SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sometimes it's just sad that one decision can ruin moments that were so enjoyable or benign previously. We were watching a football game yesterday with some family and one of the coaches has recently been caught in an affair (all over the tabloids so you probably know the story if you're a sports fan) and of course someone pipes up and says "I wonder if his side-piece is watching the game"...everyone chuckles and cracks a few jokes . Stuff like this doesn't sting like it did 2,3, 4 years ago but it still is like a wet blanket on an otherwise positive social event we were attending together. It inevitably makes the car ride home together a bit more tense although we've become better at working through stuff like this so that it doesn't linger for a week like it did early on.

Humor is sometimes an exorcism for things we don’t want in our lives.

Death, disease, disability, betrayal. They get this jokes because putting into a funny light lessens the discomfort we feel when unavoidably our empathy connects the thing to "what if it happens to me…".

In your case, this happened to you.
So more than a trigger is a flare of an old wound you suffered.

Trigger is if it drives you into a reactive path that makes you lose control and direction.

This doesn’t seem like what happened to you.
You felt the sting because is a painful life memory, but it seems you reached a point where you can integrate it.

I would say is not a bad sign.

I have to admit I get a little bit of satisfaction when moments like that happen. (for him not me)

My bad

I'm 17 months removed from d day. I totally understand how some triggers can put a wet blanket over something otherwise enjoyable.

We were listening to a song yesterday I've always had a soft spot for, "If I Were a Carpenter." There's a line in it, "I'll give you my onlyness. Give me your tomorrow." It immediately hit me that that's exactly what we promised 28 years ago. To give each other our "onlyness," and I did that for 28 years. She did not.

Kinda ruined the moment we were having, listening to a song that I had always thought had a deeply meaningful message of love and commitment.

Yup. If you let it, it steals the joy from moments. I guess the key is to not let it but that's way easier said than done. During my last therapy session we talked a lot about what these triggers do for me and it's really become more about anger in terms of the AP being able to live his best life right now with no repercussions whatsoever for what happened. His fiance/now wife has no idea and I've chosen to keep it that way for reasons I've shared previously (he's a loose cannon who would 100% tell my kids, friends, family, etc and I'VE made the choice to not let it get to that point). The whole notion of him "getting away with the crime" re-surfaces when the triggers happen more so than anger or grief from the affair itself. 5 years is a pretty solid number when it comes to processing grief like this and I'd say I'm at that point and it's more about these feelings of him not having to deal with any of this over the last few years. My choice but the feelings are there nonetheless. I could change it all with one stroke of the pen and a letter to his wife and I've been close many times but it's just not worth it. My WW has done everything possible to keep our R on track and for that I'm thankful but knowing that he's not had to deal with one bit of anxiety out of all of this is tough to swallow. Probably being petty but these are feelings I need to figure out how to process.

Don’t be so sure about getting away with anything as the cheater has to mice with the fact that you could blow up his world at any time.

In fact, he may continue to cheat throughout his marriage so he’s always going to be looking over his shoulder.

Based on what I’ve seen, some cheaters just move on to the next AP or there is delays someone waiting in the wings.

Looking back through your post history, it strikes me that you chose not to reveal the affair to many people—or perhaps anyone in your social and family circle. I completely understand why you made that call at the time; protecting your kids from the fallout and avoiding wider drama is a very common impulse. However, this exact scenario is precisely why I generally don't advocate for keeping the secret. When people around you are left in the dark, they naturally make offhand, insensitive comments and jokes about infidelity without realizing the depth of the wound they are poking.

Ultimately, maintaining that silence—even just by omission—doesn't do anything to aid you, your recovery, or your family's long-term health. All it really accomplishes is shielding your wife from the natural consequences of her choices while forcing you to swallow the pain in silence to keep up appearances.
On top of that, keeping this hidden actively protects the Affair Partner and leaves their spouse in the dark. Infidelity is a profound violation of consent and agency; by covering it up, the AP is allowed to continue deceiving and emotionally abusing their own partner, who remains trapped in a fraudulent marriage without the facts needed to make informed choices about their own life and health.

It is not too late to break that pattern. You don't have to carry the burden of protecting everyone else's comfort at the expense of your own peace. The next time someone makes a casual joke or remark like that, you have every right to set a firm, quiet boundary and speak the truth. You can simply say:

"I don't actually find jokes like that funny. My wife cheated on me, and navigating that has been extraordinarily tough."

Calling it out puts the discomfort back where it belongs instead of requiring you to absorb it every time infidelity comes up in conversation

I'm not sure healing can ever take place when you are living this lie.

Ah, but sometimes the person who doesn’t want to share it isn’t the ws. My husband also doesn’t want people to know. It’s a deeply personal thing to him and he doesn’t want the judgment.

