SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t post much, I read a lot, but feel like I need a little more support today.
We are just over 18months from DDay 2 and 20 months from DDay1. My WH has done and is doing work on himself through counseling, group meetings, books, podcasts and more. I am also in counseling and working on why I allowed myself to give everything for someone who gave if it was convienent.
As I look at whether I can rebuild or want to rebuild with him, I was always bothered by the thoughts that I am trusting him and his "word" that this is the only affair-( typing that makes me sick), that I have the timeline and events and that he has had NO contact since the day after he told me about the affair, which was current at the time. For a while I tried to push these thought away, but they always came back. A weeks ago I brought them up again. I told him I couldn’t live with myself believing the word of the one who betrayed me in the worst way. I didn’t feel like I had a firm foundation to build on.
He called and found a polygraph examiner, explained what we were looking for and scheduled the appointment. Well today is the day. . . I feel overly anxious, and a little like bracing for impact.
I’m not sure what my reason for sharing other than I need to tell someone - get some of these anxious feelings out. While I hope he passes, I know he obviously had no trouble lying to me in the past , so I wait and see if I have the basic truths to the crumbling of my old life.

Hi,

Gonna offer my feelings as a BS. I recently had a polygraph done following my betrayal, my wife took it upon herself as a WS to answer my biggest questions. She had a polygraph done professionally that gave 4 questions. It covered whether she had sexual intercourse, oral sex, if she has spoken to AP since D-Day, and if they only kissed one time. All results came back truthful, but I still have my doubts. I know that polygraphs have a decent success rate when less questions are answered, but that doubt still creeps in for me. That may just be part of my brain still struggling to trust the one who hurt me. I think it helped me more just knowing that she took it upon herself to complete it and pay for it rather than being forced to. Typically more truth comes out before the polygraph but she stood firm on her answers.

I hope everything turns out well for you and you find peace in this situation. The biggest thing for me is coming to terms with things that I’ll never know. There’s always questions that you’ll have and polygraphs are expensive. Eventually you’ll just have to decide if the information you’ve been given is enough for you.

IMHO youngblood comes into a key issue with a poly.
If you aren’t going to believe the result, don’t spend money doing it.
I know all the debate about their accuracy and that they aren’t allowed in court (actually, they ARE in many civil/private issues if both parties agree to it, for example, a termination can be justified with a failed polygraph).
Personally – I think that the average WS who knows his/her marriage hangs on them passing the poly is hardly going to fake a result with no preparation or having done some trial-runs beforehand. That is – unless the person has psychopathic tendencies and can’t discern truth from wrong.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate the time you took to respond and it always helps to hear different experiences.
I do feel confident in the polygraph expert he found, he researched found reputable places, scheduled and has been very up front and communicative about it.
I sent the questions to the gentleman, he reworded them and sent them back to me to see is I was satisfied with the wording.
My WH has not wavered on the answers to these questions, but I will appreciate knowing the answers have been verified.
I will be hurt terribly if he does not pass this because he has been adamant about these answers. I feel like this will help me see if he is walking in the right direction or if he’s still twisted up in the darkness of lies.
It’s scary facing this head on, but also freeing.

Bigger- I agree.
If I didn’t think they would be reliable I wouldn’t have agreed to him doing it. I do think it will be valid.
I will be thankful if he passes, that I have a solid picture of the infidelity in my marriage and I can move forward however I see fit knowing those facts.
If he fails, I will also know that he is not all in, even with the work he has done, and will move forward with that set of facts.
I do appreciate your comments as well.
Thank you.

I hope your WS passes and that it brings you some peace.

Thank you SS33

Well there was no parking lot concession as I’ve seen and read about, so I wait.
He just went in- I’m not there, I’m at the gym, trying to use this energy for good.

He passed the polygraph. The examiner, with 20 years of experience, was completely confident with the results and reliability, it wasn’t even close.
So where does that put me?
From the beginning I have related to the analogy that this feels like my brain is working on a 1,000 piece puzzle, that has no picture and is black and white. And I’m always trying to make pieces match. With this information, I feel like the frame is complete, I know the boundaries of what happened. I know this was 1 affair, I know the many years of traveling before, did not result in affairs. Was he still selfish, yeah, but I know the boundary.
I know that the timeline, events and details he gave me are accurate and he is not withholding information. This feels like pieces of the inside that I tried forcing together, finally do fit. And the many extra pieces my mind created, actually do not belong.
Lastly, I know that he has had no contact, communication or anything with the AP since the day after DDay1, when he called and said it was over. Knowing that he has been honest about this for the past 20+ months, makes me think he is doing work to better himself.

This result doesn’t magically fix anything, but it does make me feel like I have a solid ground to stand and build on. And that my husband has been building a small foundation and not a fake wall. Thanks for listening.

This is excellent news! Also, I like your analogies.

I am really happy for you. Your jigsaw puzzle analogy is spot-on. I hope you and your husband continue to fill in the pieces and find peace, whether that be D or R.

On polygraphs: I am a believer. There was a 3 year period of time when I was a defense attorney and developed a professional relationship with a very astute and uber experienced polygrapher. I brought about a dozen clients to him and watched the testing. How reliable are polygraph tests? Just as reliable as the person administering the test. My guy told me that the only people who could fool him were the very rare cases of sociopaths who experienced zero pangs of discomfort when they told lies. It wasn’t that they didn’t know the difference between truth and fiction or right from wrong. They just weren’t bothered by lying.

This is the best that you can ask for given the goal of the poly. In the end you have to want to trust and he has to want to be honest. From that view point, I would personally look at the passed poly with sign of things moving in the right direction. Nothing will ever restore the blind trust we all had at one point in time. I think that and some of the specialness are lost forever - it doesn't mean that you two can not have a great story though.

I also like your jigsaw puzzle analogy. I have used the analogy of a house of cards in the past.

All models are wrong, some are useful.

What has always rang true to me about the house of cards is the tenuous nature of the reality we are forced to reconstruct as BS’s. We have only the word of self deluded liars to go off to piece things back together, with even their best recollection being eroded daily by time. It was not my experience that things ever fit as snuggly as a jigsaw puzzle. But I do resonate with your image of the boundary being set. I hope this is a step toward peace for you.