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Hi SI community. I’m in need of some advice.

My H and I started a business a few years ago. I put a lot of my blood, sweat and tears into renovating our building, and was so proud of what we had built together. Little did I know that my H was hiding suicidal feelings and eventually slept someone in the building just after we opened. It was his "rock bottom" with his depression.

We are in MC and IC and he’s been very determined to right all his wrongs. We are much better today, but the big hangup in repairing our relationship is that building. I can’t go there. It hurts too bad. I get sick just driving on the same street as it. When I’m there all I see is all the work I put into it and how he just threw it away, along with our dream of owning that business together.

Running through the possible scenarios for our future, I don’t see how we will make it if I have so much hatred for the building. Our MC agreed that Exposure Therapy is how we should venture into getting me better…but we’re stuck on how. He’s almost paralized by the gravity of this and hasn’t done anything in 5 weeks to help me.

Has anyone experienced something like this? Any suggestions on things he can do to make me comfortable again in the building?

I sold our AirBnb which was the site of the A. I had furnished and decorated it and he used it as a love nest. I didn't even set foot in it after DDay. Driving by it was bad enough for me. There was nothing that would have made it ok for me.

He wanted to hold onto it, but there was nothing I could do to reclaim it as my own. Selling it felt right for me. And, in the end it worked out for the best as the HOA prohibited Airbnb's in the building.

You have to do what works best for you. If you hate it that much, get rid of it and go with something that doesn't remind you of the A.

I also used to get triggered as we all went to the same gym....and I'd run into OW there often. There wasn't another gym that would provide everything for the price we had. Now I DARE her to show up. There was a LOT of exposure therapy there. The A still pops up 6 years later when I go. It's not as intense as it was....but its a lot of work.

I felt exactly the same way about locations of my H affair so as hard as it was I made him take me there and I reclaimed every single one of those areas.
Those places are now mine!.

I avoided the apartment building I was living in when I walked in on her in bed with another man. At the time it was painted in a rather gaudy color, and was called "the pink and blue towers" despite hardly being a tower by any definition. Going by was the quickest way from the airport to where my parents lived (since passed away), but for nearly two decades after d-day I did my best not to see that building. Even if that meant pretending not to look when driving past.
Then I realized the... well... stupidity of this. How inconvenient, and how I was transposing a trauma onto a dead object. I decided to not only drive past and acknowledge it was there but also drive up to the building and walk into the lobby. Since I didn’t know anyone living there I couldn’t get any further, but it was actually quite easier than I expected.
Maybe it did take me 15-20 years to gather the courage and strength to do this, but in retrospect I should have done this years – decades – ago.

I say just go there. It’s only a building. Since you are renovating it I guess it wont be long in your portfolio and therefore important you are on-track on the renovations. If you plan to keep it for rental property... it’s imperative you deal with this fear.

I don't know about exposure therapy, but I'm also triggered by locations. I once sat in the parking lot of a restaurant where he went on a first date with a mistress. I went with a friend to a bar they once went to, and while she was unaware of the infidelity and oblivious to my suffering, I sat there looking around wondering where they had been and what they were doing. I even went to her apartment (after I knew she had moved!!) and the apt building pool that they spent time at just to feel what he was probably thinking.

I don't know why. It's like if it's no longer his secret double life and something tangible, it's easier to digest. It feels voyeuristic and stalkerish though, even though I know I'm not going to see a mistress at these locations, and ultimately makes me feel icky. But I still gotta do it. Not sure if this exposure has helped or not.

There were some places W & ap frequented that I almost had to go to. Those I reclaimed as soon as I could.

There are other places that I can easily live without, and I've stayed away from them. It would be great if you can pretty quickly come to the realization that it's just a building.

I got rid of the car they used. How much of a cost/inconvenience would moving to a new location be?

Thank you for your responses.

How much of a cost/inconvenience would moving to a new location be?

Unfortunately, this is where the business lives and financially it's impossible to move. He sometimes threatens to just sell the business, but that'd basically mean he has to go back working for someone else...something I know would make him miserable and lead us down his depression path again.

He also now has his identity wrapped up in this business and thinks if I can't get over my hatred for the building, then I can never really forgive him. I don't see it that way though.

I can't fathom how we're supposed to make new/happy memories there, when all I see is pain and hurt when I go there.

How long ago did you discover the A? How long have you been trying for R?

