SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have read these forums for years but today is my very first post. We are mad hatters. We have been together since middle school for over 30 years and married for 20 years. My husband had an affair that started in 2010 and I found out in 2011. It broke my heart but I never wanted to divorce. I fought many of my battles alone because he was angry and didn’t want to talk about the affair. He just wanted me to get over it and stop talking about it. I tried to work on our marriage but I felt like it was very one sided. He has always felt that he helps with the kids and house and that should be enough. I was so lost and hurt and broken and starved for attention that I became selfish. I then had an affair in 2016 and my husband found out about it in 2019. Since then we have been working on reconciliation and our marriage, we resaid our vows and promised never to hurt each other again. Or so I thought? We had the typical ups and downs and distance due to daily busy life as working parents. About 3 months ago I was sharing my needs with my husband and he exploded that he has been miserable every day since my affair. He doesn’t know what he wants. He just says he can’t do it anymore but won’t say he wants a divorce. I did convince him to do individual and marriage counseling but they both just seem to make him more angry. I have been putting every ounce of energy in to show him that I love him, I want him and that he is not alone. He is not doing the same for me. He only wants to talk about my mistakes never fully admitting he did the same thing to me. Every day is a battle where he is angry and negative and cannot see any positive or focus on the future. He says he loves me but looks at me differently and feels the damage has been done to our marriage. I promised to never give up again but I don’t know how long I can do this. It is causing stress, anxiety, difficulty eating and sleeping. How long do I keep fighting for my marriage alone?

How long do I keep fighting for my marriage alone?

Please let me know when you find out.

I’m wondering this myself. I don’t want to stop fighting, but I feel my WW has, or at least isn’t ready to truly reconcile.

Seems like there should be more science in this area. Almost like a choose your own adventure score card that leads you to a likely outcome.

I don't know what's going on with your H, but it looks like he isn't doing the work he needs to do as a BS, and perhas as a WS, too.

His misery since 2019 is his problem to deal with, but he's not healing. I suspect he's holding onto his anger so he doesn't have to feel or deal with grief, fear, shame, or some other feeling he wants to avoid.

What does he want from you? What is love to him? From the way you write, I'm guessing you behave as you think a loving W should; perhaps he's looking for something different.

What do you want from him when you feel the pain of his A?

What are you doing in MC? How is the MC dealing with each of your As?

He only wants to talk about my mistakes never fully admitting he did the same thing to me.

he was angry and didn’t want to talk about the affair. He just wanted me to get over it and stop talking about it.

Does he not see the irony in this? It is the exact same thing. Maybe now he can understand why you needed to discuss his A now that he is wearing the shoe of a BS.

Unfortunately he is going to have to own his A and how it affected you and how important it is to discuss and work through not just expecting one to "get over it."

He says he loves me but looks at me differently and feels the damage has been done to our marriage.

And I'm sure you felt the same way after his A.

He's going to have to come to the conclusion that you are both the same. Did the same thing to each other, the same damage, and will have to either work towards R or end the M.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:08 PM, Tuesday, January 14th]

Thank you. Sadly he sees and has said that my affair is worse because it lasted longer and was with a friend. He is also struggling with the fact that I told my AP that I loved him and I completely understand how that would be so very hurtful. I have since done a lot of reflection to realize I did not feel that way about him and have tried to explain why I said it but he doesn’t believe me. I broke off all contact with AP on the day I admitted to my affair and there has not been any communication with him since. I do feel we could have a beautiful marriage if we worked together on this but we both have to be all in. I have apologized, committed and been doing everything in my power to show him that I want this but I am not getting the same things in return. I feel so alone, lost, sad, unwanted and unloved. I feel like I am only seen for my failures and none of the good things I have and continue to do in life.

It takes 2 to R. You can't save your M on your own. He's not giving you anything to work with.

Your H has not healed and is not healing. To be a candidate for R, he's got to take responsibility for himself instead of telling himself your A was worse. Sure, yours was a double betrayal - but I doubt that he'd feel any worse if it was with anybody else.

What's keeping you in this M? I agree that you could R, but what makes you think your H will change?

Not excusing his behavior, but perhaps a wee bit of explanation.

A wife’s cheating can attack her husband at the level of DNA. Paternity insecurity.

He may not even know he’s feeling this. Just the way he’s wired.

I think it's fair to say that both men and women have unique reasons to feel the pain of infidelity.

