cheating) I offered AGAIN to clean the bathroom every week.

She told me I could, but when I didn’t clean it at exactly the time she expected me to start cleaning it, she did it! Then blamed me for not cleaning it.

She would later admit to "punishing" me for not meeting her expectations, as she told me I no longer had to worry about cleaning it ever again.

The old me would’ve said, "ok, you want to do it? Fine, that’s your choice." and the n periodically offered to help again whenever she complained about it. But the new me understands that allowing her to take these things on will only result in resentment towards me.

So after much discussion, I win back my right to clean the bathroom, something I never had a problem doing, and have been cleaning it every week without fail for the last 2-3 months.

I don’t know if it’s helping out marriage. But I’m now doing all "the stuff" that she ever had expressed interest in me doing; including making her coffee every morning, and brushing her hair when she asks me to at night. But obviously "the stuff" was never going to make or break this marriage. You have to love yourself before you can love other people (at least that’s what I believe), and I think my wife has a lot of unresolved issues that have nothing to do with me.

[This message edited by 4characters at 3:01 PM, Tuesday, January 14th]

But the new me understands that allowing her to take these things on will only result in resentment towards me.

This should be about issue 4,729 to resolve on the docket, but still it stuck out to me. It is her choice to build resentments, you can’t do anything about that. She has to own it and end that habit. And if she is going to do the classic nitpick and complain if it’s not done exactly to her unspoken expectations, or just flat out blame shift, then she has a long long way to go on that.

But, job number 1, you need to emotionally recover from being betrayed by your most trusted human. Eyes on the prize.

...I did tell her exactly what I wanted....

Telling is not asking. I know it doesn't seem intuitive, but asking brings a healthy dynamic to a relationship.

If you want to be touched, ask. She responds yes/no/later/a specific time/etc. Saying 'yes' builds bonds. Saying 'I can do it a 3 PM - does that work for you?' builds bonds. Saying 'No' too often tells you that you may not be a good fit for each other.

If she wants to touch you, it's best for her to ask. You may or may not want to be touched just then. By asking, you get to choose.

You can't read each other's minds. At one point. and probably for a long time, you could read each other's body language, but the hidden A means you've lost that ability. Explicitly asking for what you want (and responding honestly) is the only way to recalibrate.

Your anger. I never heard a raised voice in my home so when I married a man who raises his voice I had no idea what to do. Neither did your wife. You owe her a thousand apologies.

Her choices are her choices. Your loud voice did not make her cheat. That’s on her. Yelling is on you. I hope you make sure to do it differently in the future, regardless of the outcome.

Good luck.