It’s just as bad to have those around you tiptoe around you and you feel them doing it. Triggers are simply something that slowly do not impact you overtime, it’s not something to avoid, it’s another layer of communication to build that actually causes them to be less and less powerful.

@HikingOut

I'm not suggesting everyone stays silent for the WS, I'm sure people fear judgement themselves but that doesn't appear to be the case here.

Reading his posts, the main driver for keeping this secret, appears to be so it doesn't get back to his kids. I do get this. He doesn't want his kids view of their mother to dimmish but ultimately this secrecy only serves to shield the WS's reputation from the natural consequences of their choices. Not fear of judgement.

There's a huge difference between broadcasting your business to acquaintances and confiding in a trusted, inner-circle friends. Close friends shouldn't judge you; they should support you. Carrying the entire weight of a betrayal in total isolation—just to protect a spouse from judgment—places an unfair emotional burden on the betrayed partner.

I noticed in his post history that triggers are a reoccurring theme, even 5+ years out. I'd argue that refusing to share this burden with a close support system might actually be keeping those triggers so active. Healing isn't just about waiting for triggers to fade over time; it's about processing the pain so it loses power. When you suffer in silence to protect the person who hurt you, that unexpressed pain has nowhere to go.

Personally I found a direct link between discussing my situation and triggers fading. Proactivity would always be my advice.

I'd argue that refusing to share this burden with a close support system might actually be keeping those triggers so active.

And you'd be wrong. Triggers are going to happen. They're inevitable, even decades later. What's important is learning to deal with them, personally, internally, deliberately. Telling everyone around you about a WS's affair isn't going to remove the inevitably of triggers.

@Unhinged Dismissing a technique that actually worked for me as 'wrong' is pretty wild. But to follow it up with advice that is essentially to "just deal with them."

Do you really suppose he hasn't been dealing with them? Id suppose he’s been dealing with them for 5+ years; I'm suggesting a path that might actually lead to true healing.

Talking or writing about triggers can certainly help. Relying upon a support system can certainly help. Learning to deal with triggers, to disarm them, to not allow them to ruin your mood, day, week, whatever, is a must.

Triggers suck. I'm certainly not trying to dismiss or minimize anyone-s struggles with them. BTDT.

Nonetheless, it is a skill we all have to learn, because there is simply no way to avoid them.

I don’t know if there is a one-off solution to triggers.

What I can share is my experience.
I had some really serious triggers that were 100% connected to PTSD. For example: if I was in a confined space like a restaurant or bar, I had to sit with my back to the wall. I felt fear and apprehension if I saw a kid under 5 years play close to the sidewalk. Somehow magically if I knew they were six years or older – no anxiety. I felt physically sick if I saw pictures or images of brains on TV or museums or whatever. Same if I saw cauliflower (resembles brain…), even in stores.
I had serious trust issues that I associated with my experience in law-enforcement. I had an above-normal sensitivity on how people handled knives – be that in the kitchen, fishing or whatever. If the blade was in any way pointed in my direction I automatically adjusted to a defense-stance… When I drove past the apartment building, I was living in at my d-day I would feel queasy.
There were more triggers in my brain than there are at a live firing range…

About 15 years into my present marriage, and 13 years after leaving LEO, I got my marriage into such a stage that I realized I needed help. I went to an IC, certain that my LEO experiences were the main cause of my PTSD and my triggers.
After listening to my story and some tests, the IC pointed out that yes – my LEO experience had left some issues that needed dealing with, but the MAIN cause of PTSD was the infidelity.

Turns out that thing we expect might happen or are more "reasonable" are less likely to scar than unexpected issues. Maybe it’s like if you know your partner has a terminal disease and you have a year to prepare might hurt less than a sudden death. Like possibly being attacked is something that a cop can expect. Walking in on your partner cheating maybe not so much…

For me a combination of "treatments" worked. Not least simply the act of clearly associating the triggers with their causes and then distancing the trigger from a likely outcome.
Basically – we just talked each incident through and connected it to the event, the action I took, the reasons and why THAT incident did not mean that just because once I had an experience did not mean I would have a repeat experience every time.