Paternity insecurity isn't something I had to deal with, but I can see where that would be insanely difficult to manage.

I got a vasectomy years ago and I remember for the first few years I actually felt insecure because I couldn't help making babies anymore (which of course is the whole point!). I just never imagined that I would feel that way, but I did. I kept feeling like my wife would leave me for another man that could do that, even though she also wanted me to have the vasectomy because neither of us wanted a 5th child.

I understand that men and women will process the betrayal differently. What I am struggling with is his constant negativity and throwing my affair in my face no matter what I do. He has done the same to me and doesn’t see it and I don’t bring up his affair regularly. Our last marriage counseling session tried to go back to the issues that led to his affair, he pretty much shut down. Then afterwards he said he didn’t like how that session went and didn’t feel like that was going to fix anything.

I think I keep holding out for a little glimmer of hope that he will decide he is all in on reconciliation. He continues to get angry, raise his voice and remind me of all the things I did during my affair then walk away from me. He is stuck in anger and not moving forward yet says he doesn’t know what he wants.

I am pouring everything I have into his cup. Trying to find something I can do each day to show him my love - make his favorite dessert, back massage, something new in the bedroom, apologizing, giving reasons I love him, planning date nights, etc. I get nothing in return other than being told "the damage is done" and "he is broken"

I just don’t know when it is time for me to give up?

I don’t fully understand the paternity insecurity. Do you mean that he struggles thinking our children are not his or that he cannot have anymore children?

I am pouring everything I have into his cup. Trying to find something I can do each day to show him my love - make his favorite dessert, back massage, something new in the bedroom, apologizing, giving reasons I love him, planning date nights, etc.

I'm going through this with my WW right now. She's checked out. And like your WH, she keeps saying "I don't know", which drives me crazy.

I just don’t know when it is time for me to give up?

I'm struggling with this too. I keep telling my WW that she's telling me to stop fighting for her. It doesn't seem to have any meaningful impact, and makes me think she is waiting for me to divorce her.

She's actually told me that if she were me, she'd divorce her for having the affair.

I don’t fully understand the paternity insecurity. Do you mean that he struggles thinking our children are not his or that he cannot have anymore children?

I took it to mean the former. I think the previous poster was just saying that men generally have this problem and it's unique to them. (not excusing any of the actions)

Yes the "I don’t know answer" is the worst. This roller coaster of ups and downs and little glimmers of hope is hurting me so bad. I want to say "either you accept me for my flaws and are in it or just let me go!" But then I fear he will leave and it will be my fault because I pressured him. I recommitted when I resaid my vows and promised not to break them and I am not going to do that but I need him to meet me in the middle.

it's not going to work if he keeps doing the A comparison. Like Sisoon said it takes 2 to make R work and if he doesn't start working on himself it won't work no matter how much YOU try. An A is A no matter who does it or what's involved. I am a madhatter too so I get it. My xWS couldn't stop having A's plus he was diagnosed NPD and I couldn't work with that.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:52 PM, Tuesday, January 14th]

When a wife bears a child, she knows it is hers. And in most cases, she knows who the father is. And in most of those cases, she chose the father.

But while the husband may believe the child is his, may hope it is his, until recently with DNA testing, he could never be sure. He could only rely on his wife’s fidelity.

Paternity insecurity.

Many psychologists/anthropologists believe this is a big driver of male behavior, with Darwin, survival of the fittest, natural selection roots.

We see it manifested in many ways: harems, chaperones, virgin brides, vows and promises and ceremonies.

Women are taught from an early age to repress their sexuality: guard your reputation with your life, good girls get good husbands, boys are promiscuous, girls are monogamous. Husbands don’t want to worry about sexually forward wives.

It’s baked into male DNA, some experts believe, because men who reject cheaters are more likely to pass their genes on.

Googling this will reveal many mistakes in my explanation.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 2:05 AM, Wednesday, January 15th]

A new twist to the biological imperative to spread seed explanation/ excuse. Cool.

Yep we’re all animals.

However, evolution happened. No one takes a crap on the floor at the mall because we evolved and developed society that frowns on said behavior.

Double standards are toxic and unproductive.

Adults in relationships are flawed humans. But we each are responsible for our choices and behaviors.

If your husband refuses to acknowledge his affair but expounds on your failures that’s not his biology protecting him. That’s a self gazing jerk with the inability to use perspective or empathy.