SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Caught him 2 weeks today in a carpark with her.
He had to admit he'd been cheating despite swearing on kids lives he wasn't. Despite holding me as I cried saying please leave if you don't love me anymore. He said he wanted to stay.
He got his friends to cover for him while they had sex in hotel and showed me the texts to 'make me feel better'
He shouted at me for being paranoid blamed my medication for my thoughts telling me it was the side effects of the new meds. Accused me of following him on the 31st dec when he was meant to be at work but he'd booked a days leave. He would never book a single days leave for me or the children amd always had excises why he wouldn't.

I can't stand the pain. I can't believe he did this to us. He's still woth her and it's killing me.

I've filed for divorce the following day. I live in the uk

Stay strong.

The pain is temporary. Really. It may feel like it's with you forever, but it's not.

You are the prize? What has ow won - a liar and a cheater. Take deep breaths, cry, scream ... and see what support you can find. A good Individual counselor ('IC'), a pastor, a trusted friend?

You can get through this and thrive. Really.

I just canr see it.
Why do I go through stages of wanting him back, even feeling sorry for him. I hate that abiyt myself.
I just want the pain to go. I can't stop thinking about them together. I see images in my mind of them in a room together.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're here. Infidelity is the worst pain I've experienced. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons that are really helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a ton of great resources. There are some articles in there to help with the mind movies.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) can help. My second counselor was a betrayal trauma specialist and was very helpful. The pain isn't going to go away today. It takes healing and time.

Please see your doctor and get tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases out there. They may need to adjust your meds if you're experiencing depression or anxiety.

It's fairly normal to feel all kinds of emotions from rage, to hate, to love, to missing them. Please take good care of yourself right now.

Once those two decide to live together the honeymoon stage is gone. Don’t make her out to be more than you, better than you. She cheats better than you. He is not worth a tear. Not one.

I am so sorry. You are in the beginning stages of discovery and then suddenly it’s over.

A few reasons for his behavior.

It’s easier to run away than face you and discuss the situation like an adult. He’s a coward.

Second he’s living in fantasy world. No kids to deal with. No shipping or scheduled etc. it’s just him and the OW and right now it’s probably pretty good. However….its not going to last. You know why? Because their relationship started out as a lie. And sooner or later when things aren’t going so well, one of them will cheat. It’s just a matter of time.

Third, you walking away from him is going to come back and bite him. He will be responsible for his kids etc and often the OW doesn’t like to see $ going to the XW and kids.

Please get counseling. It will help you. While the healing process is slow you should know it’s better to learn quickly the cheater has no intention of ending the affair. Often dday2 is worse than dday 1.

Keep posting here to get support and advice.

I went through a similar whirlwind as you, going from thinking we had a good marriage to separation in a month. As far as I know, 2 years out, my XH still lives with AP.

I've seen the pain of people coming back here weeks, months, years later, thinking they had been in R only to have another dday. I don't ever have to experience that kind of pain or the kind of anxiety that comes with wondering if and when they'll cheat again. Neither do you. There is only one 100% guaranteed way of ensuring your partner will never cheat on you again...end the relationship.

Apparently he's told his mum he wouldn't move in with her. She is divorced and has kids too young enough to need babysitting when she meets him. She uses the older child to babysit the younger ones. I've told his mum that she,the ow isn't meeting my children, she's a shut and I don't want people like that around my childrne. He said he isn't planning in introducing them.
Now whether this is true, who lnoes but if it is then wtf is he doing. Is he just using her for sex? He was happy to pack and go and leave us and is still seeing her. He has moved back with his mum.

What makes me sick is a few weeks ago he brought home a back a sweets. Told me a man from work had got my kids them as he knew they liked them. I knew that was nonsense. He's admitted it was the ow. Why the fuck is she buying my kids sweets!

This forum is quiet isn't it

It has its ebbs and flows.

You need to separate ASAP. What you are feeling is natural. If you lost a finger today your body and brain wouldn’t process it for a few weeks - you even can feel pain in the ghost finger!

What you are going through is natural. Get a lawyer and only talk to him through the lawyer. Get yourself therapy to talk through this. It really helps.

The quicker and more decisively you act the more quickly the pain ends.

I agree. Get a good lawyer and move forward with your life. It’ll be painful but worth it in the end. Find a good trauma therapist to work with.

He’s a lost cause right now. It’s up to him to turn that around if he wants a life with you. It’s not your job.

You are a strong person and I know it’s hard but you are taking control of your life.

Researcher,
This is a roller coaster mindf*ck of the highest caliber. It is going to hurt for a while, but you WILL get through it.
It’s all happening so fast— it’s tough to keep your feet under you.

Focus on you and your kids.
1) get to your doctor and get tested for STD/STI- full panel. The last thing you need is to pick up a nasty from your WH. If you have sex with him, use protection. While there, talk to your doctor if you are having trouble sleeping.

2) Take extra good care of your body. Eat healthy, drink lots of water (crying is dehydrating!), avoid alcohol/drugs, and get some exercise daily and enough sleep. This will help your body and mind, and you need those. If you are having trouble eating (the infidelity crash diet is real) then try protein shakes.