I then went through a series of confrontational exercises. Like… he made me handle cauliflower and disassociate it from my visions of brain-matter. Somehow there was a click in my brain where I went "Bigger – this is just cauliflower…". Did this with several issues from the LEO days. I guess we handled that in 1-2 session. No longer assume a defensive positum if my wife’s carving a chicken…

Somehow understanding the triggers, what they were and what caused them, enabled me to remove them. Took time, took conscious decisions and exercises. Like if we went to a restaurant I consciously let my wife chose the table and accepted sitting with my back "undefended". After surviving a few dinners without being jumped, stabbed or shot, I sort-of started to believe that my insecurity and risk trigger requiring me to sit with the wall to my back wasn’t really sensible…

However… the infidelity took longer. Unlike so many here my marriage is not with the person that cheated on me, but I did take MY issues from the cheating along into this one. The key to the cure was the IC convincing me about the illogical act of expecting unexpected behavior and actions from my present wife, just because my former fiancé had shown that behavior.
So if my wife was working overtime, then maybe she was working overtime. Rather than jump to the conclusion she was two-timing me, then why not assume she was working overtime. Maybe call her at work (desk-phone) on some false premise and if she answered then believe the logical deduction, rather than imagine she somehow had her office line diverted to the bedside phone at the Shackup Motel. This isn’t letting my guard down, but rather avoiding assuming the worst out of every situation.

The IC also suggested (and I did…) a very frank conversation with my wife explaining the long-term effects of the infidelity. Just as I expected she correctly pointed out that she wasn’t the woman that cheated on me. I correctly pointed out that this was true, but I was still the same person as had been cheated on, and had taken those issues along with me. I would work on removing them, but would appreciate her understanding if I was feeling insecure.

I guess what you might be able to take from this is the following:
Your triggers are normal and probably to be expected after such a life-altering incident as infidelity.
They won’t go away unless and until you deal with them. Ignoring them won’t do any good at all.
My experience was that once they were put on the table, it was relatively easy to see how "stupid" and illogical they were, and find better ways to deal with them. Like the comments about the "side-piece"… maybe you should think in those situations how ill informed these people are and how their perceptions are far from reality and then simply put it aside until you are in an environment where you have more control.

Talk to your spouse. That ride home didn’ t have to be tense. Instead it could have been a moment where you make your discomfort known, how that is a consequence of the affair and you two discuss how you – as a couple – can handle these situations.

Triggers happen...and not just with infidelity. Those of us who are old enough to experience it had triggers from seeing the footage from 9/11 . Those of us who have lost our parents have triggers that occur at some of the happiest times in our lives...such as our marriage...the birth of our children and grandchildren...holidays...etc. Triggers from infidelity are unique to each of us on this site...but we have all been dealing with triggers before infidelity came into our lives. I commend you for reaching out and writing about it . Triggers WILL happen...but how we CHOOSE to deal with them is key to our healing. Your choices in dealing with triggers seems to be working well !

My WW has done everything possible to keep our R on track and for that I'm thankful but knowing that he's not had to deal with one bit of anxiety out of all of this is tough to swallow. Probably being petty but these are feelings I need to figure out how to process.

There was a BW on here who found a way to process this that I really liked and used it to change my perspective . Her husband and the adultery co-conspirator would go for bike rides together...then go back to her house to have a glass of wine before doing whatever else they would do. The thought of them sharing this carefree lifestyle like that would get the BW so upset! One day she realized that they were NOT doing this anymore...so she envisioned the adultery co-conspirator having to go on bike rides...ALONE. Then she would have to drink her glass of wine...ALONE. The BW wrote in great detail how she would picture the adultery co-conspirator having tears slowly falling down her face as she remembered what was and how she would never have that again. Her tears would fall into the glass of wine as she contemplated the choices she made to put her in this situation.

This brought up a memory of something I read that the adultery co-conspirator had written to my H...where she felt like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY because he completely went NC after sending her a NC message. I could sure envision THAT feeling...and when thoughts about them came into my head...I started thinking instead about thoughts of the adultery co-conspirator by herself...thinking about all the destructive choices she made. When the adultery co-conspirator in your case has to think about the choices he has made in life...he probably feels disgusted with himself when he looks in the mirror. I would imagine his anxiety level is through the roof...especially now that he is married. As The1stWife wrote...he is going to be looking over his shoulder now...being VERY anxious about his wife finding out about his past...or about his new adultery co-conspirator.

The thing is...what you say you KNOW...about the adultery co-conspirator not having any anxiety...is not necessarily what you KNOW Dear Sir . He could be putting on a happy face...but deep in his core...he could be devastated with what he has done. If you only deal with the FACTS...the thought of him not feeling anxiety may go away .

As a person of faith...I already KNOW that the adultery co-conspirator in your case has not gotten away with anything. He WILL face discipline for his actions IF he confesses of his sin and repents. If he doesn't confess and repent...he will face eternity in AGONY for his selfish choices.

As for telling anyone...my H and I have never told anyone about his A. I came on here to vent...rant...and seek help. This place has been a Godsend for me !! I have never been one to talk to others about our relationship...especially any issues we had...and it was a no brainer for me to keep this between us as well. Others on here have bared their soul to whoever would listen...one BW said she even told the cashier once! There is no right or wrong in that respect...we just need to do what will HELP us to HEAL...as long as it is legal .

