SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi

I’ve been coming here on and off for the last few months after my WH cheated last year. I suppose I’m here for some moral support over the next few weeks as it will all blow up again.

In the last few weeks I felt that gut feeling again. Something was off, not right. I was given a lot of reassurance that nothing was going on, but that, because of how I had been treating him recently (I haven't been loving) he couldn’t take things any more and didn’t know if we could be together. Bearing in mind he’s made no effort at reconciliation but wanted me to go back to usual life forgetting anything had ever happened. He said the feelings he had last year with OW were so amazing that he couldn’t go back to who he used to be. But, he wanted to stay together as a family as he loves family life and in no way wants to sell our family home or split up.

It turns out he wants it all (classic!). In the last few days he has been sloppy and I have found their messages and her underwear in his things. They have just started seeing each other again so you can imagine the cringe messages I saw.

I have carried on like nothing's happened and he doesn't know I know. He's being a great 'partner', seems very comfortable leading this double life. I feel so sad for my little boy and what he's lost.

I am getting my next steps together. I won’t be blindsided like last year. My priority is keeping my house for my child and getting rid of him. We are not married and I know he will refuse to leave the home, so I am not sure what I can do. I can’t afford the mortgage on my own.

Things don’t matter, your child does, so wherever you are will be home to them. Don’t burden yourself with a house you can’t afford. Find something you can and fill it with things you love.

Many years ago I decided to buy things from consignment shops. Furniture, dishes etc. I love my shabby chic house and get lots of compliments. Enjoy the process.

Your stbx is not worthy of you. I will bet when you look at who he really is you will see a child in a man’s body. Only very young, self centered, children would not care how hurt you are. You are important to him like the stove that cooks his meals and the chair he sits in. Don’t expect more from him. He seems unable to provide it.

This euphoria that he feels with the AP will not last. Do not be surprised if he does the same to her.

See a dr for anxiety. You can take short term meds to get you through this. See a lawyer. A one time consultation might cost a fee but knowing what to expect is important.

Don’t stay with a selfish man. You will give up parts of yourself if you do.

Take care of your health. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, accept that this too shall pass. It takes time but at some point what he does, and who he does it with, will no longer matter to you.

Stronger

When dealing with tough situations I find it best to understand what to expect. What my rights are, what can I do, what could he do, what the process is and so on. The fear we experience tends to be due to uncertainty, and knowledge clarifies uncertainty.

Even if you have some hopes of reconciling, I would want to know what the following might look like:
You state you aren’t married and talk about the house as yours, but say he calls it the "family home". Is the mortgage solely in your name? Deed too? Had you acquired it before you two met? Is there any way he can claim ownership or coownership? Get that clarified.
Is there any way you can have him move out? Ownership is generally only part of the issue. Legal residence gives him some rights, but as an owner you could technically evict him, albeit using dure process.
What about payments? You mention not affording the mortgage. Why? Is your child keeping you from working full time? Are you basing expenses on present conditions? Is there a way to bridge whatever gap there might be in income if you end this relationship? Like take on a renter, downsize, child support...

As out there as this might sound... consider phoning a family/women’s abuse line. Although we tend to think of these lines as something for physically abused women they also are a wealth of knowledge for any form of abusive relationships – and yes – infidelity is abuse. They can at least answer questions such as how to get him out, financial obligations and all that. They might even have pro-bono legal advice.

I have this theory slash methodology slash voodoo method of dealing with a WS in an active affair. It’s based on listening to their ACTIONS and then deciding within the parameters their actions allow you to decide from.

Like... right now he’s in an affair and he wants to keep his family intact. You realize that one option you have is to accept that. Pretend to believe him when he says he’s working late yet another Friday evening and ignore the whiff of perfume you smell off him and the lipstick on the collar.
Doesn’t sound good does it? Well – it’s still an option.