3) Get to a lawyer or three right away. You need to protect your finances and credit. Get educated by the lawyers on what D might look like. Knowledge is power and will take some of the fear of the future away. Find the sharkiest shark lawyers to protect your interests.

4) Find someone to talk to (in addition to SI). His mom may be supporting you, but sadly we often see that blood is thick (but not always). Do you have an IC? If not, find one who has trauma training - because this really is a trauma. Others might be a bestie, pastor, etc. Choose folks who won’t judge you no matter how this goes. But it’s really nice to have IRL support.

And remember this is all on him. He is 100% responsible for this. I know it feels like an alien took over your H - it’s wild how much they change. You can’t understand the unexplainable, so don’t beat yourself up trying to figure out why.

And most of all, please TRUST THAT YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I remember those horrible dark days just after DDAY - but it really does get better. It really does. Hang in there.

Thanks. I am in twlks with a lawyer. I filed for divorce the day after I caught him.
I'm.in the uk so it's different here.
I do have a counsellor but not sure if she is an expert in trauma or not. I just cant believe the difference in him.
He's alrwqdy moved out of the home and back to his mother's.

Ma'am, I am so sorry you find yourself here facing this terrible betrayal. I truly am.

The great thing about this place is that the veterans reaching out to you really get it. Your words resonate because we've been there.

Right now the wound is deep and fresh. You are emotionally bleeding and you are still in shock. We understand. You are looking for handholds to secure your person in the midst of this intense emotional maelstrom and you have been given some good starting points but its all so hard.

I want to address two of your questions and desires:

Why do I go through stages of wanting him back, even feeling sorry for him. I hate that abiyt myself.

I just want the pain to go. I can't stop thinking about them together. I see images in my mind of them in a room together.

Firstly, this horrrible roller coaster of wanting him then despising him is so common. One betrayed put it this way, "I love it when I hate them and hate it when I love them." The reason, in part, is that the pair-bond is being severed and it is painful in the extreme. The fact that your WH is unremorseful and still in the affair makes this even more painful. This is common and completely understandable (its the most intense emotional pain Ive ever felt).

The "mind movies" you are experiencing is a trauma response by your body and soul to truly to come to grips with this treason and its painful aftermath. I tried to handle this on my own and repress it for a long time which made things much much worse for me in the long run.

What I and others encourage you to do is to make an investment in yourself of good nutrition, hydration, rest (melatonin helps), exercise, confiding in trusted family & friends, reading up on affair/betrayal recovery, and availing yourself of therapy with someone experienced in betrayal trauma recovery (this has been tremendously helpful to me). Last, but by no means least, keep posting here and let the veterans keep reaching out to you. I have learned much from them concerning my own betrayal trauma and continued recovery.

Its all very fresh right now, but you can come through this stronger. Back when I was going through something similar, I never could have dreamed that I am where I am now, building the life, marriage and family that Id always hoped for (with someone else).

Strength, peace and clarity to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:49 PM, Thursday, February 13th]

I'm in about the same place as you. My wife confessed a week ago today. She is in a 5-year long online affair that became real-world a year ago. He gave her a job lead at his work place and then became her boss. She lied about how she got the job. Now I have to deal with all of that too.

Last night I couldn't even sleep in the same bed. It felt like I was sleeping with someone else's girlfriend.

Thank you for the replies.
I'm still in shock I thjnk. He always said he'd never hurt me and here he was swearing on kids lives he wouldn't cheat, wouldn't leave me, still loved me. Over and over. Lied while looking into my eyes. It makes.me wonder whether he has cheated throughout our marriage ? How long this affiar has been going on for? We're there others? I'm second guessing my whole 27 year relationship. I keep seeing them sat in the car. I'm hearing g the loes over and over again. The fact the ow brought my childrne sweets and he lied about where they came from. All hurts. I jist dont understand. I gave him opportunities to leave me and he didn't go. He stayed. Now he says he wasnt happy and wanted to leave and didn't know how to.
He's with her on valentines day.

To make things worse my chidlrne are disabled and he wants to use the benefit money I get for them to take them out places. It all makes me sick.

I'll never get over this.

Thank you for the replies.
I'm still in shock I thjnk. He always said he'd never hurt me and here he was swearing on kids lives he wouldn't cheat, wouldn't leave me, still loved me. Over and over. Lied while looking into my eyes. It makes.me wonder whether he has cheated throughout our marriage ? How long this affiar has been going on for? We're there others? I'm second guessing my whole 27 year relationship. I keep seeing them sat in the car. I'm hearing g the loes over and over again. The fact the ow brought my childrne sweets and he lied about where they came from. All hurts. I jist dont understand. I gave him opportunities to leave me and he didn't go. He stayed. Now he says he wasnt happy and wanted to leave and didn't know how to.
He's with her on valentines day.

To make things worse my chidlrne are disabled and he wants to use the benefit money I get for them to take them out places. It all makes me sick.

I'll never get over this.

I jist dont understand. I gave him opportunities to leave me and he didn't go. He stayed. Now he says he wasnt happy and wanted to leave and didn't know how to.

Cheaters don't generally make sense. You are looking for logic where there is none. He's either lying now to justify his actions or he was the worlds biggest coward.

When a snake bites you, don't hang about and ask why. Get away from it and quickly.