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 4:23 PM, Friday, September 25th]

Thank you @Want2BHappyAgain. This was very helpful. I know for a fact that his family wants nothing to do with him and that his daughter has essentially dis-owned him. I normally wouldn't wish this on anyone but knowing that it's happened to him does give me some sense of comfort that karma has come around in some form. It still bothers me that I have to be "that" person that's taking comfort in someone else's misery but in this case I honestly don't give a %$## (sorry for the implied foul language). It doesn't quite fill the need to further impact his world with a face to face confrontation or letting his wife know. It's also interesting that he used to be an individual that we'd bump into around town quite a bit and he's since moved to the next town over and in the 14 years since I haven't seen him once which is a really strange coincidence or he's altered his lifestyle completely to make sure he doesn't run into us. I've shared previously that after Dday he taunted me with phone calls where he'd call but just sit silently on the other end of the phone and even sent a letter to my work pretending that it was signed by our friends implying that they all knew about the A to try and induce panic on my part, so this is not a stable individual. Again, that brings some comfort. I have a wonderful family, a stable income that's allowed us to do nice things that I should be incredibly grateful for and not let this a$$hole bring me down. I want to stress I don't absolve my wife at all of her involvement in this and she's taken full responsiblity and worked incredibily hard during R. Trust is finally being rebuilt and our marriage, as I've told her, will never be the same, it will just be new and different and I think we're hitting that point. My posts may imply that I'm placing all the blame at the AP partner's feet but it was more his behavior after Dday that made my blood boil and continues to when these triggers hit.

It took quite a bit of thought over the last few days to get this all down on paper so I appreciate each of you and your feedback and @Unhinged, @DrSOOLERS: Don't let your conflicting opinions get personal. It's healthy and you're both correct at some level and you both helped . Wishing you all the best and until next time (because we all know unfortunately know support will be needed from all of us again).

I know for a fact that his family wants nothing to do with him and that his daughter has essentially dis-owned him. I normally wouldn't wish this on anyone but knowing that it's happened to him does give me some sense of comfort that karma has come around in some form. It still bothers me that I have to be "that" person that's taking comfort in someone else's misery but in this case I honestly don't give a %$## (sorry for the implied foul language).

Oh wow...I was re-reading what I had written to you and forgot to add a part so I edited it to include about FACTS that you KNOW . I don't know if you saw that part...but this FACT...about his family wanting nothing to do with him...and his own child disowning him is a good FACT to see how his world isn't without repercussions for his selfish choices.

I can share something that I have been able to see for myself over a LONG period of time . My ex-husband's children have had NO contact with him for almost 2 decades. He didn't change from when we were married...and his children decided from their experiences with him that they didn't want to have a relationship with him. As a LOVING father...you KNOW how PRECIOUS these relationships with our children are . To not have that is a real tragedy...for HIM!

I remember thinking how I wanted my ex-husband to HURT as much as he hurt me...so I definitely can relate to taking comfort over someone else's misery. Another thing that time has given me experience with is that I no longer feel that way toward my ex-husband anymore. I actually feel NOTHING toward him...and that is very freeing .

I also...over the last 12 years...have had my feelings change for the misery I wanted on the adultery co-conspirator. I now pray for her...it is kind of hard to harbor negative feelings about someone you are praying for . She had told my H that he was her 3rd A. Her 1st A was with her Aunt's boyfriend because she had admired him from when she was a child. To ME...that seemed to be like he may have been a predator...grooming her from when she was young...and had her feeling that sex was love. I don't know.

Her 2nd A was with her boss. She told my H that she thought her boss was hot...so she had sex with him. This A was when she was married. When her H found out...he left her. They had 3 children. Her selfish choices cost her a LOT on that one.

I am praying that she gets healed from whatever it is that has caused her to think having affairs is not a good thing to do. Maybe...if that happens...she won't help to destroy another M.

Yeah. I'm not a very religious person so I don't see me praying for him in my future but maybe the negative thoughts will dissipate and he won't be occupying that spot in my brain. I try to practice "gratitude" but us Gen X'ers struggle with that. It's getting better. Two grandkids and one on the way has helped too . The innocence in their little faces helps a lot and knowing I get to experience that whenever I want and he can't steal that from me helps. It's those brief moments (triggers) where it gets stolen for a few hours. Like everyone has said, they dissipate over time. For those struggling out there, hobbies help a lot too. My wife (again credit to her) has encouraged me to take up some things that I've always wanted to do and they're a good distraction. It's also a good queue for her that maybe she needs to check in if I haven't done so myself