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I mistitled the post and couldn’t figure out how to change it.

It’s been 6 years today from the first dday. I’ve said it before and I will say it again… please don’t do what I did. Please spare your BS the trickle truth and all the agony that comes with multiple ddays.

Today, 6 years later, dday looks different.

We discuss dday for about a month before. We discuss the horrible irony that this dday has become bittersweet and such a big turning point for us. Our entire relationship and marriage was founded and built on lies and deceit. When BS first discovered my affairs 6 years ago it shattered him and nearly destroyed him. For a long while it did. It took years of intense work to bring us to where we are today.

Before dday our marriage was in a downward trajectory because of my lies, my affairs, my repression of memories. Dday burned our marriage to the ground and through blood, sweat and tears we rebuilt it from the ground up.

It’s 6 years later. We had our 3rd child who just turned 18 months. We celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We are doing well. We marvel at this every day. We NEVER take it for granted. My husband is doing better than ever. He smiles, he laughs, he thrives in his new job and as dad to our 3 littles. We are partners for the first time. We have risen from the ashes and created a beautiful and healthy relationship. We now have hope and love. We now respect each other and we communicate with each other. This was only able to happen due to his sacrifices of enduring an agonizing year filled with 6 and years of suffering afterwards.

Today, on the 6th year after the first dday, BS went to work today. It’s a hard day. We’ve been talking throughout. He’s sad. He goes dark from time to time. I’m here for him. I still have to fight my old instincts today to run away from the pain and suffering of this day. I still have to fight my nature that if I ignore something then it didn’t happen. I’m a different person. BS is a different person. We as husband and wife have a different marriage.

Every year dday looks different. Every year it comes and goes. I thank God and my BS for every happy day we have…but I also am thankful for the hard ones that catapulted us out of a doomed and broken relationship and into something more meaningful and lasting. The pain is real, the agony is real, the betrayal is real… but so is the hope and the blessings that came after.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 5:31 PM, Tuesday, February 4th]

Great update, change!

This in particular spoke to me:

I still have to fight my old instincts today to run away from the pain and suffering of this day.

I am close to 8 years out but still have to be vigilant and fight my own nature to do what I know is right. I think not only your warning about don’t trickle truth this is helpful- you are talking about something not often spoken of.

I believe in truly reconciled relationships the former ws still has what is ingrained (our avoidant nature) but are cognizant of it. We are aware of what is required instead of turning back to old tendencies.

I also think that it often makes my husband not feel as alone to see I fight those things to do my part.

Congratulations on your progress and reconciliation. Thank you for shedding light on what that looks like.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:19 PM, Tuesday, February 4th]

This is a good and positive update.

He goes dark from time to time. I’m here for him.

As a BS - this really stands out to me in a very good way. Him noticing you being there for him gives him the light he needs.

I still have to fight my old instincts today to run away from the pain and suffering of this day. I still have to fight my nature that if I ignore something then it didn’t happen.

Good on you! This is probably not easy, but you do it anyway. And as a BS I can tell you he notices. He may not be able to articulate this or even really knows what it is he sees - but he notices.

I’m a different person. BS is a different person. We as husband and wife have a different marriage.

Thank you for posting this positive and uplifting update.

I’m so glad there isn’t a stop-sign!
It allows me to share with you how much I appreciate the input of the former WS here on this site, and how I admire the courage and resolve you show in sharing, guiding and supporting others.
It’s easy for us BS to come and share. After all we are the "good guys" that did nothing wrong. But for the WS... it’s a major leap of faith.
I think SI is a super-useful site, but I think what might make it that extra-useful is the contribution of the former WS.

Hi Change4theBetter, I remember you and your husband. He has a funny, wry sense of humor. Congratulations on your growing family and on your hard work. I was especially taken by this:

I’m here for him. I still have to fight my old instincts today to run away from the pain and suffering of this day.

I am so glad that you see that running from his pain and suffering is an instinct that you can choose to ignore and instead be close to him when he is suffering. And this:

I still have to fight my nature that if I ignore something then it didn’t happen.

Oh my goodness, I had/have this in spades. If we don't talk about it, if we don't acknowledge it, it didn't happen. That's so destructive. It is NOT an inheritance you want to give your children, you want to show them you can see and talk about problems and that you will love them while at the same time helping them learn from their errors.

Change4theBetter, I have some questions that I hope someday you might write about because there is some shared space and overlap with me, and I don't see it often written about. I'm not going to ask specifically because you didn't bring it up and I'm wary of the guidelines, but if you would invite those questions I'd appreciate it. No rush and if you prefer not I understand.