Are you in IC?

My WH had an affair with a co-worker who worked at a site across the country. She met him at his hotel once. They had planned to meet again but I found out.

My WH traveled a great deal, almost a complete stop when after D-Day, but he did have to fly out to her area for a team meeting (that was not meeting at her location) and I went with him.

Stayed at the same hotel where she met him. The first night/day were a nightmare, PTSD set in and I couldn't leave the room. I was literally frozen. Ugh.

However, there were other wives there and when the guys left for their meetings, I was able to go out with the wives and enjoy the few days we had in a city I had never visited.

When my WH got back from the meetings and everyone settled back in their rooms for the night, PTSD set in again and I was a basket case.

I was drained emotionally when we flew home. This was about 6 months after D-Day.

I would do it all over again if I had to and I wish I would have fought like hell to get over the anguish and anxiety I felt the first day.

I agree with Bigger, go there and give yourself some grace if you are triggered.

It sounds like you don’t have much to lose by trying. It is a very difficult thing to figure out and I imagine it is probably different for everyone. We have tried to reclaim certain places. Maybe reclaim isn’t the word but desensitize them.

He works in 5 locations and 2 of them they were physical in. The one he goes to every week is not that hard. First because it only happened once in that location and second because I am there a lot. In the beginning I went because I was feeling very insecure at that time and felt I need to check to be sure there was no one there if he had to stay a bit late, or I would go and look through the phone histories to be sure there were no calls made. All kinds of stuff. I don’t do that stuff any more. For the last year it is more chill and I have gotten pretty used to that place.

The other location is still VERY difficult. He is only there once per month. I have concluded that places I see all the time (like the first location) are not that bad because you do get desensitized with time. If it is more rare that you are confronted with it then it is hard to get desensitized.

Big picture, I now feel after 8 years that we absolutely should have left. Left the whole area and moved. I guess you can never know how things would really have gone on a path not chosen but it feels like leaving would have made things so much easier. We did not leave for reasons similar to what you have described. Our children would have had to leave their friends, schools, our extended family. It seemed like too much loss.

There are a couple locations (outside work) where they met once for a hike and another to sit at park benches. We finally got around to going to those locations together to walk through. I think it helped me. There are no easy fixes.

I’m sorry you are confronted with this. It sounds like you worry about his wellbeing - which is nice. I hope you are valuing your wellbeing just as highly. I am not saying that to sound like a know it all - i certainly don’t know your situation. But, I have found in retrospect I expected a bit too much from myself. I thought I could handle it with time. I can MANAGE but I am not sure I am thriving. I still think about moving. It is still very much on the table.

Good luck! Glad you are getting the counseling!

Hi "newnormal1234". Interesting handle you have. For those like us, normal takes on a new meaning. We dont know what normal is or should be. In time a new one will evolve that is more tolerable and then maybe even good.

My experience with infidelity is similar to yours but in two phases separated by decades.

My WW developed a relationship with her boss that first crossed the line to physical in our home a block away from her work. Just kissing there but physical nonetheless. It went full on a few miles away at a house of her bosses friend, a few miles away. After dday few details were shared. Me in shock and her in shame rugswept and tried to move on. We moved out of that house and built a new one a year later. The rest comes many years later. Ill come back to that.

You have experienced a trauma as did I. Judging by your start date you are just over a year into it. Ive learned it takes 2 to 5 years to recover. Many people experience trauma and recover withou too much trouble. As you describe your feelings over a year later you are experiencing PTSD.

Several years passed and I was a mess but distracted with building a new home and starting a family. Passing by her work and the bar they would go to triggered less as time went on.

Fast forward a few decades we learn our daughter is a victim of infidelity. I panicked, did my wife tell our story? My daughter wasnt suffering trauma but I was big time.

This time I got help. I read everything I could find. Youtbe and podcasts then found SI. I found a counselor experienced with infidelity and trauma. God I wished had this help in the beginning. Since then several techniques have been developed for trauma.

My suggestion to you is back off on the MC, they and your husband can't help much. He can help you most with getting his own help and being open honest and patient with you. For you the trauma therapist will do exactly that,exposure therapy with you and teach you ways to regulate yourself when triggered to the point of flooding. If one therapist or technique doesn't work try another. Ive be doing Cognitive Behavior Therapy, there is also EMDR I here is very successful. Post again if you have questions.