Another option is to tell him something like:
"Partner – I KNOW you are seeing OW. That’s OK – that’s your choice. You are free to do what you want, only I don’t share my partner. I can’t control what you do, but I can decide what I do and what I accept. Since I don’t want to share you then I’m absolving you completely of all obligations to me. You can be with OW, move in with her, date her... whatever... but not as my partner.
Seeing as we aren’t married then the process of separation should be technically easy.
This is what I have learned about the house and ownership. There are laws in place regarding custody and access to children and we will follow them to the letter. I would like you to move out as soon as possible, and with your new "freedom" moving in with OW should be easy.
If you want any chance of regaining my relationship you have a very small opportunity to convince me. I would need accountability and total openness, but I’m not holding my breath. The further I go along this path out of infidelity, the more content I am with my decision."

My advice?

Pretend as long as you can while hoarding $.

Say nothing.

Go about your life, detach from him and start getting your exit strategy together.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you've had a reason to join us. If you've been hanging out for a while, I'll assume that you've seen the mentions of the pinned posts and The Healing Library. (If not, please feel free to read them.)

Please practice self-care. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful to process through the emotions. Also, you may want to be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some terrible diseases out there.

You may wish to check with a lawyer or the domestic abuse resource may be able to suggest a legal aid place for you.

So sorry that your WH just doesn't have what it takes to be honest and reconcilable. The very tiny silver lining is now you know and you can plan. It’s time to get your ducks in a row while educating yourself on what D would look like.

Focus on you and your kids. You have already shown how strong you are, so I am sure you are going to be okay - Keep your eye on the prize, which is freedom from infidelity.

Keep posting and trust in your strength. You can do this.

Thank you for words of support all

Cooley2 here - I won’t lose the house it’s all I have. While it’s true material things don’t mean anything it offers me community and familiarity that I need so much right now. It’s a small modest house and full of second hand things. It’s true, he is a child I can see it now.

Bigger - thank you for suggestion of women’s line I hadn’t thought of this. His behaviour has been manipulative and emotionally abusive.

The1st wife - agree with all. I will carry on as normal and focus on what myself and my son will soon need.

I agree with 1stwife. You need to be very good a squirreling away money and generally getting plans made and executed. Don’t have any loose strings. How you plan ahead will make the transition much easier.
Much luck.

I'm going to propose a different strategy. Affairs can be dangerous business. Double life's are dangerous business. Living with someone in an affair can be as well. I'm not trying to be dramatic just pragmatic. Be calm and kind and just get out of the situation. Yes he deserves to be blindsided but at what risk or cost.

Your sanity is worth more than possessions. My advice would be to calmly and safely get out of infidelity. Go talk to an attorney and find out what your options are.

I am a betrayed husband. In the end, I divorced and left a nearly 3000 sqft home with a pool and have been in a duplex for 1.5 yrs. I dreaded losing my home and yes I could've stretched money to make it work but also didn't want to be house poor. I also wanted a completely fresh start. In the begging the thought of moving tore me apart. I loved my home and neighborhood. I was the president of the HOA. In the end I don't really miss it at all. It was a great lesson for me about stuff. It can be replaced. It really isn't that important. Your peace and sanity is.

Since the divorce I've been able to save tons of money and God blessed me with new opportunities at work. I now have a plan to buy something in a few years that I will be able to pay off in 10 yrs or so.

You're going to restart your life and for me leaving alot of the things tied to my former married life in the past has been more than a blessing. This is a great time imo to declutter your life, remove unnecessary stressor, set new goals and work towards them.

Believe me it's hard to let go of things - especially a home. But those things can always be replaced.

Just an alternative take. The other advice is great too. Sometimes in trauma I think we hold onto anything that feels like our former life and I now believe it can be more refreshing to get a completely new fresh start. My biggest peice of advice would be to not over extended yourself for things that are not priorities. And you can believe that at one time I felt like that home was a major priority in my life.

You can get it all back. And by no means am I saying don't stick it to him or short change yourself. But have a legal professional sort that out for you. A financial advisor may be helpful as well.